Bewitched

Darrin. Hmm?

Do you really remember our first date?

Are you kidding?

I'll tell you exactly what you wore.

It was a red silk dress with buttons up the front.

It was pink, it was wool, and it zipped up the side.

Oh, pink, red, same difference.

We had dinner at The Lobster.

No, we wanted to have dinner at The Lobster,

but you forgot to make the reservation,

so we ate at the Automat. What next?

Oh, then we either went to a movie, a concert,

or took a walk along Fifth Avenue. Who cares?

Somewhere, sometime that night

I kissed you for the first time.

Yeah. You do remember.

I think I'm getting sick to my stomach.

Mother.

Samantha, my darling.

Darwin. Oh! A celebration!

It was, up until a second ago.

Darwin... Uh, Darrin!

Uh, we were just having the Tates over for dinner.

Then why an anniversary cake?

Oh, I got it for nothing from the baker.

Someone canceled a party,

so we had to come up with an anniversary to go with it, and we did.

Our first date.

Why not celebrate the sinking of the Titanic?

What I'd really like to celebrate is your departure.

Sorry you can't stay for dinner.

Thanks. I'd love to stay.

Oh, oh, Mother, you don't really want to stay for dinner.

No, but he just talked me into it.

A guest never comes empty-handed.

This is for you, darling.

Oh, thank you, Mother. What is it?

Well, it's a little something that's been cluttering up my closet for centuries.

I thought you might enjoy it.

Mother!

Mother, thank you.

That looks almost like the Mona Lisa.

And why not?

It was painted by the same artist, Leonardo da Vinci.

It can't be!

You want to bet?

Sam, I don't mean to pry, and it's probably none of my business,

but, well, is this...

You mean, you think that's... Oh, silly boy.

That's my great-aunt Cornelia. Isn't it, Mother?

Well, she wasn't a great aunt. As a matter of fact,

I thought she was rather ordinary, uh,

but she was very pretty, like Samantha.

Leo was mad about her.

Sweetheart, I know it takes getting used to,

but the family was in Italy at the time, and he rather liked us.

He liked anything in skirts, or out of them.

He was a sweet, dirty old man.

If I hadn't chaperoned Cornelia while he was painting her,

she would have ended up as a centerfold in the Galaxy Gazette.

There.

It adds a bit of class to this bourgeois establishment.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like our old painting back.

I want to keep this house bourgeois until this evening is over.

I'm not about to explain to our guests about Leonardo and Aunt Cornelia.

Sam, are you sure it's Aunt Cornelia?

Would I lie to you, Darrin?

Oops, there's the doorbell.

I didn't hear any doorbell.

Why wait till the last minute?

That's a good-looking suit.

Why don't you wear it at the office?

Endora.

Larry!

Don't you look lovely!

Well, if it isn't the glamorous, ever-popular Endora.

Oh, a simple curtsy will do.

Ah. You're out of this world.

You might say that.

Is that pot roast I smell?

Uh, smell again.

Well, that's not pot roast. What is it?

Lobster thermidor.

Mother, that wasn't necessary.

It is if I'm staying for dinner, darling.

Well, what'll you have?

The usual.

Coming right up.

Why, Samantha, how lovely.

What's that doing up there?

It's hanging on a nail, dear boy.

What a beautiful likeness, Samantha.

And such a clever idea!

It's reminiscent of the Mona Lisa.

Who did it? Mmm.

Leonardo da Vinci did it.

Mother, stop fooling around.

I meant Leonardo da Vinci did it first.

And Darrin copied it.

Darrin!

Beautifully, too, I might add.

Actually, an old friend of Darrin's did it.

A friend of yours, huh? Then how come you signed it?

I signed it?

You son of a gun, you're good.

You signed it.

Darrin, it's remarkable.

Well, I guess it is kind of remarkable, for an amateur.

Amateur? Oh!

Well, you're a master.

Behind every great man, there's a mother-in-law to spur him on.

Well, Mother, in the future,

leave the spurring to me.

Dinner's ready.

Oh, certainly, Mother.

Thank you, Sam. Did you notice

that no matter where we moved in the living room,

the eyes seemed to follow us?

It's just like the real Mona Lisa. How'd you do it?

Well, if he told you, everybody would know.

That's right. Uh, how was your, uh, golf yesterday, Larry?

Oh, not bad. On the back nine I shot a...

When did he paint it? Ages ago.

You shot a what?

A 45.

You must be very proud of your son-in-law.

Proud is hardly the word.

Forty-five isn't bad. I wish Darrin would play more golf.

Oh, how can you say that?

Why, he should spend every free moment painting.

You're a brilliant artist, Darrin.

No, not brilliant.

I'm just very good.

Um, this lobster thermidor is brilliant.

Thank you.

Oh, well, now, you can't compare the two.

I mean, any good cook can make lobster thermidor.

Out of pot roast?

Mother was just making a little joke.

So, you shot a 45.

Can't we keep just one conversation going at a time?

Darrin, why don't you paint more often?

Well, there is no explanation except plain laziness.

I'll buy that.

Samantha, you should encourage him.

Oh, I do!

I've been after him for weeks to paint the kitchen.

Well, that is not exactly what I had in mind.

Do you know what a woman would give to have a portrait like that?

Darrin, I think that's a subtle hint setting you up for something.

It is?

Like your painting her picture.

Would you, Darrin?

Oh, he couldn't possibly.

Oh, that's right.

Uh, I have to paint the kitchen first.

Darrin, take it from a man who knows.

There are times when it's easier to say yes.

He'll do the picture, sweetheart.

Uh, Larry, you don't understand. It's just not possible.

Look, Darrin. If I had your talent

and Sam asked me to do her picture, I'd do it.

And you're not even my boss.

Now just think about that.

Be sure you bring everything you need.

Now, we'll see you tomorrow, right after lunch.

Night, Sam.

Good night. Oh.

Mother!

You have done some pretty vile things to Darrin in the past,

but what you did tonight was unforgivable.

How could you be so cruel?

Are you kidding, Sam?

She majored in cruelty with the Marquis de Sade.

Not at all. He was just a classmate.

Endora, I've had it with you.

I mean, I've had it with you up to here.

If you are out to destroy Darrin's life, you have almost succeeded.

Almost doesn't count.

The Marquis de Sade was Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm

compared to you.

I have been insulted here for the last time.

You shall never see me again.

Promises! Promises!

Darrin, you have got to calm down.

Yeah, I've got to calm down. If I calm down, I can think clearly,

and if I think clearly, I'll come up with an answer.

And I've come up with an answer.

Good.

I'll kill myself.

Darrin.

All right, I won't kill myself. I'll...

What I'll do is I'll tell Larry the truth.

That painting is by Leonardo da Vinci.

I am a fraud. My wife is a witch, and my mother-in-law is a...

You wouldn't dare!

Oh, wouldn't I?

No. I wouldn't.

All right. I'm fresh out of ideas.

Well, I'm not. Anything Mother can do, I can do better.