At Home Alone Together

Hello, I'm Ray Martin.

Welcome to At Home Alone Together, a new lifestyle show

in a world in which life and style are sadly missing.

At times like these, Australians like to turn to someone they can trust,

a reassuring face, a safe pair of hands.

Kochie wasn't available so you got me.

Each week, the team and I will share some handy hints

on how you can best survive these difficult times.

Tonight - Craig Reucassel on how to minimise our household waste.

Deborah Mailman gives us a taste of The Bard.

And money guru Helen Bidou on turning our boredom into billions.

Now, we all know that we're not allowed

social or physical contact right now,

but that doesn't mean we have to abandon our love-lives.

Sorry, I don't want to paint a picture

of Ray Martin having a love-life.

This is purely for research, I promise, but...

..we have our own Love Doctor on stand-by.

She's here with some practical tips

on how to find love in this time of corona.

We all know that the lockdown has been playing havoc on our love-lives.

Just here, I have an email from Jordan who says:

Role play can seem really daunting at first

but what better time to experiment than in lockdown?

Hi, I'm Billy D.

Um, I'm 32.

I come from a broken home...

Yeah, that's good, Billy.

Now, Billy is a perfect example

of someone who can be a little bit funny about certain things.

So today, I'm gonna show you how to approach a role play

with tact and understanding.

Hey, Billy D, do you wanna have some fun tonight?

Yeah. Yeah?

Have you ever wanted to, like, act out a fantasy?

Actually, yeah. Um... To get the ball rolling,

try suggesting one of your own.

I always had this dirty idea where... Harry Potter...

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I was thinking we could do a Harry Potter thing,

where you're Hermione and I'm Ron and we... we do it.

Um, yeah. Cool. You don't wanna be Harry?

Oh... (SCOFFS) No.

No, I'm not... I'm not a Harry at all. I'm a Ron.

You can be a Harry. No, with my colouring and...

..and my personality, I am undoubtedly a Ron.

Make them feel comfortable.

Asking questions is healthy

and it can be sexy too. Watch.

Billy D, why don't you show me that thick, hard wand?

OK. Um, it's elderwood and it has a phoenix feather in it.

So... Why don't you spank me with it?

No. That's not... She wouldn't... I mean...

That's not really in character of how we've grown to know Hermione

over the book series and the movies.

Well, hey, why don't you lead?

OK. (CLEARS THROAT)

Hermione!

'Tis I, Ronald Weasley, your platonic friend.

What are you doing in the library quite so late?

Are you hiding from Filch, perchance?

I hear he's on the warpath tonight.

No, I was in here reading a book

about how to have sex 24/7 365...

Perhaps it was... a spell book instead that you were reading?

Y-y... And that's more in character.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Do you hear footsteps?

Yes.

Maybe it's a... another wizard girl from another house

and she wants to suck your dick and I lick my...

No, no. It's... it's definitely Professor Quirrell.

Quick! Down this hallway towards the Chamber of Secrets.

They'll never suspect us down there. Run!

Oh, God, you know one of my secrets?

O... K, yes.

I'd love to give Dobby a little gobby.

No, no. Oh, yes, I'd love to be moaning

like Myrtle. No!

I want to have magical missionary in Hagrid's hut.

Why would they have sex in Hagrid's hut?

He's their friend. They respect him.

I mean, did you even read the books?

As you can see, it's not always easy,

but as long as you and your partner are open

to discussing what is and isn't working for you,

then everything is healthy and aboveboard.

We could use this broom.

I don't wanna do that.

Me neither.

In this crazy chaos world, self-care is actually so important.

But because there's a pandemic, al the beauty houses are closed,

so you can't get to your favourite sauna.

Not to be worried because today I'm going to show you

how to create a sauna vibe in your very own bathroom.

In Denmark, everyone has saunas in the houses,

even the hjemlos.

But in Australia, this is not the case.

So you have to get more creative.

What makes a sauna?

There's not much to it, to be honest.

It's just a really hot room with wooden benches,

steam and a real red vibe.

First of all, you want to gather all the heaters in your house

and turns them up to full blast to get that super hot vibe.

It's actually really important for your health

to sweat out all the negative vibes.

And get naked with strangers.

Secondly, grab all those planks of wood that you have been hoarding

under your house.

Remember when you grabbed it,

'cause you thought you could make a little side table

or maybe even oar for canoe.

But then you realised you have no tools

and actually woodwork is so difficult.

Now you should have enough to cover all the cold mean tiles

in the bathroom.

Just plonk it down on two stools and there, you have a bench.

So simple.

So ergonomic.

Cellophane is a great way to get a colour in a room.

And so easy to change when you're in a different mood.

Sauna is always red vibe because red is a hot, hot colour.

Then you want to turn on

just the hot tap in your shower and your sink

to get the moody steam effect.

Don't worry about running out of water.

The world has so much of it, actually.

I put the little rockies in the sink

because for some reason, all saunas have this.

Don't forget to cover up all the little cracks

to keep hot-boxing the room.

Now it's time just to sit back and enjoy.

I'm absolutely loving this.

Maybe you invite some friends around so that...

OK, my eyes are hurting.

Let's look at where it scores on the vibe rater.

Mm, that's hygge.

This vibe rating has got me so excited.

For that extra sauna vibe,

invite your neighbour around

and sit there and enjoy the awkward silence together.

Coming up next, I'm gonna show you how to deliberately break something

so you can spend all day outside, pretending to fix it.

Away from all that.

There you can contemplate the absurdity of existence

and why you spend yours trapped in this nightmarish hellhole

of household responsibility.

Introducing Bleach.

It brightens, it whitens.

That is literally all it does.

Repeat... It brightens, it whitens.

And quite emphatically does stuff-all else.

Contrary to what you may have heard elsewhere,

this amazing cleaning product:

And most definitely, will not make your wife love you.

We understand why a white supremacist president might think

a whitening agent is a solution to all of life's problems,

but we cannot emphasise this enough -

it really isn't.

Bleach! Recommended by zero health professionals.

Tomorrow night, join Craig Reucassel

for a special isolation edition of the War On Waste.

If you've been enjoying a tipple during lockdown,

remember to put your bottles and cans into your recycling bin.

Or if that's full, you can just store them in your landfill bin.

Or your... paper bin.

Well, it has been five days.

Practical tips on reducing your waste while living in lockdown.

Remember, with all your stuffed-up attempts to make bread,

you can put them in your composter.

Unless it's filled with last week's attempts.

Your local street library is a good plan B.

Or you can try and sneak it onto a Bakers Delight sample tray.

Thank you, sir. Yes.

And how to stay sane while staying green.

A lot of people have been asking me

how do you handle kids that need help home-schooling?

And there's no real correct answer on this one.

Just whichever bin is closest.

Still need help with your maths homework?

That's the War On Waste COVID edition, tomorrow at 08:00

on ABC and iview.

Oh, sorry. (CHUCKLES)

You caught me pretending to do some manual labour,

but it's no good washing your hands all the time

unless we're prepared to get our hands dirty.

So here's our handyman, Ryan Shelton, because Scott Cam was too expensive.

Hey there! With so much spare time on our hands right now,

there's never been a better time to tackle some of those odd jobs

we've been putting off around the house.

But if you're anything like me... Whoop!

..you're no handyman.

So luckily, I found someone who is.

It's my identical twin brother, an absolute ripper of a bloke,

Jason Shelton.

And he's kindly agreed to teach all of us some handy tips

on how to make our DIYs that little bit easier.

Over to you, Jase.

OK. Thanks, Ryan.