Anger Management

Okay, this is goin' to be a shock,

but I think it's important that you see it.

Is it going to be you in a Speedo?

'Cause we got it. You lost five pounds.

You look great.

Thank you, but no.

This is something very serious.

Oh, my God. That's Lacey.

"Click here to donate"?

What the hell happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

She was walking down the street,

and, wham, it hit her out of nowhere.

The fastest way to make money is a charity scam.

I can't believe Lacey.

How could she set up a Web site like this?

What, you didn't think she'd stoop so low?

Well, of course she would.

It just looks great. I don't know how

she could set up a Web site like this.

Actually, I'm the one who set it up.

So why are you selling her out?

Well, because it's immoral, it's illegal,

and she promised me half of the profits,

and I haven't seen a nickel.

Because there probably aren't any profits.

Like to believe that people are a little too savvy these days

to send money to a girl

in sexy lingerie who's supposed to be in a coma.

Sorry I'm late, everybody. I was out shopping.

So, Lacey,

where'd you get the money?

I found it in my couch.

Oh, really?

Oh, look. It's someone who looks just like me,

that isn't me on TV.

You told.

You made $5,000,

and you didn't give me my half.

You can't split 5,000 in half.

It's an odd number.

Lacey, of all the selfish, narcissistic,

unethical things you've ever done,

this is easily

the most recent.

Well, your point of view

is very different from the people who wrote,

"#DotTragicButHot."

You've got to stop doing this.

You're taking money from people under false pretenses.

#DotThislsAFelony.

That's not fair, Charlie.

There's a Pakistani woman doing the exact same thing.

I have to say, though...

and I don't usually say this...

she's too skinny.

Well, maybe it's easier for her to get away with it

because she's in a real coma.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

There was a bear on the freeway

chewing on a cop's cellphone.

Nothing I could do.

So, in other words,

you spent all night having sex with some woman.

How did you know that?

Chewing and cellphone

are fairly obvious as to what they represent.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

It's amazing what my subconscious does

all on its own.

Okay, so here's what you missed.

You know the A.P.A. conference we have coming up?

The theme is successful partnerships,

and they're considering us for the keynote speakers.

Oh, man. After all the hassles

those morons on the ethics committee put me through,

they'd hate to have me on that stage.

Whose cellphone do we got to chew to get this gig?

Well, It's all in the e-mail.

It's from the chairwoman, Susie Haynes.

Uh...

Susie Haynes?

You slept with her, didn't you?

Why do you sleep with everybody?

Let me rephrase that.

Why does everybody sleep with you?

I didn't do anything.

She's a biter.

She bit my Achilles tendon during sex,

and it wasn't a fun little nibble.

It was more like a lion trying to take down a gazelle.

Why did she bite your ankle during sex?

Because I was trying to run away.

But I can still get this for us.

How?

Well, I'm not going to sleep with her again,

so I got to be honest.

I'm out of ideas for right now.

But I will think of something.

Okay, people, I am here, and I am ready to file.

Now, I might put everything under "L,"

because I am in love, love, love.

I thought Ray Ray got paroled.

Oh, no, this a new man, a better man,

who I'm also calling Ray Ray.

Last night, he gave me a whole bouquet

of fresh weeds picked from the yard.

It wasn't my birthday or nothing,

just weeds for no reason.

I've never gotten weeds for no reason.

Yeah. How come all the good men are in here?

I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm having problems with this Sean thing.

I thought that I would be able to handle hooking up

without a relationship, but I can't.

I think it's easier if I just call it off.

Well, I can't believe you two

even got together in the first place.

You're like oil and incredibly annoying water.

Yeah, he is a little annoying.

Yeah.

You don't really want to break up with that boy.

You just don't wanna get hurt.

Now, I felt the same way

when I started getting busy with Ray Ray.

I don't think my relationship with Sean

is the same as your relationship with Ray Ray.

- Is Sean a man? - Yeah.

Does he pin you against the shower wall

and take you like you're the last woman on Earth?

Yeah.

Then it is the same.

Now, if you really want to be his girlfriend,

stop playing around and tell him that's what you want.

You're right. I'm going to text him right now.

No, you got to make him wait a couple of days,

see how horrible his life is without you.

Oh, and here.

Give him these

Maybe they'll mean as much to him as they did to me.

Oh, and you might want to put those in some water.

So, Susie, you really don't like to use

a fork and knife, do you?

On ribs? No, I just like to rip 'em apart.

Yeah. It really brings me back.

So, anyway, about the conference...

Yeah, it's not looking good.

Well, why not?

I'm getting a lot of pressure

from the ethics committee to choose anyone but you.

Boy, when those guys get a grudge,

they don't let go.

It's like a dog with a bone.

No offense.

Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt. I'm just taking off.

No, no. No, it's fine. Sean, this is Susie.

Hey, how are you?

Listen, if you're on the fence

about hooking up with this guy, I'd go for it.

Word on the street, always brings his "A" game.

Well, thank you, Sean,

for that unnecessary

and deeply uncomfortable testimonial.

Anytime. What's the deal with Jordan, man?

I haven't gotten a text from her in, like, two days.

Can we talk about that later?

Oh. Of course. Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

You guys enjoy your date

It's not a date.

And I always bring my "A" game too.

That's good to know.

You have a... you have a piece of meat on your chest.

Thank you.

- Sorry about that. - No, that's fine.

Ooh. I'd like to sink my teeth into him.

Is he single?

Yeah, he just stopped seeing someone.

He just doesn't know it yet.

You know, I might be able

to hook you guys up if...

If I help you and your partner

get the keynote speakers' position?

Well, thanks for saying that.

Now I don't have to feel all dirty about bribing you.

No problem. Oh, by the way,

how's that ankle doing?

I put vitamin E on the scar every day.

It makes me think of you.

Hey. Can you talk now?

Yeah.

Look, I didn't want to say anything in front of Susie,

but Jordan told me today

that she's going to call it off with you.

Wait, what? Why?

She's Jordan.

She doesn't know what she wants.

I tell you who does know what she wants.

Susie, and she wants you.

Wait a minute. So Jordan's going to call it off with me,

but she didn't even bother texting me?