House of Lies

Cuba strategy for the Kohl brothers. Let me hear it.

Previously on "House of Lies"...

Communists stole our birthright.

We're gonna take back what's ours.

We are orbiting the fucking payday

to end all motherfucking paydays.

Assuming your ex-wife doesn't win the offer first.

Seven times my revenue.

When Skip buys my firm,

that's what he's gonna put in my pocket.

Maybe we take this away from Monica.

Well, fuck yeah.

Skip just called, and the Kohl brothers

-are going with Monica. -Until they sign

on that dotted line, we can still win this thing.

Take off the Coke-bottle glasses. You lost.

Monica hacked into our server.

Something you could use to your advantage,

since she doesn't know you know.

Correct.

You want to win this thing, right?

I don't know.

We're going 55,000 miles an hour

toward Cuba,

and you want to slow down.

Where's the goddamn hotel?

How close are we to the office we're going to later?

Oh, no, we're not going to an office, Jeannie.

No, the Cubans like to do business

in cafes and restaurants. Yeah.

Yeah, they're collegial people,

swashbuckling, just impossibly romantic.

How do you shut this thing off? Is it a button inside or...?

You know, as Graham Greene once said,

"In Havana, anything is possible."

Did he say it with that stupid accent, or how did he say it?

Welcome to Cuba.

Oh, the perfect jewel of newly-budding capitalism.

Like a long-dormant socialist succulent,

one that somebody forgot to water for 50 years.

But today, motherfuckers, today Marty Kaan is up in this joint,

ready to make it rain for my new best friends, the Kohl brothers,

who are gonna spend so much of their dirty, sexy money

on buying my company that I officially do not have to

give a fuck about another thing for as long as I live.

Oh, yes, we are gonna put a five-star hotel on every beach,

a world-class golf course in every farmer's field,

fuck it, a Starbucks on every corner,

because today, today, we start making this Marty Kaan's Cuba,

profit-turning Cuba.

You might as well call it "Cuba the resort,"

because by the time I'm done with this place,

it is gonna jingle and shine and spit money

like a five-dollar slot machine.

Ooh, nice.

Hey...

Don't have any bars.

Oh, fuck no.

I know. I haven't seen a single hybrid.

No, no, look in fucking front of you.

Oh, great. You know, my balls literally ascend

into my viscera when I see her.

Mine, too.

Kaan & Asycophants, huh?

Monica, Monica, Monica.

Oh, you'd be so much more handsome

without these warts and goiters.

You should really have them removed.

And let's talk about how sad it is

that you're here pursuing business

that you're never gonna get.

Ah, well, you know, we just wanted to see the place

before you raped and pillaged it.

Ta-da.

You gonna introduce us to your friend?

-No. -No.

No.

- No. - Really?

You lose, but you show up anyway.

I don't know, that seems undignified.

But I guess it's the right of the vanquished

to sift through the ashes of their ruined village.

It's good to see you, too, bud.

Wait a minute, did we miss a memo?

Because I seem to remember the Kohl brothers indicating

that this whole thing was still up for grabs.

-And that you were a pussy. -They did say that.

Also, Skip, you look like Ricky Ricardo

fucked Justin Bieber.

-Oh! -Just all over your shirt.

You look like such a tourist.

All right, all right, you know what?

Let's just play nice, everybody, okay?

-It's a bountiful country. -Sure.

-There's plenty for everyone. -All right.

Skip, I'm gonna actually, if you don't mind.

Taxi!

- Wait. - Oh.

What you got working, Marty?

Now, what makes you think I got something working, Mo?

Oh, because of your fucking tell.

You see, quiet, humble Marty--

that means he's got a shiv in his palm.

You know what? Just enjoy Cuba, baby.

And thank you for letting me know I have a tell.

Yeah, no problem.

There's plenty more where that one came from.

What? Oh, my God, what happened?

-What? -The hell is wrong with you?

-What happened? -What did you do?

-Don't you dare. -Did someone hit you

-in the face? -I know...

-What's wrong? -That's so dangerous.

You can get an infection like that.

Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't know

-you can get an infection. -Oh, yeah?

-I had no idea. I had no idea. -You can get an infection.

I've taken two Ambien, okay?

And I really need to catch my sleep window, so cut it out!

Okay. I'm sorry, for real.

I apologize.

No, I'm sorry. Maybe I overreacted, but...

I didn't know it was gonna wake you up, first of all.

-For real, I'm sorry. -Well, it did wake me up.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Ugh. I'm a child.

That's my problem; I don't fucking grow up.

Got to learn.

-No way. Twice? No. -I don't believe it.

-You know what? -What, it happened again?!

I can't be near you. I can't...

-It wasn't me that time! -Don't follow me.

For real, it wasn't me that time.

You are a child.

You're a child.

Oh.

Hello. Pardon me. Do you mind terribly

if I sit here?

Oh. Well, of course you can sit here.

Oh, thank you.

- Hey. - Hey.

Just trying to

focus on this, you know, make sure we're bulletproof

on all this Cuba stuff.

I think we're in pretty good shape.

- You do? - Yeah.

Well, if we can secure these long-term leases

in our first meeting, and then, you know, walk that into

our meeting with the Secretary of Commerce,

with all that nailed down,

then we might be all right, yeah.

Everything good?

You want to be more vague?

With you and Jeannie.

I mean, you're not sitting next to each other.

She's got her headphones on; she only does that

-when she's pissed off. -Hey, Clyde.

So, mind my own fucking business.

Copy that. You got it.

-Bueno. -Sorry. Bueno.

Bueno.

What about you though?

Hmm?

What are you gonna do with all that cheddar?

All the time on your hands?

-You mean if we win this thing? -Correct.

Guess I'd live the dream.

What does that look like?

I have no fucking idea.

- Correct. - Guys?

I'd probably build houses for people who can't afford houses.

That's probably me, right?

-No, I don't... -Guys?

-Oh, no, I'm not gonna do that. -No.

I'm definitely not gonna do that. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Guys! -What?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, memory, please do not hit "record."

I got it. Don't even worry about it.

Thank you, Ambien.

Isn't this one of those situations

where, you know, we should

say something to save him the embarrassm...

-No! -No! No, no.

I wonder if we'll have time

to see Ernest Hemingway's house.

That simpleton?

Seriously, Doug? Ernest Hemingway?

All those five-word sentences?

"Word senten..." That's a five-word sentence!

-So pretentious. -Two-word sentence.

-You cut the fat a bit. -How about you guys shut

-the fuck up and listen, okay? -Sheez.

Guy we're meeting is named Samuel Orozco.

Zobel seems to think he's a real asset, okay?

Managed to make a pretty good dent in the marketplace here.

Yeah, but a dent's not gonna do it for the Kohl brothers.

They're gonna want to eat Cuba for breakfast.

And we are going to feed it to them, all of it.