Parks and Recreation

- PAWNEE IS, AS YOU ALL KNOW,

THE FOURTH MOST OBESE CITY IN AMERICA.

SOON TO BE NUMBER THREE.

WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, SAN ANTONIO.

NO, WE ARE NOT.

WE ARE SLIMMING DOWN...

STARTING RIGHT HERE AT CITY HALL.

I AM IMPLEMENTING

A GOVERNMENT-WIDE HEALTH INITIATIVE.

- WE COULD HAVE A CITY HALL DODGEBALL LEAGUE.

I HAVE FIRST PICK, AND MY PICK IS RON.

- GREAT IDEA. KEEP 'EM COMING.

NOW, IF ANYBODY WOULD LIKE TO JOIN ME,

I WILL BE RUNNING BACKWARDS UP THE BIG HILL

BEHIND THE WAL-MART.

DON'T FREAK OUT,

BUT JOE FROM SEWAGE JUST UNHOOKED YOUR BRA WITH HIS EYES.

- WHAT? OH, BOY.

HI, JOE. - WHAT'S UP, KNOPE?

LOOKING GOOD THESE DAYS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? VAN'S OUT BACK.

LET'S ROLL.

- WHERE'S THIS COMING FROM? - I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE PUTTING OUT SOME VIBE TODAY.

IT'S JUST DRIVING ME CRAZY.

LISTEN, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME,

WHY DON'T YOU COME ON DOWN TO THE TOILET PARTY?

THAT'S WHAT WE CALL THE SEWAGE DEPARTMENT.

- GREAT. OKAY.

LIKING THE VIEW.

STILL GOT IT, JOE. - NO, YOU DON'T.

*

CHRISTOPHER, GOT A SECOND?

OH, HEY, RON.

- LISTEN, I'VE EATEN A COMMISSARY HAMBURGER

FOR LUNCH EVERY DAY FOR 12 YEARS.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE

THIS POINTLESS HEALTH CRUSADE

WON'T AFFECT THE ONLY PART OF MY JOB THAT I LIKE.

- OH, NO, THOSE HAMBURGERS ARE GONE.

RED MEAT CAN CAUSE SLUGGISHNESS,

HEART DISEASE, EVEN IMPOTENCE.

- HAS THE OPPOSITE EFFECT ON ME.

- YOU EVER TRIED A TURKEY BURGER?

- IS THAT A FRIED TURKEY LEG INSIDE A GRILLED HAMBURGER?

IF SO, YES. DELICIOUS.

- A TURKEY BURGER--YOU TAKE LEAN GROUND TURKEY MEAT,

AND YOU MAKE THAT INTO A BURGER, INSTEAD OF RED MEAT.

- WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT TO THEMSELVES?

- WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I COULD MAKE A TURKEY BURGER

THAT TASTES BETTER THAN ANY OTHER BURGER YOU'VE EVER HAD?

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED--

COOK-OFF LATER TODAY IN THE COURTYARD.

IF I WIN, HAMBURGERS REMAIN IN THE COMMISSARY.

- WHAT DO I GET IF I WIN?

THE RAREST JEWEL OF ALL--

VICTORY OVER ME, RON SWANSON.

- I LIKE THAT. WE'RE ON.

- YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS,

BUT I ACTUALLY CHECKED OUT THAT, UH--THAT SNOW GLOBE MUSEUM

THAT YOU RECOMMENDED, AND IT WAS PRETTY AWESOME,

I HAVE TO SAY.

I MEAN, I DID GET IN TROUBLE FOR SHAKING ONE.

- YEAH, I'M NOT ALLOWED THERE ANYMORE.

SO I HAVE SOME IDEAS FOR THE HEALTH INITIATIVE.

- OKAY. HOW ABOUT I SWING BY LATER,

AND WE'LL JUST, YOU KNOW, MAYBE GO OVER EVERYTHING?

- OR WE COULD GO OUT AFTER WORK--

YOU KNOW, GO TO JJ'S OR SOMETHING, GRAB A BITE.

UM, I-I DON'T THINK I CAN.

BUT WHY DON'T WE JUST TALK ABOUT IT LATER

IN THIS BUILDING?

OKAY? - ALL RIGHT.

BUT, UH, YOU'RE GREAT, AND YOU HAVE GREAT IDEAS,

AND...

UM...

UH, BYE.

BYE, BABE.

- HEY, I BROUGHT THIS CHOLESTEROL-TESTING KIT

FOR THE HEALTH THING. - OKAY, LET'S DO IT.

SO I ASKED BEN OUT TO DINNER, AND HE SAID NO.

- WHAT? HE SEEMED REALLY INTO YOU.

WHAT DID HE SAY EXACTLY?

- HE WAS LIKE, "HUH? WHAT? HUH? OH. BYE."

AND THEN HE WALKED INTO AN OFFICE THAT WASN'T HIS.

OH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU, HE'S NUTS.

YOU'RE AWESOME, AND THERE'S A MILLION OTHER GUYS OUT THERE.

I HAVE BEEN HAVING SO MUCH FUN JUST DATING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

- I KNOW. WHO WAS THAT GUY YOU WERE TALKING TO OUT THERE

AND THEN ALSO KISSING? I WAS--

CRAP ON A CRAYFISH. THAT REALLY STINGS.

I HAVEN'T PRICKED YOU YET.

