Crash Pad

Bullshit!

No.

Since when?

Since 15 years ago.

Bullshit.

No, it's not.

Where's your ring?

Ha! I know a Cracker Jack prize

when I see one. Where is he, then?

He is in LA with a client right now.

Okay, well, where's your wedding-type snapshots

and, you know, pretty photos of you and this husband?

We host a lot of parties here,

and Grady thinks that personal artifacts are tacky, so that's why...

- G... Grady? - Yes.

His name is Grady? Come on.

Yes... Yes, Stensland, his name is Grady.

Bullshit! Ha! Nice try.

Jesus, I can't believe you, Morgan.

Where... Where are you going?

To expose the lack of man clothing in your closet

and prove that you're bullshitting.

What the fuck!

I'm married!

Tell me you don't have kids. Were they watching us?

No. I don't... Why would I have my kids watching...

I don't have any kids.

You don't have kids because he's a violent drunk.

- No, we just... - He'd beat them.

Each other is all we've ever really wanted or needed,

so we don't have kids.

"Was." So, you'll be separated soon, right?

No.

Then what the fuck is this?

You held my hand in the cab yesterday!

That isn't the action of a woman just looking for great sex

behind her hubby's back, that's a woman looking for Doctor Zhivago!

This...

He cheated on me, okay?

He cheated on you?

And I held your hand yesterday because I like you, Stensland.

- Aw. - You know, I'm still... I'm still crushable.

"Crushable"?

You can't even say the word "love," can you?

You know, you can... You can free the penis now.

I mean, I've seen you naked for the past two days.

You've been seeing me naked under sheets and in limited light.

I've got very wide hips that make my unit

look a lot smaller than it actually is.

So it's like an optical illusion?

Yes! I've got bitch hips. Leave it be.

Okay, listen. This was so much fun.

And so, thank you.

But this is the last time that we will be seeing each other, okay?

Good. I was testing you.

Oh, phew!

What a load off my mind.

Oh, you know, my biggest fear,

since we started hookin' up, baby,

was that you would think this was something more than fucking,

like, God forbid, love.

- Love, love, love. - Listen, I...

I didn't want to hurt you. I'm really sorry.

You're sorry?

As for these...

Something tells me they're due for a dry cleaning.

Oh... What are you doing?

What is wrong with you?

Good day, madam.

Oh. Oh, that was real mature.

What?

"Crushable"?

How dare she?

All right, the usual.

One pink scone, one strawberry milk.

So $4.53.

You, uh... You doing all right, Stensland?

Could someone let me borrow 53 cents?

Sweet Christ, not now.

Woman, I don't know what you're saying!

No, not a single decipherable word!

It's the same puzzling dance every day!

Shut up!

You're not the smartest, you're not the coolest,

you're not the best-looking,

but God damn it, you are something.

You've got something that attracts people.

You've got something that attracts the ladies.

They don't know what it is, you don't know what it is,

but it's there, cocooned, growing and learning.

And one day, you'll bloom into a big, beautiful condor

that people will respect and fear.

"I can't believe that used to be Stensland," they'll say.

"I can't believe that used to be Stensland."

Hello, old friend.

Go ahead.

Oh, great episode.

Stensland? Oh, you are here.

Hey.

Hey.

Nah, I'm... I'm good.

I thought you said you were going to stop smoking during the day?

Oh, look, my dead mom's back. Great.

My God, what's the matter with you?

Morgan dumped me, okay?

She's married.

Is that the older lady you met at the furniture store?

Don't make her sound like Jessica Tandy. She's in her July.

Whatever, man. At least you got sex without strings.

I want strings.

I want commitment and mutual adoration.

I want to pass the bong to someone with boobs.

I want the danger of forgetting anniversaries

and the pain of holding in farts

because someone is sharing my bed.

- I want a girlfriend, Lyle. - I know, I know.

I'm sorry to change the subject,

but you noticed the cardboard boxes, right?

Did you drink and eBay?

No, I started moving over to Linda's.

Already?

You need to find another roommate, man.

Is this mine?

I like you.

I like you, too, buddy, just not as much as Linda. I love her.

All right, well, I'm out of here

a week from tomorrow, next Monday.

So find another roommate, Stens.

God damn it.

...life imitating art imitating life?

...and maybe, you know, it's not part of the plan.

Then again, I never thought that

losing you was part of the plan, either.

Oh...

I think sometimes you have to lose somebody completely

before you can figure out what they really mean to you.

Oh, D-dog, laying down the truth.

Hi, it's me...

Oh, Jesus!

Morgan, would you please call me back?

I worry I'm beginning to look desperate.

Phew! It smells bad in here.

What are you doing?

Oh...

I'm, uh, relaxing.

What about work?

Oh, I'm on leave.

You're not in the Navy.

You work six-hour shifts at an antique shop.

- Why do you need a leave? - My breakup!

For Christ's sake, man. Was the sex that good?

Good? It was transcendent, Lyle.

My spiritual self is still making an O-face.

But I'm not mourning the sex.

I'm mourning what we might have been.

That tiny taste of affection has made it very evident to me

that something's missing from my life.

Okay. I'm just surprised the store gave you this much time off.

Well...

This is more like one of those self-allotted time-out leaves, you know?

What? Go to work!

Stensland! I'm going to be totally moved out tomorrow.

You said I had till Monday.

Tomorrow is Monday, man.

- Tomorrow's Monday? - Tomorrow's Monday. Come on.

Shit. This chiba is unforgiving.

Ah, Mr. Laframboise.

I was just mulling a froYo break. You want one?

This is the last check.

You don't showing up one week, no call, no nothing!

Wait a minute, are we doing a scene from The Pawnbroker?

Mr. Laframboise, are you back in acting class? That's great.

- Get out! - Oh, okay, all right.

You're a passionate bear, you're upset, I get it.

I need to work on my communication skills, that's clear.

But I'm pretty sure I was already due a vacation week,

so can we just sit back, relax,

I'll put on some jasmine tea, chill out...

- Sir? - What?

I think this varnish may have turned,

and I would hate to compromise the honesty of that Victorian end table.

Sorry, am I interrupting?

Who the fuck is this?

New Stensland.

There's no other Stensland. How could you say that?

Um, my name is Pierce.

Mr. Laframboise, your assumption that my absence

is barren of a logical explanation offends me.

- We're closer than this. - No, we're not.

Okay, look, here's what happened.

I was sideswiped by a nasty cyclone known as "woman."

Lost aimlessly in her deceit, and it stung like a biatch.

So, please, just give me another chance.

Fuck you!

Morgan!

Morgan!

Hey! Hey, asshole! Come back here!

- Morgan! - You can't go in there.

Morgan!

Stensland.