Brad Williams: Daddy Issues

- Southern California, are you ready

to have a good time tonight?

Get excited,

make it loud,

for Brad Williams!

What's up!?

What's goin' on everybody!?

There's no way I can live up to that,

but dammit, I'm gonna try!

Are you guys ready to party?

Are you guys ready to have

a lot of fuckin' fun tonight?

Good! Good!

I like havin' fun, I like to party.

I don't know about you,

but when I party, I like to drink.

One of the main reasons I like to drink is

because I never have to pay for it.

Ever.

'Cause everyone wants to know what happens

when a dwarf gets drunk.

Right now you're thinking, "I wonder what happens.

"I would really like to know that."

And I know it's like me and hot chicks,

me and hot chicks have that thing in common

where we walk into the club and everyone just looks

at us and goes, "We're gettin' that fucked up tonight."

It's true, but I don't know why!

Because nothing happens when I drink, nothing crazy.

Like I don't know if one of your friends told you, like,

"No, man, you get a midget drunk,

"they explode into gold coins.

"It's ridiculous, like it's awesome."

Nothing happens!

Basically when I drink, it's the same thing

as when a hot chick drinks.

I get very emotional,

I'll probably text an ex,

and by the end of the night I might blow a dude.

I also say things when I'm drunk

that I would absolutely never say sober

under any circumstances.

Like, not too long ago

I was watching a game with my buddy,

and the team that I put money on won.

I was very excited,

so I turned to my friend and I said something to him

that I would never say if I was sober.

I turn to him, I go, "Yeah!

"Chest bump!"

I should never say that shit, I should never.

Why did I say that to my friend?

He's six foot two, okay?

He's six foot two.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble,

but I have tall friends, okay?

It's not like the midgets get together every Sunday

under the tree stump and watch football.

So he's six foot two,

but he's been my friend for 20 years.

I'm not his dwarf buddy,

I'm not his little person pal,

I'm just Brad to him.

So I say chest bump, he's been drinkin', too,

he's like, "Yeah!

"Chest bump!"

And then he jumped.

Why the fuck did he jump?

Why?

Why did you do, it was already hard enough, okay?

I'm already staring at him like

It's not gonna go well.

You took something very difficult

and then put something more difficult at the end of it.

It's like putting a math test at the end

of a Special Olympics race or something.

Okay, if you didn't laugh at that joke, fuck you.

Fuck you.

That is a great joke,

and I'm allowed to make that joke

because I was in the Special Olympics, goddamnit, okay?

Yes! Yes!

I was!

Yes!

I ran track in the Special Olympics.

Now, if you have never seen a midget run,

holy shit, you don't know what you're missing out on.

It is unbelievable.

When a dwarf runs

the portal to heaven opens right there.

'Cause the legs are just going off in different directions

like that and it's just so cute.

But, because I was in the Youth Special Olympics,

they didn't have everyone of the same disability.

Also, if five dwarves running at the same time,

everyone would just die of a joygasm.

So...

It wasn't just little people running,

it was all these different kids

with all these different disabilities

like some sort of Make a Wish all star team.

And, yeah, in the far lane there was a kid on crutches.

Not worried about him.

I'm gonna kick his ass, okay?

No problem there.

Next to him was a kid in a wheelchair.

What the, a wheelchair?

That's a performance enhancer.

What are you doing?

Unless there's stairs on the track,

I'm losing to this guy, okay?

Then after that it was me,

then after that it was a enhh fucker, okay?

What?

That's the politically correct term.

That's what they like to be referred to as.

They like to be called enhh guys.

Okay? That's true.

And don't feel sorry for him.

Some of you are feeling sorry for him.

What, feel sorry for me!

I'm the guy that's gotta run in this event

while my dad is up in the stands.

I'm looking at him like, "Daddy, are you proud of me?"

He's like, "No, I'm not proud of you!

"You're running next to a enhh fucker.

"I'm not proud of you."

And he really wasn't proud of me

when enhh beat me, okay?

He beat me.

He cheated, thoughgh, he cheate!

His mom ran in front of him holding a marshmallow

the entire time backwards.

So back to the chest bump.

So my buddy, six foot two, chest bumps me.

You wanna know what happens

when a six foot two guy gives a four foot guy a chest bump?

Four foot guy gets a dick in the face,

that's what happens.

And you can't ignore a dick in the face.

You can't just pause over it.

You can't skip it like a fart during sex.

You can power through a fart during sex.

You can be there like, "All right, it's my,"

"Eye contact, do not inhale!"

You know what I mean?

But when that happens,

when that happens you have to acknowledge it.

So me and my friend are just staring at each other,

making eye contact.

No one knows what to say.

And then he finally looks down at me and goes,

"My bad, dog."

Fuck you, my bad!

That is not a my bad moment.

If you knock over my beer, okay,

that is a my bad moment.

If you drag your cock

across my forehead,

you owe me a God damn Hallmark card.

This is awesome.

This is cool.

I like this.

I knew, I knew that when I was shooting my next special,

I had to come back home to Southern California

where I was born and raised,

I had to do it here.

But I travel the country,

and I'll be honest with you,

one of the reasons that makes Southern California great

is also what makes it shitty

because we have amazing weather all the time.

But that makes us pussies, okay?

And we know.

We've all been there like, "My God,

"I am not going outside today.

"It is 68 degrees outside.

"Are the schools even open?"

It's dumb.

But I'm one of you, so yeah,

bad weather freaks me out.

I was in New York City not too long ago,

and they got a blizzard there.

They got a foot and a half of snow

in one day, okay?

One fuckin' day, okay?

And I'm on stage talkin' about it, like,

"There's a foot and a half of snow outside."

The audience is like, "Yeah, it's no big deal.

"It's like a foot and a half of snow."

Like, "No, it's big deal."

"It's just a foot and a half of snow."

"It's just a foot and a half of snow."

I am four feet fucking tall, all right?

That's a big deal for me!

Maybe not for you guys.

Maybe you guys walk around in a foot and a half of snow,

you trip, you fall, your knee gets wet,

you're like "God, it's winter time!"

If I trip and fall in a foot and a half of snow, I die.