Melissa & Joey

I have a good feeling about this one. This is the month I've been impregnified.

That's not a word.

Hey, if I can make a human being inside of me, I can make up words.

And I'm telling you, all the signs are there.

My boobs are bigger, my shoes don't fit. And I've been moodier lately.

Have you noticed?

- Of course not, my darling. - Aww, smart man.

Yes, and we'll know if you are pregnant or not in 21 seconds.

Oh, I'm pregnant.

Yep, I've got the swollen feet and food cravings.

I didn't tell you this, but at 2:00 A.M. the other night,

I ate half a pound of pastrami.

Actually, it was 2:30.

I mean, I had no clue. Only seven seconds to go.

Ooh, here, let's take a picture of the moment we find out

that we are going to...

- Not have a baby. - Huh.

I thought that last blast of my little Longos was gonna do the trick.

I even gave them a pep talk and everything.

Don't picture that.

You know, when I used to get a negative result

on a pregnancy test it was "woo-hoo."

And now it's "boo-hoo."

Well, look at this way, all right, now that we know you're not pregnant,

tonight we can open up a bottle of wine, put on some music,

and try this whole thing all over again.

You know what else this means? These shoes actually don't fit.

And I wore them outside! I can't return them!

Ugh, it just gets worse and worse.

Joe! I saw my doctor today.

Well, technically I was watching Dr. Oz on my phone during a city council vote.

Anyway, the Oz-man recommended a whole new method of getting pregnant.

"Do it as much as you can."

Sold.

Don't you want to hear the science behind it?

Nope.

I mean, we're talking three, four times a day, every day.

Honey, will you stop talking? I'm on board.

That's funny, usually you won't shut up about the science we see on TV.

That's shark week! That's a whole different thing.

Hey, Ryder. Everything okay at Americorps?

Yeah, yeah, I just have to ask you something. It's about girls.

Oh, sure. They're the ones with the bumpy things on their fronts.

Yeah, no, I know.

But Juliet keeps complaining about us having problems,

but the only problem I can see is things are "too good."

Yes, girls are always complaining about things being "too good."

- What does she say is wrong? - I'm not totally sure.

See, when she talks about "the relationship," I kind of don't listen.

Well, right there is solid evidence that things are too good.

Everything's fine! I mean, it's fine.

So, obviously, listening would just be a waste of time.

Ryder, do you like kissing Juliet?

Yeah.

Do you like all of the stuff that comes after the kissing?

Oh, yeah.

Well, then I hate to break it to you, but if you want to keep doing the fun stuff,

you're going to have to listen to her.

There's gotta be an easier way.

Isn't there some kind of secret way to have a relationship

without all of the meh meh meh meh?

Girls are not video games. There are no cheat codes.

You have to play every level.

Including "listening to the girl who's talking to you."

Ryder? Ryder!

Die, you scumbags!

Are you playing a video game right now?

- What does that have to do with anything? - Ryder!

Yes, yes. If you must know, I'm killing vampire Nazis.

I can't believe you're doing that when we're talking about something important.

You sound just like Juliet.

Women don't get it. I can multi-task.

Good. Keep not listening to Juliet

and you'll be killing vampire Nazis while multi-tasking yourself.

Whoo! Oh, that's what I call the hat trick.

That's the best one yet. I gotta tell you something sweety

this is what I always dreamed that marriage would be like.

- Well, good night. - Wait wait, champ, hold on.

I want to show you something.

I made a getting pregnant schedule that says when we should have sex.

It's sort of a "to do me" list.

That's amazing, I agree to everything.

- Good night. - Okay, wait, wait, wait. So,

first thing in the morning we shower together.

And it's a very dirty shower. Get it?

That's right. Rest up my sweet baby maker.

Replenish. Replenish.

- What? What are you doing? - We're making a baby.

No, no, can I just brush my teeth first?

- So I can enjoy it? - Enjoying it will not make a baby.

No, no! It'll just take a second, honey.

Schedule, Joe, schedule.

The sex train must run on time.

There he is! Upstairs! It's stud time.

I don't know...

What do you mean? "I don't know?" We're on a schedule. Let's go, let's go!

"Let's go, let's go." That's your idea of foreplay?

I thought this was the marriage you always dreamed it would be?

It is.

You know, it's just... I mean it be nice if you...

Ask me about how my day was first.

