Passenger Side

Fuck you.

No, I'm not afraid that it could have been mom.

Well it couldn't have been mom because she wouldn't

let the phone ring like five million times

because she's not a dickhead, that's why.

Well okay, if the shoe fits pal, you know...okay.

Okay enough!

To what do I owe this honour?

No, no.

Uh uh.

Nope.

No, no, I'm not going to pick you up man, okay.

Sorry.

Okay bye.

Hi, Mom.

Well that's not true because I already regret it.

I'll be there in half an hour.

Me too, I can hardly wait.

Bye now.

Hey, um...

..it's a bit early for you...

..but, um...

..some bad news.

I know we were going to, you know, spend a big day together,

or whatever, but...

..something's come up so I guess you'll

just have to try to hold on,

just try to keep it together

through the ensuing heartache...

I'll-- I'll call you later,

maybe we'll get some dinner or something.

All right babe, bye.

('Punks in the Beerlight' by Silver Jews playing)

# Where's the paper bag that holds the liquor? #

# Just in case I feel the need to puke #

# If we'd known what it'd take to get here #

# Would we have chosen to? Would we have chosen to? #

# So you wanna build an altar on a summer night #

# You wanna smoke the gel off a fentanyl patch #

# Ain'tcha heard the news? #

# Adam and Eve were Jews #

# And I always loved you to the max #

# I love you to the max, I love you to the max #

# I love you to the max #

# If it gets really, really bad, if it ever gets #

# really, really bad #

# Let's not kid ourselves #

# It gets really, really bad. #

Very snappy.

You don't like the tie?

No I love the tie.

I've got a couple of job interviews.

Well I'm sure they're just formalities

because it looks to me like this cat's in the bag.

Thanks, your car is really dirty.

Yeah, I've been real busy.

I guess, but your car it's sort of

an extension of your personality...

it's like an advertisement for you that you drive...

Right, and what exactly is wrong with your car?

The transmission.

Michael: Oh my, that is so sad.

It's just leaking a little fluid.

I predict minor adjustments.

Michael: Well I once knew a guy who had

a Toyota much like yours

and the transmission started giving him problems.

$3,000 later he set that car on fire in the desert.

Different strokes for different folks.

Michael: Yeah, I don't think that works.

Sure it does.

Michael: No, no, you see Tobey,

different strokes implies difference in taste or outlooks,

not the vagaries of Japanese automotives.

Look Marion Webster, the transmission controls the gears

which regulates the rate at which the plugs spark

which sets the stroke of the pistons

so different strokes for different folks,

so to speak.

Speaking of which, how is that new book coming?

Oh fantastic, thanks for asking.

Speaking of which, when was the last time

you called mom?

Three weeks ago.

Speaking of which is that a new tape deck?

Yes that is a new tape deck. It's a very good new tape deck.

Speaking of which, where the fuck are we going?

And you play tape cassettes in it?

No, funnily enough I play LP records in there.

Just fold them up into four, slide em right in.

It's amazing.

Wow, what will they think of next?

I don't know, perhaps some sort of sliced bread.

No, see, that will never catch on.

Now voicemail, that is something that you should think about.

Oh, if it's important they call back.

When I called you back I got a busy signal.

It was like calling east Germany in 1982.

This is fun, but where the fuck are we going?

No, I think we should finish

this very important conversation.

Oh what important conversation?

This important conversation about your fear of the future.

Michael: I don't fear the future.

Tobey: Yes you do.

Michael: No I don't, I love the future.

In fact, I firmly believe

that it's going to be the next big thing.

Tobey: Do you still have that Zenith?

Michael: That's a good TV.

Tobey: It's black and white.

Michael: I happen to like black and white, Tobey.

Black and white shows you the world stripped of its makeup.

It's very pure, honest, true...

Tobey: Black and white is for cowards.

Michael: No it's not and more importantly I am not a coward.

Tobey: Come on we both know

that you've always been a bit of a coward.

Michael: No we don't... I don't know that...

Tobey: You don't have any guts...

(music playing in distance, slowly approaching)

("Hit the Ground Running" by Smog playing)

# They ride the roads as they bend #

# As they bend, to their dead end #

# I had to leave the country #

# Though there was some nice folk there #

# No, I don't know where I'm going #

Michael: So did you get the job?

Tobey: Yeah, yeah, I start first thing tomorrow morning.

Michael: Airline pilot?

Tobey: Close. It's male model.

Michael: Oh, congratulations.

Tobey: Thank you.

Michael: After all these years of dreaming.

Tobey: Things are really looking up for me.

To celebrate I'm going to buy you breakfast.

Michael: Are you kidding me?

Tobey: No.

Bright Spot or Ms Donut?

Michael: Huh, it's a real dilemma because I love them both,

but I am going to go with Ms Donut.

Tobey: That is a fantastic choice.

Tobey: Pull in right up here.

- Michael: Why? - Tobey: Come on. Just pull in.

Michael: Okay, okay, I'm pulling in. What's going on?

Tobey: We're going to wash the car.

Michael: Oh Jesus, man, we don't have time for this.

Tobey: We have all day.

Michael: No, we don't.

Tobey: Yes, we do have all day

and your car is very dirty.

My car is fine.

Cleanliness is next to godliness

and godliness is better than fine.

It's a car.

When the rapture comes do you want your dear old car

to rise up with a chaste and the pure or rot in hell

with the diseased and the filthy?

Well, it's a car so it's much too heavy to rise up.

Come on, I'll pay.

A little gift from me to you for driving me around.

Wow.

It is important to look good, put our best foot forward.

Remember it is a beautiful day.

So Tobey...

..is there something I should know about?

What do you mean?

I mean, I haven't heard from you in a while

and you know, you've got no car

and you're acting awfully peppy and you know.

We need to go somewhere

but it's not clear exactly where and I don't know...

Okay, you got me.

No, I can't-- I can't...handle this again.

I can't. I can't handle it.

You fucking selfish fuck up.

Junkie motherfucker, I can't!

I joined the church of Scientology.

Really?

How's that going?

Awesome, I'm already a level five tekron warrior.

Michael: What does that mean?

I can bend spoons with my mind.

Well, that must come in handy.

Yeah, very handy...

If you've got a bent spoon.

Tobey: Exactly.

When did all this happen?

Last month.

Michael: Uh huh, just felt the call?

No, they called me because I'm so successful and famous.

Right, right, right.

So you've mostly been spending time with

the other successful famous celebrities.

Exclusively.

In fact, you're the first common person

that I've talked to all week.

Michael: Wow, how you holding up?

Barely.