Impastor

Previously, on Impastor...

What do we really know about this guy?

I think it's marijuana.

You don't sound like any preacher I've ever met.

Dude on dude action... it's the best.

You tell everyone you're a pastor.

I know what you really are.

Five to one it's Buddy Dobbs.

Hard to tell without a face.

I couldn't get over

how much had changed.

Last week, I was a godless lowlife on the run,

and now I was the moral leader of an entire community.

One thing that hadn't changed...

I still had needs.

Just so you know, this isn't part of last night.

It's gonna run you another hundred.

Do I get a discount for your snoring?

I have sleep apnea.

So you want it or not?

Yes.

Ohh...

ah... ahh!

Ah... ooh...

Ooh, that sounds bad.

Buddy, are you o...

Oh! Oh, Lordy Lord. Oh, God!

God damn it!

Was that your wife?

No. I'm gay.

This was bad, real bad.

If Dora knew I was lying about being gay...

Come on!

It wouldn't be long before she found out

what else I was lying about...

which was everything.

Dora?

Hi! I'm so sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

It's just when I got here this morning,

I heard this horrible moaning,

and so I-I...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Listen, about what you saw...

Don't you worry.

Your secret is safe with me.

What... what secret?

Well, that you're having sex.

And I won't even ask who the mystery man is.

Thank you!

Because he and I wanna keep this private,

- you understand? - Oh, of course.

Of course. Is it Steve the Mailman?

'Cause I've just always had my feelings about him.

What can I say?

I never could resist a man in uniform.

I couldn't believe that Dora thought my hooker was a mailman.

Ha.

Ladner was the hottest craps table I'd ever been at.

- I just kept rolling 7s. -

Hello, uh, uh...

- Oh. - Yeah, no,

I was just out on my morning power walk.

I thought I'd stop by to wish you good luck tomorrow, huh?

Uh... tomorrow?

Sunday. Your first service.

Oh!

Right, yeah, of course.

- Hey, Thanks, Alden. - Yes, I trust

that you will give us a service

that will uphold the dignified standards

of your predecessor.

You don't have any of those services on video, do you?

'Cause I'd kinda like to see how it's done.

I mean... how it used to be done.

Uh... uh... no, I don't.

Well, then...

off to walk the second 1/2 mile

to the energizing beats of Mr. Neil Diamond.

It was panic time.

I could BS my way through a lot of things,

but a church service wasn't one of them.

How's everybody doing?

So, Jesus...

am I right?

That's probably not gonna be enough.

Hey! Prepping for your big debut?

Just... checking out the sight lines and exits.

Um, I wanted to ask you something.

Are you allergic to any foods?

Because your welcome party is a potluck,

and we don't wanna kill you.

Green peppers make me fart, but other than that, I'm good.

Um, here is the program for Sunday's services,

if you wanna take a look.

Looks like it's got the whole thing laid out for me

word for word.

Yes. Reverend Willis used to call it "pray by numbers."

When he wasn't criticizing my margins.

- So it's all here. - All there.

Yeah, baby, another 7!

Uh, pastor... Buddy. Sorry.

I was wondering if you had given any more thought

to the personal matter that we emailed about

prior to your arrival?

Uh... right. The email.

You had a very clever subject line for that email.

What was it again?

"Personal matter"?

That's the one!

Yeah. I-it tells you all you need to know.

So what do you think? Will you do it?

It's just... it would mean so much to me.

Yeah, sure.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

For whatever the hell I just agreed to.

Whoa. Is that the Bouquet of Enchantment?

Good eye! They're for Buddy,

to wish him luck on his first service.

Okay. Let's get one thing straight.

He is not.

I'm not so sure about that.

I have a pretty strong gaydar.

Then maybe you want to get your antenna checked.

The other night he called me very sexy.

Buddy called you sexy.

- Very sexy. - Okay.

In what context?

In the context of me being very sexy.

Oh, yeah? And then what happened?

- I... - That's what I thought.

You got talk. I prefer action.

Very sexy!

Good to see ya.

You are rockin' that hat.

Congregation has waited a long time for this day, Pastor.

All eyes are on you.

And my eyes will be on this program,

which I will be reading from

to all of you.

Inspiring words.

Hi, Pastor, I'm Steve, your mailman.

It's great to meet you.

Uh... you too.

"Great to meet you."

Well played, Steve.

'Scuse me, hey, can I steal you for just two seconds?

Okay, Buddy...

meet...

Scrunchie.

- What the f... - Oh, you know.

He's sick. I told you.

He can't keep any of his seed down.

He has lost almost 4 ounces.

That's why I'm so grateful to you

for blessing him in your service today.

As per our emails.

Yeah!

Hey, Scrunchie, I'll see you upstairs.

- Ow! God damn it! - Oh, I'm so sorry!

"Prelude.

Let us pray."

Blessed be the Holy Trinity.

Make us know the shortness of our life

that we may gain wisdom of heart.

Thank you, Alexa,

for that inspiring reading of psalm

90 colon one dash twelve.

Next up, the homily.

Who's gonna read that?

Uh, it's time for your sermon, Pastor.

It was bound to happen. Roll the dice enough times,

sooner or later, it comes up snake eyes.

It was all going up in smoke.

I had to say something... anything, and quick.

Oh, right.

We have a...

a sick member of our congregation here today.

Dora's bird Scrunchie.

Thank you!

He needs some healing.

And suddenly, I flash back

to this crazy-ass preacher I used to watch

on late night TV when I was stoned:

Reverend Keeler, Nashville's Healer.

But first...

we must understand

why Scrunchie is sick.

Because he believes he's sick.

Oh, yes, brothers and sisters, it is true.

And a lot of you are sick too.

- But the sickness... -

The sickness is not of the body.

It is of the mind!