All right, that's absolutely fair.

How was your day? Did you get any writing done in your book?

- Little bit. - Oh good, good.

And did you work things out with that client that was bothering you?

- Which one? - Oh, you know which one.

Oh, the one with the crooked nose and the arms and the legs?

Exactly.

Ha! I knew you weren't asking about anybody in particular,

you're just fake asking me questions so I'll give you sex.

What? No! I would never do that!

And just to prove it, as soon we get done upstairs

I am gonna you order you that fancy cooking thing you've had your eye on.

Oh, I see. So, you think I can be bought for a four quart double broiler

with a copper core and pasta pentola insert.

- I was hoping. - All right, just this once.

There's no way we can't be pregnant this month. I mean, we did it 47 times.

I counted 48.

Oh no, my bad, that one can't make a baby.

That was just a little thank you gift from me to you.

Thank you.

- (Timer dings) - Oh!

Damn it! All of that doing it for nothing.

I mean, you know, except for the fun.

Ryder! What are you doing here?

I missed home.

I wanted to be back home, with everything that I loved.

- Aww, that is so sweet. - Like this couch.

Did I just hear Ryder's voice? My baby!

Hey, why didn't you say hi when you got in, man?

- Why didn't you call? - Well, I wanted it to be a surprise.

Thanks for ruining it.

Ryder, don't let this go to your head,

but it's sort of nice to see you.

Come here, get in my lap like you used to.

Aunt Mel, I don't know any other way to say this, but you're hurting my junk.

Ooh, sorry!

You know I'm so glad that you came to visit us, man.

But when are you heading back to Americorps?

Yeah, funny you should ask that, cuz never. I quit.

Why you guys all looking at me?

Is there something you're not telling me?

So, then Juliet said she was dumping me, so I quit Americorps.

I mean, what's the point in helping people if there's nothing in it for me?

So, you quit over a girl?

A very, very hot girl.

Joe, he's just had his heart broken, all right? Leave my little nephew alone.

Little? Mel, he's six -foot, 13.

Aunt Mel, are you trying to burp me?

Sorry, I've got babies on the brain.

So what are you going to do with yourself now that you're home?

Well, I'm going to show Juliet that she made a huge mistake for dumping me

just because that guy had a Ducati motorcycle.

- She left you because he had a motorcycle - yeah. How superficial is that?

Ah, that's a pretty hot bike.

I'm sorry, go on.

Every day this douche rides his fancy motorcycle to his Internet start up

where he keeps finding new ways to provide fresh water to starving children.

I mean, he's all like, "look at me, I'm 23. I'm saving the world."

So, out of all of that, what you got was

she's leaving me because the guy has a motorcycle?

Yeah, like, what is up with her priorities?

Ryder, it's not about a motorcycle. It's about a person having drive.

A life path. A goal.

I do have a goal. To show Juliet what she's missing.

Yeah, I'm sure you do pal, but you know what?

I'm not hearing any plans so I'm gonna give you one.

You're going to do what your aunt Mel and I originally suggested that you do.

You're going to apply to college.

Joe, I can plan my own future, okay? I am an adult.

Is there not a single juice box in this entire house?

Listen to me, in three weeks, the next semester

at Toledo community college will begin.

All right and you're going to be majoring in this.

- Kung Pao chicken? - What? No.

Sorry, that's the wrong brochure.

I think what Joe is trying to say is that we just want you to come up with a plan

for your life. That makes you happy. Right Joe?

Nope.

What I'm saying is, unless you find an alternative plan in the next three weeks,

I'm going to be putting you into Toledo community college,

and you're going to be majoring in...

Geriatric massage.

Hey, man, old people need to be touched, too.

All right, new pregnancy strategy.

I see we're beyond saying hello.

No time, too excited.

We're going to try a new fertility method.

My friend Cheryl down in animal control swears

by it, and she's got, like, nine kids.

That's great. I don't think we need nine kids, but how do they do it?

You save up all your little guys and then you let them all loose at the same time.

Oh, I like that. All right, so we'll go every

other night so I have a little time to stockpile?

No, no, no, none of this "every other night" stuff.

No, we're waiting until my peak ovulation window, and then, ka-blooey!

My uterus won't know what hit it.

Sounds good. When's your peak ovulation window?

Okay, well, according to my new app, Stork Tracker,

- which was free by the way. - So we know it works.