American Horror Story

We started with such high hopes.

With all the previous owners being dead,

the hotel was under new management-- ours.

We were determined to remake the Cortez

in our own image.

This would be no mere hotel.

We had ambitions to be a family to the friendless,

a comfort to those in the cold,

a beehive of acceptance.

It was supposed to be the perfect ending.

Oh, hello. Hello.

Welcome to the Cortez.

Please, sign our guest book.

Sure.

May I offer the two of you a glass of champagne?

Ooh. Don't mind if I do.

Ah.

: I think those are the reviewers

from that Internet site, Trip Adventurers.

They must've heard about our grand reopening.

I know.

Can't you see the ridiculously gracious smile

plastered on my face?

What is that pungent odor?

Sage. To cleanse the spirit.

I'll show you to your room.

To polish the jewel that is the Cortez,

it required not only money-- which we got from liquidating

the Countess's numerous pieces of art--

it was going to take four stars on the Internet.

And so, we were off.

We haven't finished with every floor, but this is one of

our newly refreshed rooms.

Egyptian cotton.

400 thread count.

Minibar?

Mixers are on the house.

If there's anything else you need,

just pick up the phone.

Thank you.

Enjoy your stay.

And you were ready to give it a pass.

Kill me.

Are you kidding?

That's a Toto Neorest 700H, baby.

The Japanese self-cleaning wonder toilet.

: Oh.

I have always wanted to try one of these.

Doesn't it just make you want to take a dump?

Who the hell are you?

How did you get in here?

I got to say, it's a nice room.

They spent every penny they had to change everything they could.

They took out the mattresses,

especially the ones I split open.

Took out the carpets,

soaked through with so many years

of piss and blood.

They even changed the furniture.

But you know what they couldn't take out?

The pain.

'Cause I'm still here.

All right, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Now. Hey.

Oh! God!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Call the police!

Some crazy bitch just killed my partner!

Please... ah!

Oh, my God. Oh!

Oh, God.

Please, you got to help me!

No, no. You have to help me.

I'm new at this murder game,

and, Jesus Christ, is it a thrill.

Ah, crap.

We got another one down at the end of the hallway.

Damn it.

This has got to stop.

He stained the new carpet.

Yeah, we got a serious problem.

The ghosts keep killing the guests,

we're gonna end up with zero stars.

It's time we had a goddamn meeting.

Hello!

Welcome!

Thank you all for coming. Excuse me.

My understanding is that you two are in charge now,

and I'd like to speak to you about changing my room.

Sweetheart, you're a ghost.

You can choose whatever room you'd like.

Well, yes, but the problem is,

after I pick a room

and then settle in with my erotica novels,

I never know if a guest is going to check in

and disturb me.

I know this is Los Angeles,

but I'm an old-fashioned girl and I like my privacy.

I dig it when the guests come in.

It's like a free dirty movie.

I'm into that amateur stuff.

Are you three, like, a thing now?

Ya.

We try dating the lumberjack,

but he's a gay.

Okay, everyone, please, listen.

This is important,

and it affects every single one of you.

We would like you to stop killing the guests.

It's not all of you,

but we are trying

to build something special here.

A real... destination.

Look, they're gonna get two football teams down in Carson.

That's 20 minutes down the 110.

This place could be filled.

But if it gets out that people are

checking in and disappearing,

then obviously, that's bad for business.

Screw you, Iris.

You're the biggest killer in this room,

you bloodsucker. Maybe in the past.

But every drop of blood I drink now is donated.

Any murders that go on in this hotel

are done by your kind.

Excuse me, but...

what do you mean by "our kind"?

Can we all just call

a spade a spade and say you're talking about Will and I?

I mean, Woo is

too busy munching on Swedish fish

to bother anyone.

Marcy molests herself

or complains all day.

The lumberjack just mopes.

And that hipster couple just trips around

moaning about for kale.

Will and I are the only ones

who still get off on a little bit of true mischief.

And we're not stopping.

Ending some jerk-off

who wastes the air that he breathes?

That is the real high.

I'm dead, but I've never felt more alive.

Ha.

Beautifully said.

And I couldn't agree more.

But I must come down on the side of Cleopatra

and her friend on this issue.

Oh, come on!

You telling people to stop killing

is like Colonel Sanders telling us to stop eating chicken.

I'm not familiar with your military friend

and his fondness for poultry,

but my killing days are over.

I thought the Ten Commandment killings

were the beginning of my work,

but it turns out that they are the epilogue.

The torch has been passed, and I feel complete.

But this is a practical decision, not an emotional one.

This is our home.

Frankly, it's the only one we've got.

None of us know what is waiting for us

beyond this place if it no longer stands.

Perhaps, without these walls to protect us, we would all be

forced to move on and face

the judgment of our Maker.

If we can't stay in business, all bets are off.

We'll have to sell.

Or get evicted.

That's bullshit.

I paid cash for this place.

My lawyers will keep paying the upkeep and the taxes

for as long as they have the funds.

Yeah, well, that's not gonna take very long, cowboy.

Sure, your business was worth a fortune

when you were alive.

But you're such a narcissist

that you never brought anyone else in to design your lines.

And when you disappeared, they had zilch.

Now the whole shithouse has gone up in flames.

Your stock is worth pennies.

That is bullshit!

You're a goddamn liar.

Enough! This is not a democracy!

We are not in the House of Lords!

We are a ship at sea!

And when it comes to you spirits, I am captain!

So listen up, mateys!

There are six criteria

that the U.S. Department of Interior uses to determine

if a place is worthy of being called

an historical landmark.

This hotel fits them all.

The one thing it does not yet possess is time.

Age.

August 23, 2026.

That will make it 100 years that this hotel has stood.

And on that day, it will earn its rightful distinction

as an historical landmark.