United States of Tara

This is Tara, obviously.

It's Thursday, the 12th.

Looks like I've got about...

four minutes, or so...

So I just want to explain where I'm at right now, while I'm still lucid.

See,

I'm under a lot of pressure lately.

I've been hired by the mayor's wife to do this...

17th century rococo nursery for her unborn son.

She wants a gold diaper genie

and a giant wall fresco depicting herself as a pregnant saint.

This is what I do!

I...

I create opulent environments for women who have much money.

And I'm good at it, too.

I rule. I've...

I've no problem keepin' track of a million things for my clients, but...

unfortunately, I can't seem to micro-manage my daughter's vagina.

See this?

It's a prescription for morning-after pills.

As in...

The morning after a skanky, sweaty, teen sex.

I found this in Kate's bagpack, last night.

A part of me wants to play hip mom

and just applaude my daughter for being responsible.

And the other part of me just wants to saw her up. I mean...

Kate's always been a very affectionate kid, very huggy,

got a lot of Valentines in grade school...

Maybe I should have seen this comin'. I just...

I can't deal with this right now.

I'm sorry.

Is anybody home?

Marshall?

Stunning cleaning lady?

Mommy?

Hi, sex robot.

I miss you too.

Shit, I gotta go.

I just do.

Mom briefs.

T., who let you out!

Dude, I've been digging around in your closet for an hour

- and I can't fucking get to naughty ya. - Nice well tail.

- You wish you had all this - So, what's the deal, T.?

Why are you here, instead of mom?

Your mom is in a bad place mentally. Yeah.

- Is it my fault? - Kinda.

Remember those kill pills I had to get at the free clinic?

Your mom found the evidence and she's tweaked.

How she found out?

She went all CSI in that pubic bag that you call a bagpack.

Mom violated the monkey. That bitch.

Total bitch!

Are those my new skinny jeans?

Don't they make my ass look fine?

Fine for forty.

You know how much it blows being fifteen,

and stuck in this ancient body? Look,

I have a muffin top.

It must suck.

You suck.

Your clothes suck.

Let's go downtown. Buy a bunch of new stuff.

We don't have any money.

Well, I raided Tara's wallet, we're fully laminated, baby.

T.! This is why I love you the best out of all the alters!

Drugs, not hugs.

I love that gloss on you.

Makes you look porno.

Really?

Bring with.

You have to drive, 'cause I smoked two fatty.

Hey Marshall.

What's up, rocker?

- Mom! - No.

Mom keeps her ass crack in. Check, it's T.

I can see that now.

Jellow pudding isn't for the children.

Bitch, the vanilla ones are mine!

Hey Marshall! You wanna go downtown?

We gonna buy cheap hot clothes that makes look insecure.

I have to write a paper on George Cukor and french other films.

Pudding is good...

ding.

T., could we please go before Dad gets home and ruins our lives.

Too late, girls.

Here comes the maxi-fat now!

With a bucket of fried dough.

T. You're back.

- Fuckin' A. - "Fuckin' A."

That's more respect than I've gotten all day.

That subcontract was a real shit-head.

Oops I'm a vegetarian now, Max. I don't eat meat.

Besides, the hormones in that clock-cock can make you get a third nipple.

- Really? - It's true you guys

I've got a MySpace blowin'about it.

Dah!

Double D.

You can have my coleslaw, T.

Hey, don't cover her.

If she's gonna eat with us, she's gotta cooperate.

Remember, we talked about this.

Pussy.

Shocking.

So Dad, I got the lead in the recital tomorrow.

What happened to Darcy?

All she ate was bananas and gums for like 2 months.

So they sent her to St Marks, they put a tube in her stomach.

- That's hilarious. - I know.

It's very sad, actually.

Cougar crossin'!

Hey, Aunt Charmaine.

Charmaine, what we forget?

Tara and I were supposed to go a Pampered Chef party tonight in Shawny.

But something tells me that my sister isn't home tonight.

My god! You're so smart!

I can't believe you never finished massage school.

Who is this? I can't remember what this one is called.

That's T., like the letter, not the hot beverage.

You only met me like a million times old letter T.

Okay! You know what? I obviously walked in the middle of a family crisis, so...

I will just... check in later.

That's not a crisis. We like it when T. comes around.

Max, can I talk to you for a minute?

In private.

You better go! Give it to her, Maxi.

I hate her. Fuckin' cow.

Jesus!

Don't worry about it. I'll get Marshall to go with you.

I think he needs a new 88 carrier.

Max, it's not about that, it's about her.

I mean, it's really hard for me to see my sister like that.

I never thought she would still be this way.

- She's really not doing that bad. - Why can't she just stop?

I mean, it's not even a real disease, Max.

It's real, Charmy.

You grew up with her. You know better than anybody.

Look, nobody's trying to imply that you don't have a right to be angry, you do.

We're all angry at the crazy.

But...

I've been living with this for 17 years.

Married to it.

You just take it to Pampered Chef parties.

I know.

You're right.

I'm sorry you have to live this way, honey.

You really deserve so much better.

No, I don't. Really.

Nice boner.

I don't have one.

Sure.

You wanna paint my toenails? Gonna have a "Lolita" moment.

- You read the book? - I saw the movie.

Marshall thought I'd like it. I liked the first part, then it was like...

How long are you staying with us this time, T.?

Are you trying to get rid of me already?

God I hardly ever get to come out anymore.

You come out as much as the other alters.

That's not true!

Alice gets way more air time.

You like her better caus' she bakes.

I'm pretty sure I like you the best.

What?

I know you love me.

Doesn't feel right, sorry.

Why? This is your wife's body.

Just cause I'm not her doesn't mean we can't hook up.

We know from experience Tara wouldn't like that.

Sure she would.

Physically, she needs it.

You know, just the other day,

she bought a shade of blush called orgasm.

Okay, no offense, you gotta go to the shed now.

Not trying to hear that!

Let's go.

I hate you for not fucking me.

Wear a coat, it's chilly.

Where are you going?

Madison's house. We have a civics project due tomorrow.

It's nine o'clock. Are you kidding me?

Are you being my strict daddy now?

You're gonna take me to one of these purity bals?

One hour. No negociating.

- Where did T. Go? - She went out to the shed.

Oh, shed fit. You know she's not gonna come back.

She shouldn't been out in the first place.

I know what mom found in your purse, so I'm not real thrilled with you.

I'm sorry. I guess I should have let that fertilized egg

implant itself in my uterus.

Okay. Enough.

Do you hear yourself sometimes?

Shut it.

All right?

You know that bad surprises are a trigger for her.

Everything is a trigger lately. Why can't mom just be...

maniac-depressive like all the other moms?

You can't expect me to be the perfect child all the time

cause mom acts like a bunch of different people when she's stressed out.

She's not acting, Katie.

- Aunt Charmaine says she is. - Aunt Charmaine is a hose beast.