Parks and Recreation

- HEY, I'VE GAINED A LOT OF GROUND IN THE POLLS.

THAT'S GOOD NEWS.

- YEAH, I HAVE YOU DOWN ONLY FOUR POINTS,

BUT THEY'RE RUNNING A TON OF NEW NEGATIVE ADS.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIGHT BACK.

- BEN, YOUR HEART'S IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

YOUR HEART AND YOUR BUTT.

I WILL NOT GO NEGATIVE.

CRAP ON A TURD!

- CARE FOR A "RECALL KNOPE" GIFT BAG?

- THE COMMITTEE TO RECALL LESLIE KNOPE IS RELENTLESS.

LOOK WHAT THEY'RE HANDING OUT AT ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS.

- I'M LESLIE KNOPE.

TELL YOUR PARENTS TO RECALL ME.

- WE ALL KNOW THAT I CANNOT SPEND AS MUCH MONEY ON ADS

AS MY OPPONENT, BUT I PRINTED OUT 10,000 "DON'T" STICKERS

AND 10,000 QUESTION MARK STICKERS.

THAT WAY, IF YOU SEE A SIGN AND IT SAYS "RECALL KNOPE,"

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS ADD THE QUESTION MARK

AND THE "DON'T," AND SUDDENLY, IT READS,

"RECALL KNOPE? DON'T."

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT THE "DON'T"

IN FRONT OF "RECALL KNOPE"?

- YEP, THAT'S A MUCH BETTER IDEA.

- CAN I HAVE THESE QUESTION MARK STICKERS?

WHY?

- I WANT TO PUT THEM ON STOP SIGNS.

APRIL, NO!

*

- HI. UM, I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT RESERVING A PARK.

- OH, WE HAVE A NEW POLICY.

PARKS CAN ONLY BE RESERVED FOR WITCH COVENS

OR SLIP-AND-SLIDE COMPETITIONS.

WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

- UH, SLIP-AND-SLIDE COMPETITION.

- SERIOUSLY? - NO.

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN COMPETE IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

UM, I CALLED EARLIER ABOUT THE FREE VACCINATIONS THING.

WE'RE HOPING TO SET UP A MOBILE HOSPITAL

IN ONE OF YOUR PARKS.

I'M SORRY, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM?

- TOM, THIS WITCH WANTS TO RESERVE A PARK

FOR HER SATANIC RITUAL.

CAN YOU HELP HER?

- RIGHT. SMASHING.

UH, YES, I'M THOMAS HAVERFORD.

I SORT OF RUN THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT.

UM, WHAT WAS THE NAME, THEN?

UH, NADIA STATSKY.

I'M FROM DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS.

- BRILLIANT. THE OLD "D"s WITHOUT "B"s.

UH, WE CAN DEFINITELY HELP.

YEAH, TOM'S YOUR GUY.

HE ACTUALLY USED TO RUN THE PARKS DEPARTMENT

IN HIS HOME COUNTRY OF RUSSIA.

- THIS ONE IS MENTAL.

SHE'S JOKING, OBVIOUSLY.

HOW COULD I BE FROM RUSSIA?

NOT WITH THIS SPOT-ON BRITISH ACCENT.

WE CAN DEFINITELY GET YOU SORTED.

RIGHT THIS WAY.

OKAY.

- WHOA. I AM PRETTY SURE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE A WEAPON AT WORK.

- LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS A WEAPON, SON.

THAT FOLDER, IN MY HANDS, IS FAR DEADLIER

THAN THIS BOW IN YOURS.

- OH, THAT'S... PROBABLY TRUE.

SO, LESLIE AND I JUST FINISHED PUTTING TOGETHER

OUR WILL, AND SHE WANTS YOU TO BE THE WITNESS.

YOU MIND SIGNING IT?

THAT'S YOUR WILL?

YOU NEED THAT MANY PAGES TO SAY,

"GIVE MY STUFF TO MY WIFE"?

- IT'S A COMPLICATED LEGAL DOCUMENT.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.

I'VE HAD THE SAME WILL SINCE I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD.

- "UPON MY DEATH, ALL OF MY BELONGINGS

"SHALL TRANSFER TO THE MAN OR ANIMAL

WHO HAS KILLED ME."

WHAT ARE THESE WEIRD SYMBOLS?

- THE MAN WHO KILLS ME WILL KNOW.

- OKAY, YOU SHOULD REALLY HAVE A WILL

THAT'S MORE THAN ONE SENTENCE LONG.

YOU HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS NOW.

I COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR LAWYER.

- THE THREE MOST USELESS JOBS IN THE WORLD

ARE, IN ORDER, LAWYER, CONGRESSMAN, AND DOCTOR.

PASS.

- RON, THAT DOCUMENT IS NOTHING.

IT'S NOT EVEN NOTARIZED.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU DIE

AND YOU DON'T HAVE A REAL WILL,

MOST OF WHAT YOU OWN WILL GO TO THE GOVERNMENT.

- WHERE IS THIS LAWYER YOU SPEAK OF?

- I'M PLEASED TO FORMALLY SUBMIT BILL 68-J,

WHICH FUNDS A NEW BIKE PATH IN RAMSETT PARK.

- MOTION TO TABLE THIS BILL. - SECOND.

- I ALSO SUBMIT BILL 68-R. - MOTION TO TABLE.

SECOND.

- YOU GUYS WANT TO DELAY ALL MY BILLS? FINE.

