Father Brown

Argh!

Evening, sir.

The new librarian, miss.

Henry Cavendish. How do you do?

I'm Virginia Lewthwaite, Lord Hellion's fiancee.

He's been called away to London

so I'm afraid I must suffice in his absence.

I shall try not to keep you from your occupations.

On the contrary,

I'd welcome the company.

We're very isolated here, Mr Cavendish.

I fear you'll be bored.

I welcome the seclusion.

It gives me time to write.

You're an author?

I only claim to be budding.

I think...

there will be plenty here to inspire me.

Is the wedding imminent?

The 6th of June.

A very small affair, as my fiance lost his first two wives.

Line.

'In tragic circumstances.'

'Cut!'

If Miss Fontaine would deign to learn her lines

before coming on set,

it would save us all a lot of time,

which, as you know, means money.

Something that is in painfully short supply.

And do try and inject some ingenuousness.

You're meant to be a virgin bride.

I've seen more innocence on a ten bob tart.

You would know, darling.

Miss Swain,

may I borrow you for a moment, please?

Could you demonstrate to Miss Fontaine

what innocence sounds like?

I'm Virginia Lewthwaite,

Lord Hellion's fiancee.

He's been called to London, so I'm afraid I must suffice...

I'd murder the little tart before taking acting lessons from her.

Miss Fontaine! Reset.

Let's try again.

They were forced to move out of their last place

because of complaints about noise.

And this film,

The Demon Brides.

In the name of all that's unholy...

And you such a movie buff, Mrs M.

I like a proper one,

like, oh, Casablanca or The Prisoner of Zenda,

but this rubbish is just an excuse for blasphemy and...

..and scantily clad women.

Isn't that right, Father?

We rather enjoyed Virgin Vampires at the Odeon last month.

Isn't that right, Father?

It raised some interesting theological questions.

Well, I do hope you'll sign the petition

on behalf of the parish council.

Not so fast, Mrs McCarthy.

One of the actors is a chum, and I've asked him round

to answer any parochial concerns you may have.

There he is now.

If she thinks I'm going to let my opinion be swayed

by some B-list actor...

Hello. I'm Rex Bishop.

Ooh!

Hello. Father Brown.

And this is our Parish Secretary.

Mrs McCarthy is one of your greatest fans.

And...

cut!

That was wonderful, darling.

Care to explain, Billy?

We're spreading.

Vivian wanted cuts.

I'll have no lines left at this rate.

He might as well have hired a cleavage.

This is her.

The old hag would stop at nothing to sabotage my career.

Get me a martini.

I need some lubrication for all that screaming.

I hate this place. Ditto.

There's only one thing for it.

We'll have to run away together.

Sweet William.

But then we'd have to live in a garret and I don't want that.

I want what she's got.

Careful, Billy.

That girl will break your heart.

So I said, "Madam, I am sorely tempted,

"but your husband

"is the middleweight boxing champion of the world

"and my face is my fortune."

You're a long way from Hollywood, Mr Bishop.

Los Angeles is hot and sticky.

And you can't get a proper cup of tea.

Oh, and another scone, Mr Bishop?

I thought you'd never ask, and call me Rex.

If I may call you...

Rex! Bridget!

Bridget, the Celtic goddess of fire and wisdom, and...

creator of the finest strawberry scone I've ever tasted.

Do tell us what the film is about, Rex.

Well, it's about a demon lord

who sacrifices his wives to the devil on their wedding night

and reincarnates them as demon brides.

Hardly Chekhov, I'm afraid.

Sounds jolly good fun.

Although I'm not sure Mrs McCarthy would approve.

Oh, no! Why don't you see for yourselves?

As my guests tomorrow. The full tour.

Oh!

Pull back. Pull back.

And if Miss Fontaine could try and look like she's in a drugged stupor.

It shouldn't be too much of a stretch.

And cue, darling.

Exto malikus.

Exto vascatis.

Exta invero Hellion.

Oh, cut! Cut! Cut!

For the last time, this is a closed set!

These are the representatives of the Parish Council.

I don't care if it's the Pope and his entourage.

What are they doing here?

You invited them.

Told Rex to do his bit for PR,

or, to use your words, schmooze the local yokels.

I do apologise for my oaf of a husband.

Bebe Fontaine.

Hello. Hello.

Welcome to hell.

And now the local lunatic fringe are getting up a petition.

And, to cap it all, I've been receiving death threats.

Some maniac calling himself Arulus.

Seems to think I'm the devil reincarnated.

Can't think what gave him that idea.

Interesting choice of objects d'art.

Now, that is the death mask of the demon lord.

Must be a non-speaking part.

Hasn't got a mouth.

His face has been melted with holy water.

Will that work, Father?

Don't think so, no.

Billy Neville. Author of this masterpiece.

Put a priest into the castle.

What for?

Oh, add some colour. Bells and smells.

He can turn wine into blood,

bread into flesh.

Why would a demon lord

have a Catholic priest living under his roof?

You're the writer, think of something,

and I want it by four.

What's she doing here?

She, my darling, is entertaining our guests,

which is more than can be said for you.

May I introduce Miss Paulette Swain,

one of our fastest rising stars?

And what part do you play?

A foul demoness in thrall to a devil.

I'm something of a writer myself.

You must tell me where you get your inspiration from.

From everything around me.

Ars vitam imitator.

Art imitates life.

This isn't art.

You must leave, Virginia.

Are you mad?

I'm due to be married tomorrow.

Yes, I'm mad. I can't be sane when I'm with you.

My father is deeply indebted to Lord Hellion.

If this marriage doesn't take place tomorrow,

he'll be ruined

and my family dishonoured.

Cut!

Is it too much to ask for you people to learn your damn lines

before stepping onto my set? You're costing me a fortune.

Principles to their dressing rooms now.

I want you word perfect by five.

We're in detention, I'm afraid.

I don't have trouble remembering my lines.

You don't have any lines.

Feel free to stay and we'll reconvene later. Yes.

Universal Studios!

They've offered me a movie starting in the spring.

Escape the garret, Billy. Clever boy.

Nicholas Ray's directing and Robert Mitchum's lined up for the lead.

You seem to forget that you're contracted to me

for your next two movies.

In your own words, any typewriter monkey could churn out this dross.

I don't want any monkey.

I want the monkey I've got.

So you can just get back to Universal

and tell them that you're not available.

And I want those amendments by four.

Till then, I'm watching rushes.

Do not disturb...

under pain of death.

Ergh!