The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Glad you're home.

I was worried you'd marched over a cliff or something.

Your dad went back to the office. He dropped your sister

at a friend's house to do homework. If

that band director wants to do all those fancy precision drills

that go on for hours, he should just move to North Korea.

Seriously, that man is a nut.

Mom, no, he's not.

I dont know. It just seems like a lot of hours

to be spending marching around with a French horn going nowhere.

Nowhere? We could end up at state championships.

State championships?

I made pot roast. Your favorite.

You know, I could call up that Kim Jong Il wannabe and complain if you want.

By the time you get home, you barely have time

to eat and do your homework, let alone have any fun.

You're only young once.

You should be having a little fun.

- Who? - Who?

Mark Molina.

The new counselor?

The new single delicious counselor.

That's it?

You've got something more exciting than Mark Molina?

I had sex.

- No, you didn't. - With who?

- You couldn't have. - How was it?

- Impossible. - Back to who.

So, when are you gonna quit teasing me, Adrian?

I'm hurtin'here.

The past two nights have almost killed me.

I can't take the stop and go, especially the stop.

- that's too bad. - No kidding.

It's not good for a guy. It's unhealthy.

Dangerous, even.

I heard of a guy who had to go to the hospital for that.

Permanently damaged him. He's, like, sterile or somethin'now.

Well, I told you, I don't do it on the first date.

Or the second.

We've been out on more than a couple of dates.

Just dropping by my house when my mother's not home is not a date.

Well, I'll take you somewhere.

Tonight's the third date.

Fine, then.

Tonight.

What time tonight?

Any time you like.

Hi!

Hi, Grace.

That's a really nice name. Grace.

Thank you.

Can we help you with something?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have interrupted. I just,

I saw you and thought maybe you were going to the game together.

I wanted to invite you both to our church for a post-game celebration.

With the gym being repaired there's nothing at school,

so we thought we'd try to invite everyone to our church.

We have a gym in the Youth Fellowship Hall.

There won't be a sermon, I promise.

Just music, dancing, and we always have really good food,

and it's free. To everyone.

We'd love to.

But, we can't.

See, my mom's out of town, so we're going over to my house

to drink beer and have sex.

She's so funny, isn't she?

- Funny? - Well, I'm sure she didn't mean that.

She was just trying to shock me, and it worked.

Really, could you come?

You and Adrian could bring anyone you want, as many people as you want.

- Everyone's welcome. - Will you be there, Grace?

Hey, Joe, aren't you kind of an expert on Leonardo da Vinci?

I'm an expert on a lot of things.

I hear the first report up in history is on the...

Yeah, da Vinci's war machines.

Sorry, but you're too late.

I'm already under contract to the football team.

So? You can still help me out, buddy.

No, I can't. It's exclusive this year.

New counselor?

Yeah. Mr. Molina.

Mister? Well, what's your first name?

My first name?

Well, you don't think anyone around here is gonna call you Mr. Molina, do you?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

- Well, good luck with that. - Thanks.

Are, condoms still available through your office?

No.

Yes, they are.

I hate that guy.

I hate him. Look at him. Now he's hitting on her.

Why are you so obsessed with Grace Bowman?

OK, why are you so obsessed with Grace Bowman?

Because she's Grace Bowman. She's a goddess.

She's not a goddess. She's a Christian.

You are not a Christian.

I would become a Christian if I could have Grace Bowman.

If by "have," you mean

have sex with, that would be impossible. She doesn't have sex.

She's not gonna have sex until she's married. Especially with you.

Or you. Even if you became a Christian.

Why wouldn't she have sex with me even if I became a Christian?

'Cause you're you, and she's Grace Bowman.

She's a goddess.

What are my chances with someone who's not gonna wait until they get married?

25% percent of guys your age are having sex.

Guys?

- He's a guy, isn't he? - He's not looking for a guy.

What do you know about 15-year-old...

gals?

20%, and I appreciate your obvious avoidance of the word "girls."

That's encouraging.

Maybe. Not.

29% percent of sexually active 15- to 17-year-old girls

have partners three to five years older.

All right, well, I've gotta start somewhere.

Where do you think I should start?

Maybe there.

She's kinda cute. Who is that?

Her name is Amy. She plays French horn. She's in the band.

She's smart, she's nice. She might be desperate enough to go out with you.

No one's that desperate. You wanna bet?

- Why does it have to be a bet? - Why not?

'Cause, one, you always lose, and, two, it objectifies Amy,

who's a person, not a horse.

Three, because winning is an obsession with Ben, and he will stop at nothing.

It's a bet.

You have to give us something more than one night at band camp.

- It was nothing. - OK, by "nothing," you mean what?

It was... not that great.

And by "not that great," you mean...?

I'm not even sure it was sex, OK, guys?

Why not?

I didn't exactly realize what was happening

until after two seconds, and then it was over.

It wasn't fun and definitely not like what you see in the movies.

You know, all romantic and stuff?

Maybe it wasn't sex.

Maybe you just had, like, a really bad dream,

and you just think you had sex?

Yeah. Or maybe it was just a really bad guy

that she had really bad sex with. Come on, who was it?

He doesn't go to this school. It was just some guy at band camp.

I just. I can't believe you didn't tell us.

Telling you now.

Yeah, well, whyareyou telling us now?

No.

Amy, you're not.

That's the second bell. I have to go.

- We can't just go to class now. - Well, I have to.

I have to, too. I'm in enough trouble as it is without skipping class.

I have to go.

- Hi. I was watching you... - Hi.

I'm happy you're so interested in the Youth Fellowship programs,

but I'm afraid you've made me late for class.

So you owe me. I'm expecting to see you and Adrian

both there tomorrow night with all of your friends.

Hi, I'm Grace.

Hi.

Hi. I was just wondering if you were going to the game.

We're having a party at our church after,

and I would love if you could come.

Hey, you.

It's... Amy, right?

I'm just messin'with you, kid.

You don't think I could ever forget the night we spent together

at band camp, do ya?

Get out! I'm gonna puke.

Come on, let's get out of here.

I think I broke the school record for the mile.

I ran all the way to the grocery store and back in 15 minutes,

and that is counting the weird,

awkward stare I got from the old lady that rung all that stuff up.

Why are you two taking a test?

They're for you.

I hope you drank enough water. Don't use it all on the first one.

We wanna make absolutely sure.

I think the only way to be absolutely sure is if you go see a doctor.

I don't have that kind of doctor. All I have is a pediatrician.

Do you guys mind?

Here you go.

Thank you.

Welcome.

- Here you go. - Thanks, hon.

What's that ring? I never noticed you had a ring like that.

It's a promise ring. My parents gave it to me when I promised

them I wouldn't have sex until I get married.

I know what a promise ring is. I... I just didn't know you had one.

Last night.

My parents and I had a long talk about you and me.

But I thought your parents were happy we were dating.

I thought they trusted me.

I'm a Christian.

I'm just as committed to abstinence as you are.

Besides, sexual purity in or out of marriage isn't a one-time vow, Grace.

It's a daily recommitment to God and his plan for us.

I know that and my parents know that.

And they're happy we're dating and I'm happy we're dating, because

you are a Christian, and we do share a commitment to our faith.

That's why I had no problem making a promise to them.