Rules of Engagement

What would you give me if I put this whole waffle in my mouth?

An uncontested divorce.

Oh, God.

What, are you, uh, getting in shape for ice-dancing season?

No. I mean, these things are sweet, man.

You get places faster, save money on cabs,

and, actually, it's good exercise.

It's fantastic.

We can't walk together, and he always smells.

You should get a pair. I could say the same about you.

I'm just saying, man, we could blade together this weekend.

We're going to Nebraska.

Or else I totally would have.

We're going to my high school reunion.

Jeff finally get a good deal on airfare?

We're leaving at 5:00 a.m., connecting through Calgary.

Hey, I offered her a nonstop,

but Queen Audrey here's too good for Greyhound.

Anyway, I couldn't make it to my 10-year reunion,

so I'm looking forward to this one.

It'll be nice to go back as an adult,

because you know high school.

I never felt like I was as good as everybody else.

Oh, of course you were.

Well, how do you know? You weren't there.

You really think you need to protect that brain?

I finally feel like I'm in a good place.

You know, living in a great city,

I have a great career, I have a-- Marriage.

Yeah, so now you get to go rub that in their faces.

Oh, no, it's not about rubbing anything in anyone's face.

I mean, I won't have to. I'm sure they've already heard.

It's just about, you know, reconnecting with old friends.

And sprinting through the Calgary Airport.

Our layover is four minutes.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

Okay, thank you.

Sir, I've just booked your massage for this afternoon.

Did you check her license?

Yes. She doesn't have one.

Well, this afternoon ain't gonna help her get one.

Now, if there's nothing else...

One more thing, Timmy. Yes, sir. Am I fired?

No, I was just checking my schedge,

and I'm free tonight.

What say you and I go out, get some steaks,

martinis, and see where the night takes us?

While I appreciate your hopefully unintentional

homoerotic invitation, I'm otherwise engaged.

Um, with what?

If you must know, I'm having a dinner party.

Mm. Sounds lame.

And, honestly, I can't make it.

I'm booked solid.

But you just said that you had no--

Nothing. Never mind.

You're not invited anyway.

Uh, just out of curiosity,

why wouldn't I be invited, hypothetically?

It's not hypothetical. You're literally not invited.

I can't believe you skated over a subway grate.

What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking.

I was on a blader's high.

Ooh, nothing douchey about that.

So, what say the three of us

go out tonight, grab some steaks,

some martinis, and see where the night takes us?

Is he hitting on us?

We're going out, just the two of us.

Why do you want to hang out with us anyway?

Shouldn't you be out trolling for skanks?

Yes, but I had a little, uh, problem

while manscaping, and, uh, I gotta close up shop

till things get back to normal down there.

Why don't you spend some time by yourself?

Doing what?

Go for a walk.

Where am I going?

I don't know.

Just go until your ankle bracelet starts beeping

and turn around.

So I just walk aimlessly around the city?

Yes.

How do I know when I'm finished?

Oh, my God.

Jen, Jen, you're-- You're wasting your time.

Russell can't be alone.

What are you talking about? I love being alone.

In fact, I'm gonna go be alone right now.

Who wants to come?

Ah.

Why do you keep doing that?

My ears still haven't popped from the flight.

Knock it off. You look crazy.

Sorry. I know you want to impress all your old classmates.

Yes, by not having a special-needs husband.

Hey, I had a special need on the flight,

but Queen Audrey's too good to reach under my blanket.

Shh! There was someone sitting between us.

Not on the Calgary-Omaha leg.

Oh, there's Cheryl. She was one of my best friends.

We were cheerleaders together.

What'd she cheer for? More ribs?

Be nice.

These are good people.

Cheryl.

How are you?

Audrey. Hi.

Good to see you.

Oh, great to see you. It's been so long.

Yeah. It is something.

Would you excuse me? I need to make more name tags.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

Well, we'll catch up later.

That was a reunion of best friends?

Pretty weak.

Oh, yeah.

At your reunion, your old friend Rube

greeted you by implying that he continues a sexual relationship

with your mother.

My mom could do a lot worse than that crazy bastard.

Look, I'm just saying,

Cheryl was probably a little intimidated by me

because I made it out of here and moved to the big city.

Now, I bet we'll see a lot of that tonight,

so let's try to be a little sensitive to it.

You got it. If...

Gonna ask for something on the flight home?

You got it.

Matt.

Audrey?

Hi.

Wow. Oh.

You look great. Oh, thanks.

This is my wife, Lori. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

This is my husband, Jeff.

Hi. How are you?

Audrey and I were on debate team, and she was good.

No matter how logical your argument,

she could always argue the opposite.

You don't say.

So, what have you been up to?

I heard you guys live in New York.

Oh, yeah, but, you know, no big deal.

Oh, I love New York. I wish we could get there more.

Oh, hey, there's nothing wrong with right here.

It kills me to know our apartment's sitting there empty.

Sitting where empty?

Oh, New York.

You have an apartment in New York?

Well, it's just a little three-bedroom

on Central Park South.

Holy crap.

We can't even afford to walk on Central Park South.

He's kidding.

We can walk there.

And could you imagine having a third bedroom?

Uh, well, we-- We do have that alcove/den area.

And an inflatable mattress. So it's really like having

a third bedroom. No, we popped that mattress.

The time we threw down on it.

The neighbor downstairs--

Uh, he got nervous that a gun went off.

Anyway, wow, it's great seeing you.

Well, they seem nice.

What are you doing?

We can't walk on Central Park South?

I was just making conversation.

A conversation that implies we're squatting on skid row

with a popped air mattress!

Wait a minute.

First, you don't want to rub it in anybody's face,

and now you do? I don't want to brag about it,

but it's all right to let people know

how well things turned out.

But not by saying it directly. Just do that.

Okay.

Audrey Curtis.

Heather.

Oh, good to see you.

It's actually Audrey Bingham now.

This is my husband, Jeff.

What's up?

I love your suit.

Oh, thanks, I got it at a fancy store,

but on sale, so it's like getting it from a regular store.

So we're normal.

Talk to Audrey now.

Hey.

What a delightful surprise, sir.

Timmy, I hope I'm not intruding.

Oh, not at all. And to what do we owe the pleasure?

Oh, I was just out walking around, you know, by myself,

as people do, and, uh, well,

it's a good thing I showed up.

Got room for one more at the least supper?

Actually, sir...

This is Sarah. Ah, Russell.