Key & Peele

Sue!

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

How are you doing, girl?

Oh, you know, I was on my way home and was in the area.

I just wanted to come say "Hello."

That's it. That is all.

Have a nice night.

Sue, where you going, girl?

You can't leave without coming inside.

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to be an intrusion.

I just wanted to say "Hello."

- Good-bye. - Okay, now, Sue.

There is a seat in this house

with your name on it, girl.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't.

I didn't have money for the bus.

I'm a mess from the 50-mile walk.

Now, why must you be so difficult, girl?

You're right.

I am being difficult, aren't I?

Your life is better without me coming in,

trust me, so there I go.

Okay, girl, listen, everything is irie , man.

We're good friends, all right?

Yes, of course.

And you know you can smell it, girl.

- You know you smell it, girl. - What's that smell?

You know you're smelling the fried dumplings,

the ackee, and the saltfish, girl.

- Oh. - Now, what's come over you?

I should have called. I should have called.

That's it, Sue!

I'm formally inviting you into my home.

Now come inside.

I love seeing horror movies

in black neighborhoods the best.

- That's the best. - Obviously, everybody.

But it's really because it's a more interactive experience.

Right, right.

And you get to laugh at

the motherfuckers in the movie...

Right, right, right, it's good because...

doing stupid shit.

They be alleviating some tension for you.

"Fuck the kid. He a demon," you know?

"Leave the kid."

That's the best when they just,

like, brutally practical.

- "Leave that kid." - yeah.

"Stab that baby."

- Stupid. - That's a waste of money, dog.

Stupid.

See, I don't even understand

how that's even in the horror genre, dog.

Right?

I mean, that's the least scared I ever been, man.

It's like a romantic comedy.

It's like a lullaby, dog.

- Yeah, for reals though. - Pssh.

Oh, oh, where you parked at?

Oh, what now?

Where you parked at, dog?

Yeah, I'm over that way, boy.

Oh, you all the way down there?

- Yeah. - Well, I'm this way, dog.

Oh, all right. All right, dog.

All right. All right.

- You know what? - What's that, dog?

I'll walk you to your car, dog.

- Word, word, word, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then I'll drive you back to your car, dog.

- Dumbass movie, man. - Nah.

A demon can possess any inanimate object?

That's too general to be scary.

Yo, man, it's like, how you gonna have a demon

posting up in a trash can?

I mean, you know, it's dumb.

- It don't make no sense. - It's stupid.

- It don't make no sense. - You know what I'm saying?

It's stupid. It's stupid.

It's unrealistic is what it is.

It's like, I ain't gonna be scared of no trash can.

And what was that other thing they had with the,

uh, the demon puddle?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was the most stupid part right there.

A demon could pull you into hell if you step in a puddle.

Like, we some morons?

I mean, how you gonna scare

a couple adults with a puddle?

- Stupid. - Stupid.

- Stupid. - Stupid.

And the demon got them hellhounds roaming around

everywhere, bringing humans to the demon alive

to be sacrificed.

Come on, man.

That's just stupid!

- Stupid. - Yeah.

You know, it's like-- it's lazy storytelling...

- Yes, yes. - Is what it is.

It's a lot of things, but scary is not one of them.

And what was with all them

creepy kids and the whispering and whatnot?

- Oh, please. - I mean, come on, dog.

- Please, dude. - What are we talking about?

You just identified, like, the stupidest part of the movie.

Them kids-- Them kids was talking about,

"I will steal your soul.

I will suck your essence."

Okay, yeah, that's stupid right there.

You can stop right now, man, if you just wanted to--

- Please stop! - Yeah.

- 'Cause it's stupid. - It was stupid.

- It was stupid as hell. - It was stupid.

- It was just stupid. What? - This your car?

- This me, dog. - Yeah.

Yeah, I hope there's not one of them demons

possessing your car.

I'm just stepping right now, for real.

That's stupid. You being real stupid.

I'm being stupid.

That was the stupidest part

of the movie right there, dog.

I'm the one being stupid up in here.

That was pretty stupid.

That was the stupidest part right there, man.

That part was--that movie was stupid as hell, man.

Stupid.

Stupid.

That was the not-scariest part

of the movie.

Oh, my God. It was stupid.

Like a demon could possess--

- I mean, it's so stupid. - That was so stupid.

It was pretty stupid, though, dog.

Oh, my God, that was stupid.

It was pretty stupid.

You know what, man?

I'm-- Shit, I'm sorry, dog,

that you had to watch that dumb-ass not-scary movie.

You know what I mean?

Man, you know, that's how it go.

That's how it go.

Give yourself up, Carlo.

Why would I do that,

detective, when I have the upper hand?

Give yourself up, Carlo.

I'm right here, detective.

Damn it.

Or am I over here, detective?

Or here?

Oh, you sick son of a bitch,

where the hell are you?

Huh?

Huh?

You son of a bitch, come out!

Does my ass look big in this jumpsuit?

Damn it.

Enough of the games, Carlo.

The games are just beginning, detective.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

Who's the fairest--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't move.

You are under arrest for the murder of Mary Deely,

Meg Foster,

and one detective Mason Jimenez.

Now, where's the girl?

Oh, detective,

you assume it's the real me

standing in front of you,

but maybe that's just what

I want you to thin-k.

When in reality,

the re-al me

is safe in a hiding spah-ah-- ah-ah.

Okay, that's the real you, all right.

Or maybe I'm over here.

No, no, you're not over there.

Carlo, I'm only gonna ask you one more time.

Where is the girl?

Go ahead and shoot, detective.

I mean, what do I care if you get seven years bad luck--

You know, it's not safe to keep a gun cocked like that,

even if you are just pointing it at a mirror.

Turn around and put your hands on your head.

Now, for that, you really are going to have

to find the real me.

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

Pshht!

What?

Why would you shoot a mirror?

Carlo, it's you.

I'm holding your lapel.

Now, you're done. It's over.

You're gonna cut your hand on that broken mirror.

Where is she?

Just say it, dude.