Ted Lasso

You're hearing AFC Richmond

being booed lustily by their home fans,

and you have to say, not without good reason.

2-0. We're better than that!

Jamie. Jamie. Sorry, I didn't put that cross where you wanted it.

Ah. Forget it, mate.

Hey, would it be too forward if I gave you some advice

that might help improve your game a bit?

No. Please, anything.

What you need to do is get yourself a time machine, and go back to the moment

when your mom was about to fuck a sad little man with no athletic talent.

Pull her off him, fly her to Argentina, and drop her onto Maradona's cock.

Hope that helps, mate.

Right, that's it.

I'm done with you being a prick to everyone.

Ooh.

So, either I beat up an old man, or I let an old man beat me up.

Fuck it. Let's go.

Fucking--

-Hey, hey, hey! -

Easy, easy, easy now!

Coach, tell these boys what the first rule of my fight club is.

-No fight club! -No fight club. Okay? You understand?

For the love of Pistol Pete, y'all. We still got a second half to play.

Now, please, sit down. Everybody.

Gaffer saved you, old man.

Call me old...

one more time.

Sorry...

granddad.

-I'll fucking kill you! -

Table four is done and shall from now on be known as the boring table.

But that's where I'm sitting.

Oh.

Ugh. I haven't placed Elaine Kenner. Awful woman.

She won't be attending tonight. She was kicked in the face by her horse.

Oh. That poor thing. Is the horse okay?

- - Mm-mm-mm.

Looks like we still got ourselves a team divided here.

Coach, you know what I'm thinkin' about right now?

-West Side Story? -You know it. Sharks and Jets.

You think these fellas

could solve their problems with a dance-off at a gymnasium?

Course, if memory serves,

Riff and Bernardo ended up getting knifed to death at that particular event.

No, they didn't die until the rumble afterwards.

Oh, right. Right, right, right.

When I was 15, I was understudy for Anita.

-All-boys school. -Hmm.

We have peeled yet another juicy layer of the Nathan onion.

- Coach Beard! -Uh-oh.

For dinner tonight, it's either chicken or steak!

You can't tick both!

Okay!

Busted.

And Ted!

Uh-oh.

-Yeah! -I need to know who your plus-one is!

Oh, well, that'd be, uh, Mr. Two Entrées here.

No, he's already bringing a date!

Hey, you free tonight?

-Oh, I'm free every night, yeah. -Okay.

-I'm gonna bring Nathan! -Who?

Nate the Great! He's gonna be my date!

And for obvious reasons, we'd love to be at table eight!

No!

And Beard, you're having chicken!

- - Hey, boss.

Ooh! Pajama Friday? Wish I woulda known.

Oh, you're gonna get a kick outta this story.

-When I was 17-- -Ted, let me just stop you there

before you tell me a folksy anecdote about you and pajamas.

Okay. When you change your mind, just let me know,

'cause this one is a doozy.

Sorry, was there anything you needed? 'Cause I'm really--

I was wondering if me, Roy and Jamie could all sit at the same table tonight.

-Is that possible? -Yes.

Great! 'Cause I got some fences I need to mend, and I think that might do the trick.

-Ted, I just said yes. -Right.

Oh, God, that one's absolutely beautiful, but...

I don't think I can get away with that anymore.

Sure you could. Fashion's all about confidence.

If I didn't have any confidence, I never would've worn pajamas to my prom

and ended up in jail the rest of that night.

But you don't wanna hear that story, so I ain't gonna tell it.

You know what? I'll get outta your hair.

You're probably all revved up because of the big shindig, right?

No, no, no. I'm absolutely fine.

I mean, even when Rupert and I were running the gala together,

I did most of the work myself.

So, uh, I'm not revved up at all.

I'm actually, really, feeling quite mellow.

Good afternoon. We have a huge problem.

Our musical guest, Robbie Williams, has canceled.

God!

Oh, no. Who is that?

No, no, no. That's absolutely fine. It's not a problem. Let me just think.

