M*A*S*H

Here you go.

Just like Mom's, give or take a couple of nozzles.

I'm sorry it's powdered.

World War II surplus.

Just think about the guys in the next war

that are gonna have to eat this one.

Radar, your little friend and I

just had another shower together.

I think he's trying to have an affair with one of my corns.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

That's quite a spread you got here for the little buggers.

Oh, they'd do the same for me if they had the wood.

They all got their own little dog tags.

That, uh, P for Protestant?

Possum, sir.

I put 'em according to family.

I see.

I told you not to do that.

He's a colonel.

Gee.

You make a great lower‐lip sandwich.

Really?

I'm engaged to a pilot.

So am I. I just hope it's not the same one.

Anybody in here?

Ohh.

Wait.

Later, Doctor.

My tent, around seven‐ish?

I'll be the one with the khaki rose in my teeth.

Now what can I do for you, Radar?

And please remember,

I'm running out of anti‐puberty pills.

Uh, you're supposed to sign these release papers

for these patients' releasal.

I don't understand a word you say,

but I'll fight to the death your right to confuse me.

Sign right here.

Hey, that's a nasty scratch.

Whoever she is, you better tell her to clip her nails

or file her teeth or both.

Well, I was kiddin' around with a dog the other day,

and it bit me.

Didn't mean to, though.

What dog? When?

Couple days ago.

Just a mutt. I give it stuff from the kitchen,

although I don't like bein' cruel to animals.

Where's this dog now?

Comes and goes.

Radar, dysentery and rabies are the two biggest numbers

on the Korean Hit Parade.

Get me that dog.

"Corporal Travis, Richard. To Tokyo.

Typical psycho case, shell shock."

Frank, that's straight out of World War I.

Nobody thinks "shell shock" anymore.

Oh, what's the diff?

Too much action gets 'em in the old brain box.

Makes even the best soldier gaga.

Frank, I defy you to show me a medical book

that lists the word "gaga."

New shipment?

Yeah. They were stampeded by a herd of tanks.

One kid's paralyzed, but no apparent injury.

Which is why I'm sending him to Tokyo.

Frank, it's no skin off your nose

if we observe him for a few hours.

We haven't facilities

for every slug‐nutty that comes through here.

Slug‐nutty?

Wait a second. Wait a minute.

Look, Frank, we can settle this diplomatically.

Shake hands, go to your corner,

and when the bell rings,

Trapper will come over and beat your brains out.

Slug‐nutty.

‐Here? ‐Right here, yeah.

How do you feel, fella?

I don't, sir.

What happened?

Can you talk about it?

I don't know.

What's the last thing you remember?

Uh...

the tanks, I guess.

And I blacked out.

And the next thing I know, I couldn't move.

Sounds like one of those cases

Sid Freeman's been working on.

All right, you can park him. He's staying.

Yes, sir.

I'm in charge, and I say he's not staying!

He's not wounded!

And probably just another litter salesman,

trying to suck us in with a free demonstration.

He goes to Tokyo, and that's an order!

Cancel the order. We'll take the patient.

I outrank them, corpsman. I can have you punished.

We can do better than that.

We'll stitch your helmet to your head.

This way.

You two are gonna pay for this.

Not on our salary.

We'd like to apologize for Major Ferret Face.

He used to be a driver for Hitler till the bomb went off.

Been losing screws and clickin' his heels ever since.

Sidney?

Hawkeye Pierce.

Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?

Good.

Listen, we got a kid up here who's paralyzed,

but he's sustained no wounds at all.

Combat exhaustion, I figured.

Listen, I'd love for you to come up here

and try your new therapy on him.

Well, I've been trying to do it in my own crude way, but‐‐

Look, I know you're busy. I'm busy too. We're all busy.

The war's making us all millionaires.

I can't do it. I'm not a psychiatrist.

I'm not screwed up enough.

Okay, I'll try.

I'll try.

What did Sidney say?

He said I should go ahead and do it.

I'll be wonderful.

Watch this kind of wonderful.

Captain Pierce, I want a word with you.

Fine. You wanna act it out or whisper it in my ear?

It's about Corporal Travis.

Because of your orders,

we're having to change his bed around the clock.

Well, you have my permission to move the clock.

You're disrupting my nurses' routine.

Look, Clara...

I'm not issuing a bedpan license

to anybody who can walk on his own two feet, okay?

That is the most inhumane,

degrading thing I've ever heard of.

‐How can you be so cruel? ‐Tight shorts.

Cuts off the oxygen supply to my brain.

Morning, Corporal.

You're still a U. S. soldier!

I expect you to look at me when I address you!

Lot of people here at Cockroach General

think that you can't do anything for yourself,

like‐like walk or anything.

I don't think that's true. What do you think?

I think you're wrong.

Yeah, but your legs are on my side.

What's that mean?

They're both still there,

each on the correct side.

You haven't got a scratch inside or out.

They can function.

You wanna tell me about the tanks?

What happened after the tanks came?

Look, we all have our breaking point.

Personally, mine is at 2:00, 4:00 and 6:00 every day.

It's a condition

known in medical terms as yellow belly.

I survive by keeping a standing reservation at the latrine

and screaming into my pillow every night.

Of course, that's not everybody's style.

Okay, you'll tell me when you're ready.

Meanwhile, muscles have a way of being very vindictive.

You don't take 'em out for a walk once in a while,

they try to stay home permanently.

In fact, you lie there long enough, when you go home,

you're gonna get yourself a good job as a doorstop.

Save the room service.

He's takin' the Shoe Leather Express to the mess tent.

He can't eat in there.

Who can?

I hear the specialty today is trench toast.

Doctor, the patient obviously can't walk.

Well, then he can crawl, or he can go hungry!

Whatever you prefer!

Sir, don't you think I want to move?

Well, it'll come in handy

when you get sent back to the front.

Otherwise, you're gonna be a pretty big papoose

for somebody's backpack!

Not easy, is it?

Do you know that Hitler and I

have the same answering service?

‐RADAR: Here, doggie, doggie. ‐(Henry whistling)

Poor little doggie, all alone in a foreign country, lost.

That dog is Korean, Radar. It barks in Korean.

Oh.

Ohh.

You‐you‐you wanna quit, sir?

No, no.

But if I shake hands with one more farmer,

I'll probably be elected to office.

I'm sorry, sir. It's all my fault.

It's all my fault. It wouldn't have happened

if I never let you have that zoo.

I should've seen it comin'.

First time you came in with that little field mouse