Life in Pieces

_

- Hi, come on in. - Hi!

- Yay. - Come on in.

- Thank you so much for watching Lark last minute. - Oh, of course.

I know, Colleen, you had to work today.

And Matt, you had to...

- so, thank you. - Yep.

Yeah, I mean, first interview for preschool.

- Oh, wow. - Oh, hey.

And they place a-a lot of emphasis

on diversity so...

I'm gonna have to do the interview like this.

I wouldn't.

- Yeah, what's that? - But no worries.

This is like my dream day off.

I love Lark.

Oh, and she is so crazy about you.

- I mean, she can't stop talking about you. - No.

- Oh. Oh. - You know?

But just be sure when she wakes up

- to reintroduce yourself. - Yeah.

- Okay. - Okay.

And so I left you a schedule

- Uh-huh. - and all of her favorite toys and books,

some of which are in our bathroom.

That's a question for Greg.

- But we really should get... - Okay.

Okay, and, uh, you know, where's her stroller

in case we want to take her outside, a free-range Lark?

- Oh. - You know what,

I think let's make today just, like, an inside day.

- Yeah. - Yeah, just 'cause we don't want

to risk her making friends with a new baby

'cause then we'd have to be nice to the parents.

- Uh-huh. Got it. - Right.

- Yeah. Very good. - Okay.

Hadn't thought of that.

- Thanks, guys. - Bye, guys.

- Good luck. - Take care.

Aw, this is fun.

It's like a little window into our future as parents.

You think if we ever have a kid, it's gonna be this cute?

Even cuter.

Ours is gonna be one of those multiracial babies...

Yeah.

which are the only kinds they put in commercials these days.

Right.

I'm kind of a baby expert

'cause, you know, I-I looked after all of Heather's kids,

and then we had this little baby bird that...

didn't make it.

Well, I'm glad you know what you're doing

'cause I didn't babysit much growing up.

Really? Not even in high school?

Well, I did once, but then I became known as

"the girl who flirted with a dad,"

and that kind of killed my career and a marriage.

And that's why everyone was very confused

at your mommy and daddy's wedding.

I-I don't get it. She giggled at this thing

for like ten minutes and suddenly she hates it.

And now I'm starting to wonder if it was

ever really all that funny to begin with.

She's just staring into space.

Is that normal?

I don't know. This is a weird baby, man.

Ooh, I know, we could take her to a pet store,

and let her put her fingers in all the cages.

That's a great idea. We're ready for an outing.

Besides, it'll put some life into this dumb Greg baby.

Oh, wait.

Jen said we didn't need

to take her anywhere in the stroller.

We're not gonna take a stroller.

Okay, I've got a bottle and snacks and that puppet

in case it makes a comeback.

You really thought of everything.

Yeah. I think I'm gonna be a really good mom.

I know you are.

Aw.

She's fine.

Oh, I feel terrible.

Sleeping with that dad in high school was a sign

I wasn't meant to take care of kids.

You said you just flirted with him.

Huh? Maybe we should call Jen.

No way. We'll look incompetent.

And then when we have kids of our own,

everyone will be worried that we can't handle it.

Well, maybe we can't.

Oh, we dropped one baby on her face.

We'll be much more careful with ours.

- Yeah. You're right. - Yeah.

I'm glad we can learn these lessons on someone else's baby.

Totally.

Really?

We drop you on your head, you don't cry.

Now you're crying at this? Greg baby.

Oh, no.

What do we do?

Oh, no, no, no. Don't answer.

No, they'll hear in our voice that something is wrong,

and then they'll start to worry,

so just, like, let it ring forever.

- Okay. - Okay.

Hi.

I think it totally works.

I can still see it.

Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't have been

so quick to dismiss your Blue Man Group idea.

That's the garage. They're home.

Okay, whoa, whoa, stay calm. It's not a big deal.

Lark is fine.

And maybe

we don't have to explain anything.

Okay. You go there.

- You stay there, okay? Yeah. - Ready?

Hi.

- Hi. - Oh, no.

No, God, you opened the door into her face.

I think that's gonna leave a mark.

Oh, yep, there it is.

Yeah. You do know that we have cameras everywhere

and we watched the whole thing on my phone?

No, we did not know that.

Give me my child.

Oh, sweetie, are you okay?

We're really sorry.

And look, she's fine.

Yeah, and sorry about, you know, having sex on your bed.

Yeah.

Well, we don't have cameras in the bedroom.

- Okay. - Oh.

Uh, I was gonna say that I was pretty impressed

with the way you two came together in a crisis.

The first time Lark tripped over

one of my shoes and got a fat lip,

Greg gave me the stink eye and called me a slut.

Huh.

She picks up her shoes now, though.

Look at that. See? We do make a good team.

We do.

Maybe we're gonna be great parents after all.

Well, you know, you did concuss a baby

and then try to fix it with a makeover,

but I guess everyone's definition

of great is different.

Well, uh,

I'm gonna go clean our sheets.

And also this baby's diaper

because didn't catch that on the surveillance.

Okay.

I thought you said you were gonna do that.

- Well, I'll do it if it's our baby. - Yeah.

_

Oh, man. Look at this.

Yeah, I get it, Marmaduke's a big boy.

No. No. That-That virtual health care company

I wanted to invest in years ago just went public.

If you would have let me invest that money

my parents gave us, we would be rich,

and not in the stupid way that you're supposed to say

with, like, friends and health, but in the good way, with money.

Virtual health care?

I never told you that you couldn't invest in that.

Yes, you did!

Babe, it was the biggest fight we ever had.

It caused my scalp to reject my new hair plugs.

Babe, biggest fight we ever had

was how much skill does it take

to become a game show host.

It is very difficult,

but I am talking about a much bigger fight.

We were screaming at each other

in the middle of that Asian fusion restaurant.

You left crying.

And then the delivery guy had to drive me home

on his handlebars.

Oh, was that the place

with the hamburger egg rolls?

- So, you remember the egg rolls... - Yes.

but you don't remember the biggest fight

in the history of our relationship?

Oh, my God. I had a sex dream about those egg rolls.

All right, look, I'm just upset because if your mom

hadn't put the kibosh on my dreams,

we'd all be wearing,

you know, name-brand sneakers

instead of these Air Gordons.

Don't you have to wear those because of your corns?

Look, that's not the point.

The point is that I want her to acknowledge

how much money she cost us. You know.

I mean, look, this is the first time I've ever been

proven right in an argument,

and now your mother just

conveniently forgets about it?

Dad, this space is too small.

Ah, I never listen to people

who say I can't fit into things.