- OH, SORRY. I WAS JUST PICTURING IT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE YOU NEED TO CAST A WIDER NET.

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT INTERNET DATING?

- REALLY? I DON'T THINK THAT'S FOR ME.

AAH! YOU'RE A MONSTER.

- STILL HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL HELP YOU SET UP A PROFILE. IT'LL BE FUN.

- ALL RIGHT, YEAH, LET'S DO IT. OKAY, GOOD.

I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER. - OH, IT'S NOT.

- YOU, ANN!

WHO THE HELL IS "FORP"?

- I DON'T KNOW. I COULDN'T REALLY HEAR HIM.

IT SOUNDED LIKE HIS NAME WAS FORP.

- YOU GET HIS NUMBER? - NO.

GOOD GIRL.

- RON SWANSON. APRIL LUDGATE.

HEY, I'M JUST GONNA POP OVER TO GRAIN 'N SIMPLE

TO GET THE VERY BEST INGREDIENTS FOR MY BURGER.

DO YOU WANT TO COME? - WHAT IS GRAIN 'N SIMPLE?

IT'S A HEALTH-FOOD STORE.

- PAWNEE DOESN'T HAVE A HEALTH-FOOD STORE.

- NO, BUT SNERLING DOES, AND IT'S ONLY A 40-MINUTE DRIVE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ANDY?

- I'M GETTING HEALTHIER SNACKS FOR THE SHOESHINE STAND.

CHRIS IS A FOOD GENIUS.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE FOOD YOU EAT BECOMES ENERGY?

YEAH. BOOM! THAT'S SPAGHETTI.

NACHOS.

THAT'S A COOKIE.

THAT'S MY HUSBAND.

- SEE YOU TOMORROW? - OKAY.

- IS THAT A DIFFERENT GUY FROM EARLIER?

- WHAT? - NEVER MIND.

- YOU READY TO ROCK THIS PROFILE?

ALL RIGHT.

YELLOW-HAIRED FEMALE

LIKES WAFFLES AND NEWS.

SEXY, WELL-READ BLONDE

LOVES THE SWEETER THINGS IN LIFE.

MUCH BETTER.

- HOBBIES? - ORGANIZING MY AGENDA.

WAIT, THAT DOESN'T SOUND FUN.

UM, JAMMING ON MY PLANNER.

FAVORITE PLACE?

- UPSTAIRS THERE'S THIS MURAL OF WILDFLOWERS,

AND I LIKE TO SIT ON A BENCH IN FRONT OF IT.

REALLY?

IT COULD BE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD--

PARIS, HAWAII, THE GRAND CANYON.

- NO, JUST THE BENCH IN FRONT OF THE MURAL.

- WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, AN ACTUAL MEADOW

WHERE WILDFLOWERS ARE? - EW, ANN.

I'M SCARED OF BEES. MURAL.

- OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF DOGS?

LOVE.

- CATS. - LOVE.

- FISH. - LOVE.

TURTLES.

NO OPINION.

THEY'RE CONDESCENDING.

DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL MAN.

HE'S DARK AND MYSTERIOUS,

AND HE CAN SING, AND HE PLAYS THE ORGAN.

- I THINK YOU JUST DESCRIBED THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

MM.

- AH, NIRVANA. HEY, GUYS.

all: HEY, CHRIS.

AMBER, ANNIE, BILL, JOHNNY.

- NO, I DON'T PLAN TO BUY ANYTHING HERE.

I BUY MY BURGER INGREDIENTS AT FOOD AND STUFF,

A DISCOUNT-FOOD OUTLET EQUIDISTANT FROM MY HOME

AND MY WORK.

I CAME HERE FOR THE SAME REASON PEOPLE GO TO THE ZOO.

SHH.

LOOK AT THAT THING.

NATURE IS AMAZING.

- OKAY. OH, MY GOD.

A 98% MATCH.

THAT'S A SOUL-MATE-LEVEL MATCH.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING THIS HIGH BEFORE.

AWESOME.

- OKAY. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU HAVE TO FORGET ABOUT BEN.

HE HAD HIS CHANCE, AND HE BLEW IT.

THIS COMPUTER COULD HAVE FOUND THE FUTURE MR. LESLIE KNOPE.

- YEAH. OKAY...

ENTIRE UNIVERSE OF GUYS I MIGHT DATE,

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

AH!

HOW CAN I HELP YOU? - CRAIG, YOUR SERVICE IS CRAP.

- CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC? - YES.

YOUR SOUL-MATE MATCH WAS TOTALLY WRONG FOR ME.

I MEAN, I LIKE HIM AS A FRIEND AND EVERYTHING,

BUT I'D NEVER GO OUT WITH HIM.

HE'S LIKE A LITTLE SISTER TO ME.

- WE HAVE A VERY SOPHISTICATED ALGORITHM

THAT'S PAIRED UP THOUSANDS OF COUPLES.

I ACTUALLY MET MY WIFE ON THE SITE.

- REALLY? WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA LAST.

- EXCUSE ME? - YOU HEARD ME.

YOUR MARRIAGE IS A SHAM. GOOD-BYE, CRAIG.

SEE YOU, SWEETHEART.

WOW, HE SEEMS NICE.

- EH. HE KIND OF LIVES IN A BARN.

WHAT'S UP? - WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

WHY DO GOOD GUYS HATE ME AND GROSS GUYS LOVE ME?

DIAGNOSE ME. YOU'RE A NURSE.