Two and a Half Men

Feel like I spent the last half hour yodeling in a cave.

I'm sorry. It wasn't you.

No, it was, it was like licking a lollipop

that never gets any smaller.

I mean, you enjoy it, but after a while

you start to crave the stick.

Did I at least make you crave the stick?

You did great. I'm just... a little distracted.

- Is everything okay? - Not really.

- We need to talk. - Oh, come on.

I got lockjaw and you wanna talk?

I-I wanna know where we're going with this relationship.

Do we have any kind of a future?

Of course, we do. I mean, th-things are good.

Th-things are great. Why rock the boat?

I mean, I know the little man inside your boat

could use some rocking.

I'm talking about making a long term commitment to each other.

You mean like marriage?

- Would that be so awful? - Ask my ex-wife.

Her statement in court read like a Stephen King novel.

W-where is this coming from all of a sudden?

It was something my gynecologist said.

- Are you alright? - I-I'm fine.

He said, "Everything looks great down here.

Would you like to have dinner sometime?"

Wow. Wow.

Uh, that is wildly inappropriate.

- I mean, a-as a doctor myself-- - You're a chiropractor.

Nonetheless, I am a healer. There's a code!

I mean, you don't, you don't ask someone out

when they're buck naked with their feet in the stirrups.

Unless you're drunk at a rodeo.

Well, he did.

Do you wanna go out with him?

It's not about going out with him.

But if you and I don't have a future

I need to examine my options.

The way you got examined by Dr. Busy Fingers?

Look, I don't wanna grow old alone.

So, if you're not ready to make this kind of commitment

better to know now.

Jeez, Lyndsey, you k-kinda sprung this on me.

I mean, I don't have to give you an answer

just this second, do I?

No, no, of course not.

- Just think about it. - Okay.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

And just for the record, he gets paid to go down there.

I do it for the love of the game.

Hey.

Oh, hey, can I borrow your car?

I need to take my bike into the shop

and it won't fit in mine.

Sure. No problem.

Thanks.

I assume it needs gas?

And oil.

And brake fluid.

And wiper blades.

So, uh, what are you reading?

I'm trying to finish "Ulysses."

Oh, that's a tough one.

How long you been reading it?

Fourteen years.

I'm on page eight.

Impressive.

I'm still on the first "Tuesday With Morrie."

He dies in the end.

Thank you.

So, listen, I-I-I wanna ask your opinion about something.

Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a commitment

'cause some other guy asked her out.

- Who asked her out? - Her gynecologist.

Well, at least he knows what he's getting into.

Cute.

But I-I-I mean, I don't want to

lose Lyndsey, but I'm just not

ready to make a commitment.

My advice is you better do something soon

or you're out and the doctor's in.

And when I say, "The doctor's in," I mean--

No, I got it, I gotit.

Alright, I got to get out of here.

Oh, here you go.

Oh, uh, the driver's side door doesn't work anymore

so either get in the passenger side

or climb in through the window.

- Got it. - Oh!

And whatever you do

when you put the key in the ignition

make sure you're holding something rubber.

You know, so you're grounded.

Does Lyndsey have a nice car?

- Yeah. - Marry her.

Alan!

Ah! Ow! Ow!

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah.

I think it just overheated.

Can I give you a ride to a gas station?

Uh, gee, I don't know.

My mom always told me never to get in a car with a stranger.

I'm Shari McMartin.

Solves that problem.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

Oh, no problem.

So your old Volvo's seen better days, huh?

Yeah, it's actually, it's not mine.

I borrowed it from a friend to get my bike fixed.

You ride a bike around town?

You must have amazing stamina.

Well, it's not the only way that I get around.

Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed about.

With the price of gas being what it is

a bicycle is very practical.

I'm-I'm not ashamed.

Trust me, there will come a day when you won't

have to worry about having enough money for gas.

Okay.

I look forward to that day.

So what's your name?

- Walden. - That's a nice name.

What are you doing in Los Angeles, Walden?

You trying to be an actor or..

...model or something?

Right now, I'm trying to finish a book.

Oh. How long have you been at it?

- Fourteen years. - Oh, a struggling writer.

- Yes. Yes, I am. - Well, you're in luck.

I happen to be a big supporter of the arts.

Oh, really? How fortuitous.

Ooh, "Fortuitous." You are a writer.

Listen, uh, what do you say we go grab a bite to eat

get the car fixed later?

Sure. There's-there's a really great deli right up here.

Well, actually, I have a better place in mind.

- Where's that? - My house.

Oh. What's on the menu there?

Oh.

Yum.

- Hi. - Hi.

What you doin'?

Nothing much.

How about we go out to a movie?

- Sure, we could do that. - Great, great.

I will check some times.

- 'Alan?' - Yeah?

Did you think about what we discussed last night?

Oh, yes, oh, yes.

Thinking about it constantly.

Anything you wanna talk about?

Not yet. Still thinkin'.

Uh, you know, uh, percolating, uh, mulling.

All the other pertinent "ings."

Ooh, ooh, uh, uh, cogitating!

Stalling, avoiding, ducking.

Ooh! Procrastinating.

What? No, no. That's, that's crazy.

I'm not, I'm not doing any of those things.

I mean, why would I do those things?

So what movie would you like to see?

I know what you're doing. This is not gonna go away.

Look, I just don't understand

why we can't keep things the way they are.

You mean, living day-to-day

never knowing what kind of future you have with the person

you've been in a relationship with the past three years?

Okay, I-I-I prefer to think of it as cherishingeach day

nay each moment with the woman I love

because none of us knows how much time we have left.

I mean, it-it-it could all disappear

in the, in the blink of an eye.

You mean like this?

Exactly.

Well, it would appear that a bicycle's not the only thing

you can ride.

I'm also good with bulls and merry-go-rounds.

Did you enjoy your lunch?

Oh, yeah.

I would definitely eat here again.

Mm. Mm.

Do you mind taking a taxi home?

Uh, sure, no problem.

I'd drive you, I just have some things to do.

Okay.

So...then we're done here?

I am.

Okay. Alrighty then.

You know, uh, we should do this again.

Oh, we will. I'll let you know when.

- Alrighty. - Oh...here.

What's this?

- It's money for a taxi. - I don't need that.

Sweetie, don't be proud. Take the money.

Okay, great.

Thank you.