black-ish

There are certain things in life that are just true.

Fact... the earth revolves around the sun.

Fact... 2 times 2 is 4.

And fact... black people aren't Republicans.

We just aren't.

We vote for Democrats.

And it's not just an Obama thing.

He could have dropped-kick this baby,

and I still would have voted for him.

But black people also overwhelmingly backed this guy,

this guy...

Get down, now.

Hell, 91% of black people voted for this guy.

Fact... 91% of Walter Mondale's family

didn't vote for Walter Mondale.

Sure! The other side may trot out a token black face

every now and again, but the fact of the matter

is being a black Republican is something we just don't do.

Ah! Hey, son. How was your day?

Oh, great. I joined

the young Republicans club at school.

Fact... Junior may not be a donkey,

but he's definitely an ass.

Black-ish 01x23 Elephant In The Room

Lunch for you.

Ah, lunch for you. Mm.

Lunch for you.

Ahh. Unh-unh.

No free lunch for you.

I don't want to offend your Republican sensibilities

by giving you a handout.

I skipped breakfast.

Yeah, well, if you wanna eat,

pull yourself up by your bootstraps!

Dre, what are you doing?

Well, Bow, we have a problem.

Junior... Is a Republican.

Well, that's okay.

What?

So he wants to shop at banana Republic.

They have a crazy generous return policy.

No, no, no. You're not getting it.

All right? He's a Republican.

A notary public? That's a noble profession.

We'll save us tons of time.

- Bow! - Hmm?

A Republican.

A member of the Irish Republican Army?

- What the hell? - Okay, okay.

So if you gotta take down a couple of fish and chips shops

to be free of British rule,

Dre, you gotta do what you gotta do.

N-no! Ronald Reagan. Ann Coulter.

Fox news. Tea party!

Bow! Republican!

- Republican? - Yes!

- No! - Yes!

- No! - Yes!

- No! - Yes!

We don't do that, Dre! We are compassionate liberals

who believe in tolerance, acceptance, open...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. But we're black, all right?

That's all that matters. We're black.

When did he start believing that immigrants should go back

across the border, that evolution doesn't exist?!

- They should. - What?

And it doesn't. That's just proper thinking.

- What? - Now what's all this fuss about?

Mom... Junior is a Republican.

- Well, that's fine. - What?

He wants to be a publican. A British tavern owner.

Noble profession.

No, mama. A Republican.

What's that you say?

You say "re"? As in Republican?!

- Uh-huh! - No, he can't be a Republican!

Oh, my God!

Not a Republican!

Oh, Jesus! Black Jesus! Sarah Palin.

You do know "nose in a book"

is just an expression, right?

What do you want?

I think you might need glasses.

You're squinting to read.

And this morning, you almost brushed your teeth

with the hydrocortisone.

I'm good.

Dad! Zoe needs glasses!

Don't listen to her. I can see fine, Dad.

- Um... It's mommy. - I knew that.

And I'm gonna make an appointment

with the eye doctor for next week.

No, no, no. I can see fine... ow!

Aah.

Or this week.

You need glasses.

Experience the all-new expectation-shattering buick.

Stop, stop, stop.

I don't like what I'm hearing.

Uh, that's the client's copy.

No, I hear squeaking.

- Chair check! - Chair check!

- No, none of ours. - I'm on it.

Really? You're gonna interrupt my pitch for this?

What's wrong, buddy? You love chair check.

Look, man, it's my son. He's...

Boom! Found it.

Excellent job!

Uh, sorry, Dre, you were in the middle of telling us

your son is gay. Yeah.

What? No. My son is not gay. He's...

A Republican.

Outstanding! Your son is exactly the type of young man

that the party needs.

You're sure he's not gay, though, right?

No, you... you don't get it.

There are just some things that black people cannot do.

All right? You can live in the suburbs and be cool.

You can listen to the Dave Matthews Band

and still be down. Love me some D.M.B.

A black guy can marry someone white

and still be cool.

- Kanye, Quincy Jones... - Mm-hmm.

- Tiger Woods, Ice-t, Richard Pryor... - Okay, Charlie.

- Cuba Gooding Jr., Seal, Taye Diggs... - Look, Charlie...

- Charles Barkley... - Charlie...

Keenan, Lamar Odom, Chiwetel Ejiofor...

Hey, Charlie, look, man,

we don't have enough time for that.

Plus you didn't even get to anybody in the NFL

or the fathers

of the Golden State Warriors backcourt.

- Klay Thompson. Look, you can do anything,

but you can't be a black Republican.

They are not down for us,

so we are not down for them.

Are you saying all Republicans are racist?

No, of course not.

But they are.

That is bullcrap. My dad is a Republican,

and I cannot tell you how often he starts a sentence with,

"I'm not a racist, but..."

Look, you just gotta do something about junior.

You don't want him to end up an Uncle Tom.

- True that. - Why not?

I love my Uncle Tom. Okay, he wasn't actually my Uncle,

but he was a great black guy named Jim who worked for my dad

and did everything he was told,

even at the expense of his own community.

Uncle Tom isn't a great thing, is it?

Mnh-mnh.

Zoey's getting glasses!

I'm so excited!

Why do you care so much?

Dad gave everyone great nicknames.

Junior's "junior," Zoey's "zo-zo,"

you're "Party time."

Stop!

Except me. I have the worst nickname.

- Daddy, Daddy! - Ah, hey.

Look at my new glasses.

Lookin' good, Urkel. Girl Urkel.

Gurkel!

I don't know if I like that name.

Well, it amused me for a moment,

so I guess you're gonna have to live with it

for the rest of your life.

Now I'm gonna go tell the family

what your new nickname is.

Her new nickname is "Gurkel"!

This is my chance to ditch this nickname.

You're not listening to a word I'm saying, Party time.

So hard to stand still.

Party time!

There was no way I was gonna let my namesake

become an Uncle Tom.

Son, you're broken.

And me and a hundred years of negritude are gonna fix you.

Now why'd you join the young Republicans?

Honestly, because of how I feel about Hillary.

Hillary? Come on, man.

I know she's not the freshest candidate, but...

No, Dad. Hillary Montgomery, a girl at my school.

She's the secretary of the young Republicans.

Oh, you did this for a girl. Well, come on, son.

You can't be scaring me like that.

And most of the time black girls don't like me.

She's black? What is going on?

Never mind.

Never mind. You got a girl on the line.

You know what, son? Here. Take her out for ice cream

on me this week. Whoo! Thanks.

Oh! Do I still have to read these books?

Hell, no! Books are for nerds.

Ha! Readin'.

You've got you a girl. Ha ha!

Ugh. I look like someone I wouldn't let sit with me.

What?! No, you? Never.

Jack? I would not be seen with you.

Exactly. You know what? I'm not wearing these.