Two and a Half Men

* Men.

All righty. Here we go.

$38.41 for school pictures.

Thanks.

You forgot to sign it.

No. Did I?

Oh! Silly me.

Um. Alan... Jerome... Harper...

D.C.

District of Columbia?

Doctor of Chiropractic.

You know, not everyone can use those letters after his name.

Congratulations. Give me the check.

You put the wrong date.

Oh. Did I?

Yeah, see? It's for next month?

Oh! Uh, don't worry about that,

that's just for bookkeeping purposes.

This isn't going to be like the check you gave me

for the field trip to Catalina, is it?

Hey, hey, that was the bank's mistake.

Yeah? Well, the teacher made me stay on the boat

while everyone else went swimming with dolphins.

Dolphins carry disease, Jake.

Alan Harper, D.I.C.

You're welcome!

You're cheap.

I'm not cheap, I'm broke!

There's a difference.

He was cheap long before he was broke.

If you knew what I'd done on that table recently,

you wouldn't put your face on it.

I don't get it, Charlie.

I'm a good guy, I try to do the right thing,

and I have nothing to show for it.

Are you still grinding on the fact that you

finally met a great gal,

moved in with her,

had a house you could call your own,

then burned it down along with all your possessions

and watched her run off with her ex-husband?

Was it really necessary to list the entire fiasco?

I enjoy the occasional recap.

But look at the bright side.

What bright side?

I just got a big residual check,

and I'm heading to Vegas!

Oh, my God!

Do you have any idea how long it would take me

to earn that kind of money?

Oh, don't think like that.

You're never going to earn that kind of money.

Seriously-- table.

: Oh...!

Okay, I know I give you a hard time,

but it makes me feel horrible watching you go through this.

You know what I'm going to do?

What?

Stop watching you.

I'm starting to feel better already.

Table!

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Okay, I'm out of here.

Bye.

Oh, Zippy.

I can't stand seeing you like this.

You going to Vegas, too?

I wish.

You know, I've been where you are.

What'd you do on the table?

No... I've been down and out.

I've lost everything,

didn't know where my next meal was coming from.

Really?

Felt like I was all alone in the world.

No friends.

Nobody who gave a damn whether I lived or died.

What'd you do?

Well, first thing I did was pick myself up,

dust myself off, and rat out my ex-boyfriend to the Feds.

You're kidding.

Got a $2,500 reward from

the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.

Took that, and invested it in a pallet of

counterfeit Jordache jeans,

set up a booth at the Rose Bowl swap meet.

Made a killing.

Really?

Took those profits and opened up

a little donut shop, across the street

from a police station...

Can't miss, right?

Turns out, cops don't like paying for donuts.

Lost my ass.

Had to go to work cleaning toilets for strangers.

What's the point of this story?

I just wanted you to know I've had a colorful past.

Good night.

It was a hell of a story.

* Men.

Jake, I'm going to take a nap.

Ow.

Oh...

Egyptian cotton.

Might as well take a nap in style for a change.

Oh, yeah.

No wonder he can have so much sex.

The mattress does half the work.

Oh, hello.

New TV.

Hmm, remote.

Remote, where is the remote?

Poor Charlie.

Went to Vegas and forgot his hooker money.

Oh, here we go.

What the hell?

You sick bastard.

Oh...

This would be terrific with a woman.

Ugh.

My ass cannot be that big.

Ugh...

Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?

Unfortunately, you are.

Hey, buddy.

Uh, what are you doing up here?

You're on the TV downstairs.

Yes, well, there's a very good explanation for that.

I'm listening.

It never happened.

Understood. Daddy.

* Men.

Yeah, hi, this is Charlie Harper in the garden suite.

I'm going to need a couple more pillows and some ice.

Thank you.

Okay, this is nice...

quiet... private...

Come on in.

Mr. Harper?

Call me Charlie.

All right, Charlie.

Call me Kendra.

Can I call you Nurse Kendra?

If you like.

Ooh, I like.

I gotta tell you, Nurse Kendra, I'm a little nervous.

I've never done anything like this before.

Oh! A newbie. Well, don't worry.

You're in good hands.

Is it going to hurt?

Maybe a little soreness afterwards... some bruising...

Well, I guess that's what I'm paying for, right?

Hello, Mr. Harper!

Welcome to the Schenkman Clinic.

We have you down for an eye lift and a neck tuck in the morning.

That's correct.

Is there anything else you'd like done

while you're out?

Little lipo? Nose job?

Penis enlargement?

No, no. No, thanks.

And for the record,

I got a penis enlargement when you walked in the room.

Thank you.

You have any questions? Concerns?

I don't think so, I just want to make sure I look natural,

like I haven't had any work done.

No. Don't you worry.

My work is undetectable.

In fact, you might be surprised to learn that Kendra here

is a 62-year-old black man.

I'm kidding.

But those boobs? Those are Schenkman's.

I'm not sure I want my eyes to pop out like that.

You're going to look great. See you in the morning.

Thank you, Doc.

Anything else you need?

I think I'm okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

There is one thing.

No, you can't see them.

Then I'm good.

* Men.

Jake! Your mom's here!

Hey.

Well, I guess it was probably inevitable.

What? Oh!

Oh, the clothes.

Well, as you know, most of mine burned up in the fire,

and Charlie's in Vegas, so I figured, why not?

Because you look like an idiot.

Hey, Mom.

Hi. Bye, buddy.

Get help.

Wish I could afford it!

Oh, man.

My life is pathetic.