In Living Color

We need a table for two.

It's gonna be a few minutes. Maybe you'd like to sit at the bar.

Ooh, that's perfect. Petey, this place is lovely.

Ain't nothin' too nice for you, Tracy.

All right. Can I get you beautiful people something to drink?

- What do you recommend? - Uh, how about a Black Russian?

- How much is that? - That'll be five dollars.

Five dollars! Good Lord, that's a lot of money.

How about I give you 49 cents...

you give me a light-skinned girl from Moscow?

I can't do that, man.

Okay, uh... Uh, what else you got?

- Uh, we have a wonderful house wine. -

- How much is that? - Four dollars a glass.

Four dollars a glass! Good Lord, that's a lot of...

That cost more than my house.

How about I give you about, uh, 49 cents...

you keep the house wine and bring me some of that project punch?

Why don't I get you two bottles of Snapple?

All right. One bottle, two straws.

I love Snapple.

Uh, gee, honey, what do you want to do after dinner?

I hear there's a great new detective film at the cineplex.

How much it cost for two tickets and some popcorn?

- Uh, $17. - Seventeen dollars!

Good Lord!

You know, how about we go to my mama's house and watch BarnabyJones?

I know, honey. Why don't we just go back to my place...

turn the lights down low and watch a video?

How much is that?

I rented one already. It's free.

Free? Good Lord, that's a good idea.

Excuse me, sir. Your table's ready.

Honey, you just go along. I'll be a minute, okay?

Hey, fella. Fella.

You got a condom machine in that there bathroom?

- Yeah, we do. - All right, all right.

- How much... How much for a lubricated condom? - One dollar.

One dollar! All right. All right.

How much for one with no lubrication?

Still a dollar.

Now tell me how they gonna cost the same...

when one don't got no "lube-ro-cation"?

I don't know. They both cost the same though.

Aw, come on. How much for a balloon?

Hi. Here's some bread and some menus.

- I'll be right back to take your order. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

How much for this bread?

- It's complimentary. - "Complimentary"?

Good Lord, that's a big word. Complimentary... What's that mean?

- It means it's free. - Free? The bread free now?

- Free like Kunta Kinte. - Good Lord, that's free.

All right, all right. I like this free thing.

- Bring her one too. - All right.

Ooh, Petey, the New York steak strip looks good.

- Good Lord. - Mmm! Prime rib.

- Good Lord. - Hey, lobster.

Good Lord, that's a lot of money.

Don't you like rice?

How about you order a bowl of rice and the water it was boiled in?

Honey, if I don't have a hearty meal tonight...

well, I may not have enough strength later on when we, you know, get busy.

- All right. I got a nice idea. - Yeah?

How about you eat a nice little snack...

and then you just rub the booty?

- What? - Okay...

Why don't you suck the gravy off of his vest, right...

and just shake my hand under the table?

That's it, Peter. I'm ordering anything and everything I want...

and you're gonna pay for it.

Waiter? I'm ordering everything on the left side of the menu.

- Thank you very much. - Good Lord.

- How much is that gonna be? - Uh, including gratuity?

- Wh-What's "gratuity"? - That's my tip.

You want a tip? Don't smoke in bed.

By the way, what do you do to people that don't pay their bill?

- We throw them out of this establishment. - Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, if you're gonna throw me, make sure...

- you throw me towards Denny's, all right? - That's it, buddy. Let's go.

Hey! Get the bread. Get the bread.

Hey, come on.

Hello, and welcome to A. W.F. 's Main Event.

Tonight, a super heavyweight, super brawl...

for the prestigious title, "King of All Media."

And here come two of our warriors right now.

- -

I am Rush Limbaugh.

And I'm Al Sharpton.

And we are ordering you to park your dimpled rump on the nearest couch...

and get ready for the grudge match of the century.

No doubt many of you are wondering what could have made me join forces...

with this pink-eyed devil.

Or why would I hitch my pie wagon...

to this welfare check with legs... Why?

Only one thing could make us increase the peace.

Howard Stern.

That beanpole may have stolen his hair from Donna Summer...

And he is not going to steal this town from us.

That's right. We are the true kings of all media.

My radio show is more popular...

than a drunk broad at a Kennedy party.

- That's right. - I defy you to name...

a more shameless camera hog than yours truly.

I have talent on loan from God. From God, do you hear me?

I want you, Stern! I want you!

And oh, my, here comes Fart Man right now...

with his tag team partner, Robin Quivers.

I am Fart Man!

Well, well... If it isn'tJabber the Hut.

And who dressed this big fat guy up as James Brown?

- Oh, Howard, please. - All right, Fart Man, you gonna get yours.

- Get him, Robin. -

Oh, that's punishment.

- - Oh, look...

Shamu just got in the ring.

Now all we need are some lesbians...

and a tub of whipped cream and we've got a show.

Oh, my goodness, ladies and gentlemen.

This has all the makings of a bare-knuckles street brawl.

All right, Stern, let's see how your feminazi shill likes my super slam.

Just make her watch your TV show.

That'll put her to sleep, you sperm whale.

- Oh, Howard. -

- -

It breaks my heart to see a Nubian princess go to bobo.

Don't stop. Don't stop, you cocker spaniel.

Oh, Howard, you're terrible.

Incredible... Quivers taking a lot of punishment out there...

and yet she's still laughing like an idiot.

I will crush you flatter than the Ring Ding in my back pocket.

No!

Al, do you mind?

Your armpit's like a cottage cheese factory.

Oh, Howard... Howard, please.

You're terrible.

You know, Robin...

I would love to play butt bongo with these two butterballs...

but I'd have to be a kodo drummer.

Kodo drummer! Oh, Howard.

All right, Stern, prepare to die.

- - Oh. Oh, God!

- Aha. My super powers have finally kicked in... -

With a little help from that bran muffin and a pot of coffee.

Bran muffin and a pot of coffee.!

- - What in the...

Stern has pulled some kind of foreign object from his trunks.

It's a Hostess pie, you moron.

It is.! It's a delicious fruit pie.

- - Hey, now, hold on, honky.

I want my piece of the pie.

There it is, and it looks like we have...

Wait, wait. Wait a second. It is...

It's a disqualification.

Hey! This is a travesty.

This isn't the A.W.F. It's the F.C.C.

I'm not gonna take that from you, caveman.

Oh, Howard.

I guarantee you folks, this feud is a long way from over.

So until then, so long.

Pull my finger, Robin.

Live from the inner city...

it's East Hollywood Squares.

With George Foreman, Spike Lee...