I'M JUST GONNA KEEP MY HEAD DOWN

AND CONTINUE TO GET WORK DONE.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, UH, MOTION TO END THIS SESSION EARLY

SO NOTHING CAN GET DONE.

SECOND.

- GAHHH, YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST!

SORRY, KNOPE.

WE'RE JUST LOOKING FOR ANY POSSIBLE WAY

TO GET YOU RECALLED BECAUSE WE DON'T LIKE YOU.

IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL. - IT ABSOLUTELY IS PERSONAL.

THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF "PERSONAL."

"THE DEFINITION OF PERSONAL."

- EXCUSE ME, WE HAVE AN ISSUE.

A TWEET HAS BEEN TWEETED FROM THE PARKS AND REC TWITTER,

AND I'M AFRAID IT IS QUITE SEXUALLY GRAPHIC.

IT'S PROBABLY JUST SOME BORED TEENAGER

WHO HACKED THE ACCOUNT.

- WHOEVER IT IS, IT'S QUITE SERIOUS.

- I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET RECALLED KNOPE,

BUT DAMN, THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO PICK A NECK MASSAGER.

AND BEFORE YOU GET ON MY CASE ABOUT THOSE STICKERS,

I ALREADY DID 'EM.

- DONNA, THERE IS TROUBLE A-BREWIN'.

- WE THINK THAT YOU MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY

TWEETED FROM THE PARKS AND REC ACCOUNT

RATHER THAN YOUR OWN PERSONAL ACCOUNT.

- UH-OH. WHAT'D IT SAY?

"SEE YOU TONIGHT.

"HOPE YOU LIKE TONGUE BATHS,

YOU BIG, NASTY FIREMAN."

- THEN THERE'S A PICTURE OF A PAIR OF LIPS

AND THEN A PICTURE OF AN EGGPLANT.

I'M BOTH CONFUSED, AND IF WE'RE BEING TOTALLY HONEST,

A LITTLE AROUSED.

EW.

- NOT TO GIVE YOU TOO MUCH OF A PEEK INTO MY PERSONAL LIFE,

BUT THIS COULD HAVE BEEN WAY WORSE.

- WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS, WE DELETED THE TWEET,

AND NOBODY IS GONNA KNOW IT'S YOU,

BUT DONNA, YOU KNOW, BE MORE CAREFUL IN THE FUTURE.

THIS ALMOST BLEW UP IN MY FACE.

- I'M HERE LIVE, AT A PRESS CONFERENCE,

WHERE COUNCILMAN JEREMY JAMM

WILL DISCUSS A GOVERNMENT SCANDAL

WE ARE CALLING "TWITTER WATERGATE"

UNTIL WE CAN FIND A SNAPPIER NAME FOR IT.

- TONGUE BATHS? EGGPLANTS?

FIREMEN?

THOSE MEN ARE HEROES WHO DESERVE RESPECT!

9/11!

THIS IS HOW LESLIE KNOPE RUNS HER PARKS DEPARTMENT?

WE ARE GOING TO HOLD HEARING AFTER HEARING,

UNTIL WE ARE SATISFIED.

THIS WILL BE BLOWN WAY OUT OF PROPORTION!

YOU HAVE MY WORD ON IT!

UGH.

- OOH, THIS IS BAD. I'M GONNA GET FIRED.

- NO ONE IS GETTING FIRED, OKAY?

JAMM IS TRYING TO USE THIS TO HURT ME IN THE RECALL.

HE'S TRYING TO TAKE ME DOWN,

AND HE'S WILLING TO ATTACK MY FRIENDS IN THE PROCESS?

NO. NO WAY. NOT ON MY WATCH. - NOT ON HER WATCH.

- HE IS NOT GONNA SULLY YOUR NAME.

NO SULLYING ALLOWED!

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, DONNA.

WE'RE GONNA NIP THIS IN THE BUD.

- GUARD YOUR BUDS, 'CAUSE THEY'RE ABOUT TO GET NIPPED!

.

- SO, WHY DOES DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS

WANT TO COME TO PAWNEE?

- PAWNEE IS LIKE A PETRI DISH OF WEIRD DISEASES.

DID YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A HIGHER RATE OF THE WEST NILE VIRUS

THAN THE ACTUAL WESTERN NILE?

- SORRY, WEST NILE, LOOKS LIKE PAWNEE WINS AGAIN.

- WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU BEATEN THE WESTERN NILE IN?

- CRICKET. UH...

JUST FILL OUT THESE FORMS, AND WE WILL BE ALL SET

LIKE TWO BISCUITS INSIDE A TIN.

- SO, YOU'VE GONE INSANE. THAT'S FUN.

I JUST PANICKED.

SHE'S SO OUT OF MY LEAGUE,

MY BRAIN JUST MADE ME TALK THAT WAY

SO I'D SEEM COOLER.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

- NOTHING! THIS IS AMAZING.

- APRIL. - FINE.

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A CHANCE WITH HER,

OBVIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO STOP.

IT'S EITHER THAT, OR YOU TALK LIKE THAT

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

- YOU THINK SHE'D MARRY ME?

- ALL RIGHT, JUST LET ME DO THE TALKING HERE, OKAY?

I MEAN, HE'S A LAWYER, I'M AN ACCOUNTANT.

WE SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, ACCOUNTANTS ARE A LITTLE MORE BAD BOY,

BUT, UH, THERE'S A RESPECT THERE.

- WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER? - HEY, TREVOR.

I'VE BEEN TALKING TO RON ABOUT ESTATE PLANNING,

AND HE IS HERE TO DO SOME "GOOD WILL HUNTING."