Last Man Standing

- That was such a lovely sermon today. - Yeah.

It was so uplifting.

What'd you think?

You know damn well I was sleeping.

So what game are we playing?

Yeah, you could never stay awake,

and that's why you always sit behind the lady with the biggest hat.

It's your fault for feeding me pancakes before we go to church.

And the reverend's fault for being so boring.

What's that all about? That material used to work.

Well, I am sorry.

I'm sorry that Reverend Paul wasn't entertaining enough for you.

You know, maybe he should juggle while he's trying

to save your soul from the fiery pits of hell.

How is it you make the story of David/Goliath boring?

A 12-year-old kills a giant with a rock.

That's not boring!

It should make me want to go out and kill a giant.

Oh, stop.

Eve, I thought you couldn't go to church because you were running a 5K.

I could see why you would think that 'cause that's what I told you.

Wow, lying on a Sunday.

I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in frog.

Shouldn't say asses on Sunday, right? No, don't. No.

You want coffee? Yes.

Eve, when was the last time you went to church?

I mean, even Mandy goes with Kyle every Sunday to his church.

Really? Really, Mom?

Did that sound right as it came out of your mouth?

Eve. I cannot believe you.

Have you forgotten John 3:16?

"Snitches get stitches."

All right, so none of our daughters goes to church anymore.

I should've seen this coming.

I mean, none of you stuck with gymnastics, either.

What's the big deal? It's boring. Dad gets it.

Are you kidding? Boring?

12-year-old kills a giant with a rock?

I was on the edge of my pew.

Well, we're not kids anymore, so we don't need to make excuses about this.

By the way, if Kyle asks, I went to church with you guys.

I wish our daughters went to church.

So do I.

Remember when we all used to sit together...

the girls in their sweet little dresses, the... the choir, the organ music.

Mrs. Finnegan. She had that big hat.

All the fathers would fight each other to get right behind her

'cause if you sat just so, you could...

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.

You know, it's really too bad that your girls

don't want to go to church with you anymore.

Yeah.

Kids always find new ways to break your heart.

They stop going to church. They marry people you hate.

They don't share your interest in Tito Puente.

He was the king of the mambo.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a real punch to the gut right there.

I remember when Brandon said he didn't want to go to church anymore.

Carol laughed, whacked him with a Bible, threw him in the car.

There you go.

I can't force my girls to go to church.

I could knock them off that family phone plan.

But that's the only card I got left.

I'm saving that for something big.

It's tough now.

Churches have to compete with so many other forms of entertainment...

TV, movies, the Internet, and those Japanese restaurant,

you know, that toss the shrimp up in the air

and slice them before they fall right back in your mouth.

Those guys aren't all great. Yeah?

I once got a Band-Aid in my fried rice.

When I was young... churches were full. Yeah.

Because people had nothing else to do.

But right after church, we'd all run down the street with a stick and a hoop.

You should take your girls to a black church.

Now, we know how to put butts in seats.

We gave the world Aretha Franklin, Whitney Houston, and Beyoncé.

Oh, yes, yes. Good butts, too.

You know what your church needs, Mike.

Yep, clever marketing director to help liven things up.

I was gonna say Tito Puente.

I know. He was the...

king of the mambo... king of the mambo.

Look, Kyle, just be yourself.

My listeners on "Vegans and Villains"

want to hear what you have to say.

All right, how many listeners are out there?

There are millions of listeners out there.

But my podcast gets 14.

And here come the butterflies.

Okay, so I will greet them and then introduce you, check?

Check.

Watermelon.

Watermelon.

Watermelon.

Tissue. Tissue.

Mwah. Mwah.

Good to go.

Okay.

In three, two, and...

Welcome to "Vegans and Villains."

I'm your host, Ryan Vogelson, with an hour of casual talk

about my two favorite subjects...

a do-no-harm diet and do-nothing-but-harm bad guys.

My guest this week is Kyle...

Ryan, have you seen the car keys?

Pause!

Can't you see that I'm recording here?

Sorry. I forgot you were doing your little web thingy.

Boyd is late for hockey practice.

Hey, Uncle Kyle. Are you on the podcast?

Ah, yes, I am. I am the special guest today.

I've been on five times.

I've had some cancellations.

Okay, got to go. Love you. Bye.

Love you.

And we're back.

Sorry for that interruption, folks.

My wife barged in... again.

Regular listeners will know what I'm talking about.

Maybe you shouldn't say stuff about your wife on the podcast.

Eh, don't worry about it. She doesn't listen.

She says she does, but I know she doesn't.

That's what I love about Mandy.

She doesn't listen to me, and she does not mind telling me that.

Okay, but doesn't that bother you?

Is there anything she does that drives you crazy?

Oh, she has this red dress.

When she wears it, my neck starts to sweat.

I mean, drive you crazy in an annoying way.

Oh.

Well, every Sunday, she chooses to go to her parents' church over mine.

And my church has snakes.

Well, well, well.

Sounds like we have two real-life villains to discuss.

We'll pick it up there after this.

And we're back.

- Hey, honey, listen. - Yeah.

Think I have a way to get the girls interested in church again.

Shame them? Bribe them? Blackmail?

You know, instead of always guessing what I'm gonna say,

you might just let me... finish.

I just like to get something in before the monologue really gets rolling.

It's all about marketing, really. Okay.

The girls aren't buying what the church is selling.

That's where I come in. I got it.

Jesus saves Mike, and now Mike saves Jesus.

No, no, no, no, no.

See, the message isn't the problem, it's the messenger.

This is the problem.

And yet your mat says "Welcome."

Come on in. Hi, Reverend Paul.

What are you doing here?

Well, word on the street is, you want to make a contribution.

I certainly do. Awesome.

Well, we need some new choir robes.

We take cash, checks, PayPal, Apple Pay, Venmo.

What I am offering is far more valuable than cash.

I'm going to make you more interesting.

Money orders, debit cards... even scratchers... We're pretty lucky.

The sermons are really the problem.

I mean, you're losing people, and if you keep losing people,

you're literally gonna be preaching to the choir.

Look, i-it's okay, Mike. I-I really appreciate the help.

I mean, just the one part of the job

that never really clicked with me was the sermons.

Well... that and, uh... baptisms. Hmm.

Yeah.

I always felt like I was waterboarding a baby.

Well... that explains the crying in the confessions.

Listen, I do a lot of public speaking.

I could probably help you.

Do you have anything set up for this Sunday?

All right, yeah. I mean, it's just a rough draft.

So go easy on me. Perfect, perfect.

All right.

Corinthians...

Stop.

What? All I said was "Corinthians."

I fell asleep before "inthians."

You got to put some life into it.

All right.

Corinthians! No, no.

Now we're playing Yahtzee! That's not gonna work.

Sometimes to break the ice for the crowd,

as well as yourself, a little joke, a little humor.

All right. Um...

Oh, oh!

Why didn't Noah play card games on the arc?

'Cause he was standing on the deck.

Yeah, if... if... if you're looking for a joke, I-I have a good one.

Oh, good.

So, um.... well, maybe you should say,

"Does anyone know how Moses makes his coffee?"

- You got to ask, "How?" - Oh. How?

So... with one part coffee, two parts the water.

Or you could say, "He brews it."

That's good.

Like... Like "Hebrew"?