All right, here's what we're going to do, Higgins.

Tonight, when I tell everyone that Robbie has canceled,

by then it won't matter because you will have found someone better.

-There ya are. -Right.

I am a world-class problem solver.

There it is. Oh. You got it. Oh. Catch it! Yep! Ho! Look at that!

You got this, Higgins!

And Rebecca's grateful for all your hard work!

Thank you, Ted!

Mm.

No. I hate it, babe.

It's just not me. There's no hood, no zips.

There's no graffiti.

No graffiti.

Mad. I look like a banker.

Not with trousers that tight around the crotch, you don't.

Fine. I look like a banker with a great cock.

Babe, if those existed, we wouldn't be together.

Whatever.

Okay.

Look, you're gonna get more endorsements when you start embracing high fashion.

I'm just trying to help build up your brand.

Jamie, no. What are you doing?

I'm doing...

Yeah, people don't know it, but I'm good at this fashion shit.

-Are you? -Yeah, I'm like a progeny.

Oh, yeah?

Oi. Down, boy.

- -Mm-hmm.

That's a good boy. Find the treat, yeah.

Hey, hon.

Shoot, I was hoping I'd catch ya. Uh, got your message.

Playing a little phone tag, it appears. And you are now it.

Um-- Oh, hey. Guess what.

I'm wearing the suit you told me I should bring.

You were right, as always.

Uh, yeah. Okay, so, uh, that's it. I love-- I miss ya.

And, uh, just go ahead and give the little guy a squeeze for me.

I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

Hey. All right, now.

Gotta love a troubadour.

Here we go.

Holy moly, look at you. Whoo!

-Hope I'm not too early. -No.

Or too late. I was trying to go for somewhere in between.

Yeah, no. You threaded that needle perfectly, Nate.

-Oh, good. -Yeah, nailed it.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Are you one of those guys that likes it if your friends tell you

-you got a piece of food in your teeth? -Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Okay, good. 'Cause that suit does not fit at all.

-Really? -Yeah.

I was gonna buy one, but, you know, they're so expensive.

-I just thought I'd borrow my dad's. -Oh, I hear ya.

Hey. We'll make a little pit stop. Come on, follow me.

Yeah.

What you lookin' at? Hmm? Hmm?

You boys all right? How's my suit? All good? Yeah?

This is great.

Hey, uh, thank you, guys, so much for taking my picture.

-What are your names? -

So you're Jerry, and you're Dave.

What you all came for.

Left eyebrow. Right eyebrow.

Confused look.

Yeah, now for the one that you'll actually use.

That's it, darling. How about a kiss?

-Romance is not dead. -Guys, sorry, sorry. I just--

-Gonna let them take a picture. -Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I just need to get inside. Okay.

Rebecca, over here!

- Nice, ladies. -Rebecca, over here!

- You look perfect. - Now, look to your left.

I hate this part.

- Miss Welton. - Lovely. Nice.

Hey.

Just put one foot in front of the other, yeah?

And then put your hand on your hip and make, like, a claw shape.

It's the most flattering.

-Rebecca, give us a smile. -Rebecca!

Aw, look at her. She's fucking fit!

Don't strut. Let the suit do the work.

Yoo-hoo.

Ted Lasso. My God.

Right back at ya, boss.

I had a hunch you were gonna pick this dress.

And may I say, you are wearing the heck out of it.

Thank you.

Check out Nate. Looking pretty dapper himself, huh?

Great to see you again.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

-If you'll both excuse me. - Absolutely, yeah. Go do your thing.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Look, there's Beard over there.

-That's his new gal, Jane. - Oh.

Yeah, they met at his Friday night chess club.

Apparently, they liked each other's moves.

Oh, that wasn't a joke.

Was it not?

Oh, I guess it kinda was.

- -No. No. Fuck off. Fuck you. No. No.

Yeah, I know.

This is gonna be so uncomfortable.

-I'm switching tables. -No, no, no. Hey. Come on back here.