The Simpsons

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D'oh!

None of you will inherit anything.

Because there isn't any.

D'oh.

Previously on The Simpsons,

a charismatic new preacher came to Springfield.

You want to hold my gun?

You-you can.

And Lisa admired him

like no adult man she'd ever met.

This brunch has turned into...

a jazz brunch!

Reverend Lovejoy

lost his job and swore revenge.

This is...

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This preacher is so amazing.

I'm looking forward to this.

This is the first time I've come to church

when it's not part of a big montage

of my enemies being whacked.

Whoa! Hey! Whoa!

Well, someone looks awfully nice for church.

Oh, this thing?

Are you sure you aren't just attracted

to our handsome new pastor?

Silly. Moms aren't attracted to pastors.

Oh, this place is so crowded.

My leg is touching Milhouse's dad's.

Looks like we're knee neighbors, huh, buddy?

Mr. Smithers.

I don't think I've ever seen you without Mr. Burns.

Oh, Mr. Burns is more comfortable at home

reading his copies of the scriptures.

"Blessed be the poor"?

I'm just finding this out now?

No one must know.

Exodus.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

For those of you interested in the Packers game...

We don't want to know.

So, I know some of you still have some questions about me.

I certainly do.

Will you be godfather to my son?

We're not there yet, Mel.

But, seriously, fewer and fewer people are coming to church.

Numbers are declining. And I get it.

When you tell people that you believe in God,

usually they take that to mean

that you're quietly judging their lifestyle

or think everybody but you is going to Hell.

Way to preach, bitch.

I'm gonna pretend I heard "amen."

Oh, relax, bitch.

The original function of religion

was to bring us together. "Religion."

"Ligio," like "ligament."

It means to reconnect.

They don't teach you that at medical school.

Yes, they do.

Well, I learn from my mistakes.

Malpractice makes malperfect.

Well, I want to bring us all together.

Not just Christians but Hindus and Buddhists.

Even those that don't believe.

Does anyone besides me

miss church the way it was?

Well, the crickets agree.

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This church has gone from a place of warm, awkward silence

into a gooey lovefest run by a narcissistic kum-bah-yo-yo,

and I will not stand for it.

You and I believe in the same God.

I just believe that that God loves everyone.

You don't agree with that, Ned?

Sir, we are not on a first-name basis.

Mr. Flanders.

You may call me New Evangelical Deacon,

or Ned for short.

Okay, Ned, look, God is the love,

the "yes" that set the universe in motion.

He or She...

Maybe this time.

Not bad, kid. Also not good.

Let me show you how it's done. And a one, and a two.

Hey!

Aw, sleeping in church.

Like father like daughter.

God is nothing but grace and flow and forgiveness.

And if you don't think so,

I-I don't know, maybe you should go back

and read the Bible a little bit closer.

Are you questioning a man who travels with extra Bibles

to put them in hotel rooms?

Do you mind?

I'm sure you're very sincere,

but a parrot can recite the Bible

and have no idea what it means.

What? What? What?

This isn't church anymore.

We're out of here.

Daddy, we can't leave before the pastor says so.

- Who told you that? - You did.

You call it "Homer Simpson-ing."

Yeah, don't Homer Simpson, you jerk.

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This is where he got fired.

Now we're gonna poke

into Mr. Perfect Pastor's pysterious past.

Did you just say "pysterious"?

Can't you be on my side for once?

Excuse me, we're looking for the pastor.

Oh, we don't have pastors. But our touch screen directory

does have a digital assistant.

Hi, I'm Holy Cow.

How can I help you?

Please give us your fingerprint by pressing this screen.

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You haven't pressed anything.

Why not?

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I'd like to speak to someone below God and above you.

Well, maybe you can find what you need in here.

How many of you suffer from the effects of mesothelioma?

Dial Jesus at ocho, ocho, ocho,

ocho, ocho, ocho, ocho.

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Please help us.

This man is a fellow clergyman.

Really?

Church, steeple,

doors, people!

Come with me.

Preacher Mac? I have a couple here to see you.

I'm here to discuss a matter of some unpleasantness.

You're not here from The Boston Globe, are you?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm a pastor, too.

I hear there's a little dirt on the collar of a man

who used to preach here, Bode Wright.

Him?!

You better sit down.

It's a short story, but I'm gonna milk it.

I would go on, but I am down to my last vocal cord.

Even for a pastor,

I've taken way too long to make a simple point.

Now...

here's the proof.

Oh, my God, so many singles in my area

want to meet me.

Hmm.

Possessions don't matter,

money doesn't matter, this doesn't matter.

Is he burning what I think he's burning?

I've got him now.

Lisa Marie Simpson, are you reading the Bible?

Yes, it's good, but...

I have a few notes.

Yeah, well I never met a Hittite

who wasn't trying to expand his empire into Egypt.

Oh, Hittites... worse than the Canaanites!

Oh, now who's doing this because of the handsome new pastor?

Reverend Wright?

You think he's...

Oh, why pretend?

When he speaks, I feel like he's speaking only to me.

Oh, Lisa, honey, I'm worried you'll get too attached.

This town has a way of rejecting what's new and different.

And better.

Not this time.

But look at your vision board.

It's full of nothing but crushing disappointment.

Ha-ha!

Even your vision board is a failure.

That hook was supposed to hold

a lifetime's worth of disappointment.

Get thee behind me, Saturn.

I need to pee.

No time. We've got defrocking to do.

Timothy, I've never seen you like this.

Maybe I'll do some defrocking, too.

In the choo choo room?

Okay, mood's gone.

Two beers, Moe.

Nothing for the reverend.

Oh, howdy there, Rev.

Well, can't let him see my nudie glasses.

You didn't have to break your nudie glasses.

Now you tell me. Uh, remind me...

how many boobs does a woman have?

I never got so much off my chest.

So, then I coveted my neighbor's riding mower.

I never pedal when I'm on a bicycle built for two.

- Homer... - I went trick-or-treating

when I was 30.