ALF

Kate, this lasagna looks really great!

Very well worth the interminable wait.

I asked you twice to stop doing that.

What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.

You know what I mean.

Rhyming everything I say.

No problem, Willie, have it your way.

Kate!

Kate, he's doing it again.

What?

He's rhyming the last word of everything I say.

Go ahead, ALF.

He's been doing it all day.

Now, he's got me doing it.

What a creep.

I never want to see him again.

I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.

We should go see if she's alright.

Oh, sure, when Kate makes a rhyme it's no big deal.

Just for that, I'm eating your meal.

Okay, dad, your turn.

Okay..

Science or sports?

He'll take science.

Do you mind?

I can pick my own category.

Who won the Super Bowl last year?

I'll take science.

What is the primary element of the planet Jupiter?

Oh, it's easy. Hydrogen.

Eh! You're wrong!

It's buttermilk.

Willie's right.

It's hydrogen.

Then why do they call it the Dairy Planet?

Who calls it the Dairy Planet?

Jupitonians.

It's on their license plates.

Mom, it's your turn.

Okay.

Entertainment.

Okay, uh, what singing phenomenon...

Eh! Florence Henderson.

ALF, it's not your turn.

The answer's not Florence Henderson.

It's Shirley Jones.

Oh, like there's really a difference.

Mail's here.

Not that it matters.

Oh, come and join us, honey.

Take ALF's place.

I don't really feel like it.

I'll be in my room. Not that it matters.

Gee, what a downer.

It's only been a week since she broke up with L-Lloyd.

I never understood, why he pronounced both the Ls.

Because he was a l-lox.

You know, it takes a little time to get over a break-up.

I'm gonna go check on her.

Well, see you l-later.

ALF, there's a book here for you.

You ordered a book?

Don't worry, Wilco.

It was free.

For joining the Book-of-the-Month Club.

You joined the Book-of-the-Month Club?

Well, technically, you did.

Fortunately, they didn't run a credit check.

"Shelley Winters' Guide to True Love?"

We're sending it back.

It's not for me.

It's to help Lynn.

Oh-ho. This'll be a great help.

"Chapter One.

Love is like a pizza."

Brilliant!

"Love is like a pizza.

"Sometimes it's cold and flat

"sometimes it's hot and gooey.

"The secret is to take it a slice at a time

and hold the anchovies."

ALF, I don't wanna talk about love..

Or pizza.

Well, according to Shelley

you're wallowing in the muck of self-pity.

She says you'll feel better

if you confide in a close friend.

So come on, confide.

Alright.

L-Lloyd wants to go out with other girls.

Ugh. There's that name again.

Do you want me to confide or not?

Sorry.

L-Lloyd.

We were so perfect for each other.

We were gonna get married at the planetarium.

He was even gonna name a comet after me.

What was he gonna name it? L-Lynn?

Last time, I promise.

She wants to be alone!

I just dropped in to say goodnight

and see if you need anything.

No thanks, mom.

Frozen yogurt for me, thanks.

ALF, I was asking Lynn.

From that place at the mall, if you're going that way.

Drive carefully.

I'll never love anyone again.

Oh, sure. Let's get back to your problem.

ALF, you're the one who wanted me to talk about it.

Alright.

Aren't there any other fellas you'd like to date?

Well..

There is this one guy..

But that doesn't mean he'd wanna go out with me.

Well, who is it?

His name is Danny Duckworth.

He's on the baseball team.

Let's see..

Uh... here's his picture.

The dork holding the water bucket?

No, no, no, that's his cousin Donnie.

See, Danny's the one swinging the three bats.

So call him up.

I can't do that, he'd know I like him.

You don't want the boy you like

to know you like him?

- Right. - Makes sense.

You don't understand.

Oh, I understand.

Nobody on this planet ever says what they mean.

We say what we mean.

As long as the other person says it first.

Shelley, Shelley, it's up to you, babe.

Come on. Don't let me down.

Ah. "Chapter Two."

"Take action.

Ask a friend to fix you up."

Well, there you have it.

Yo, operator.

Do you have a listing for a Duckworth?

Why would he even try making banana coffee?

I don't think you even want... to know.

Hey, Willie, when's the last time

you changed the blades in this razor?

Oh, my-my razor is elec..

Why were you shaving?

According to Shelley women like clean-shaven men.

Don't ever touch..

Anything that touches my face.

ALF?

How could you do this to me?

I couldn't find my own roll-on.

Lynn, what's wrong?

I have got a date to go bowling

with Donnie Duckworth, the geekiest guy in school

thanks to my brother ALF.

Your brother?

That's what he told Donnie

when he called him on the phone.

You wanted me to.

I did not want you to!

Well, you said you liked the guy.

I said I liked Danny Duckworth.

You called Donnie, his cousin.

Danny, Donnie, Florence, Shirley.

I'm getting a headache!

Think I'll go lie down.

Well, hold it right there, bro.

I think you have one more phone call to make

to get this thing straightened out.

It's too late, mom.

Donnie has already bought us

matching bowling shirts.

That was my idea!

I hope you like paisley.

Now, the secret to bowling

or talequoits, as it's known in the civilized universe

is in the wrist action.

And in the ripeness of the melon.

Ugh! We don't bowl with cantaloupes.

Then, what do you bowl with?

Heavy plastic balls.

You're kidding.

Well, at least it's something edible.

Oh, great. Donnie's here.

Now, remember, according to Shelley

dating is the best therapy for a failed romance.

That and chocolate.

Hi, you must be Donnie Duckworth.

- Come on in. - Thanks.

But I'm Danny Duckworth

I'm Donnie Duckworth's cousin.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

Where's Donnie... Duckworth?

Hm, Danny?

Well, he got so nervous about this date

that he started pukin' his guts out.

Oh, that's not good.

Yeah, he had a date with a cheerleader once