Devil May Care

Syfy ORIGINAL PRESENTS

Am I dead?

both: This appears to be hell.

Could you explain?

You're being an asshole.

Impressive, right?

Been doing this so long,

I can tell

what people

are going to say.

My record is an hour.

Oh, but I won't keep you,

Somebody is waiting for you.

What does that mean?

Gloria, pick up

at the front gate.

I don't do pickups.

The fax says what it says.

What's this bullshit?

Have fun.

So Gloria...

Gloria, the demon.

The head demon.

I don't do pickups,

so let's see why I'm doing

a fucking pickup.

Name: Zachary Bean?

Everyone calls me Beans.

Eh, I've heard dumber.

Job: oh,

guess we'll be working

together, Beans.

You're Devil's new assistant.

What, the devil?

Why me?

I--I never even hurt a fly.

Devil created

the bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy assigns

the jobs.

They know what they're doing.

And cut the "never hurt a fly"

shit.

Like there's a threshold

with flies,

kill 100. you go to hell?

News flash: there isn't.

Nobody knows

why anyone is here,

and nobody fucking cares.

Ah, demon dick.

Uncle-fucking cats.

Trying to kill us all.

Okay.

This must be a bad trip.

I took too much ketamine,

I'm actually in an alley, getting molested by a homeless guy.

I really hope I'm being

molested by a homeless guy.

You're not hallucinating.

But if dangerous alleys are

your thing,

we've got the best.

Oh, shit.

Hell needs something.

Baby, enough

with the changes.

When God put me in charge,

He expected greatness.

I--I just--I don't think

we're there yet.

Violent torture was great.

Remember torture?

Never again.

That crap traumatizes

both the victim

and the perpetrator.

What about ball stomping?

Well, that is not torture

to me.

I just got

new pair of stilettos.

Real nut poppers.

Ooh.

Hey, the new guy!

Gotta go, Reggie.

The fuck did I tell you

about calling me--

Sorry, Regina.

Regina.

Why'd I say Reggie?

Gemini.

So let's see.

My new assistant's name

is Beans.

Is that Welsh?

I--I'm from New Jersey.

Says you died when a bus fell on you.

Not ran over, fell on. What is that about?

I have no idea.

Better than choking on a Tide pod, I guess.

Do I really need an assistant?

I made the bureaucracy to take

these decisions off my plate,

but still, what to do?

What to do?

Circus peanut?

Um, no.

Thank you.

But hey, Devil, if you don't

want me, that's cool.

You could, I don't know,

send me to heaven instead.

I get it.

Hell's about suffering, right?

Wrong.

I got tired of the lava look,

so we gentrified.

Now hell's

the address to impress.

I want my citizens to be happy.

All the coolest stuff

ends up in hell,

so why not enjoy it?

Oh my God.

Are those Zunes?

You know it, baby.

Now what can you do

to plus this place?

No pressure.

I don't think Gen Z

has anything we need.

I was a social media manager.

We need that!

Oh my.

Social media is exactly

what hell's been missing.

It is?

I assumed you invented it.

No, no.

Humans and free will, right?

McKinley, get in here.

This is President McKinley.

He's my left hand.

I'm sure he knows who I am.

I have no idea who you are.

Pleased to see

American schools

are still tip top.

McKinley, meet Beans,

my new assistant

and social media manager.

Wonderful.

You hear that?

We are gonna Zuckerberg

this shit.

Social media fuels depression

and influencers.

We do not need it.

I can see it now.

The app

to bring hell together

like never before.

We'll call it, Chit-Chat.

The slogan?

Show Me Your Chits.

In my expert opinion,

that slogan is terrible.

Market research.

Show me your chits!

Fuck you.

Too small a sample size.

Show me your chits.

Ah, fuck!

Uh, and the rest is history?

Not that your schools

would know.

Circus peanut?

How's the Soc-Med coming?

Okay. I think.

Hell's Internet

is self-contained,

like North Korea's,

but with more pop-up ads,

so I had to hack into Earth's

and steal

a copy of Chatroulette,

and then I built Chit-Chat

on top of that.

Hello?

Hello, welcome to Chit-Chat.

I'm--

What's this for?

Uh, well, we--

You want to see my dick?

I do not.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Let him speak.

If you don't want

to see my dick,