Tali's Joburg Diary

Which one is it, Ashley?

All of these houses look exactly the same.

It's the one straight up ahead.

My wings.

You are trespassing and if you don't leave

I'll have you arrested.

Please, Monique, I just need one minute of your time.

You have one minute to leave or I'm calling the police.

Shit.

Come, Ashley. Maybe if I give you a leg up you can hop over the gate.

- How much do you weigh? - 44 kilos.

- Shut up. - It's fine. I have a better idea.

Ashley?

It's good to have you back.

Now let's go!

Oh my God, Ashley.

- He thinks I'm a real swan. - Lageveld, down.

Okay. You better know the code.

It was something like...

- Don't Fuck this up, Ashley. - You promised to be nicer to me.

Sorry. Don't Fuck this up, please, Ashley.

Yes!

- Shit! - Stop! You're trespassing!

It's okay, it's okay. We're not from here.

We are Capetonian. We're not from Johannesburg.

We mean you no harm.

That is so hilarious.

Well it has just been such a tonic

- to see you, babe. - I know.

Oh maybe if the weather's nice on Sunday,

shall we take the kids to the Urban park?

Mm. I don't think we're gonna feel like it.

Thank you so much. I'll get this one.

- Oh no, please, Tali. - No, I think you got the last one.

- I'll get this one. - Okay. Thanks.

Tap. There we go.

Let's try that again, please?

Ah. Sometimes I don't know where to tap.

Oh.

There we go.

It's declined.

Oh, no, that's impossible.

There must be something wrong with your machine.

Ma'am, it says there's no funds available.

Is everything okay, Tals?

Yes, everything is fine, thank you, Gabi.

- I can pay, it's really no biggie... - No, it's no biggie for me either.

I'm just gonna.. I'm quickly gonna make a call.

Just hold on.

I am in an incredibly embarrassing situation, Darren.

The card is declining. Can you clear it, please?

I cleared the card yesterday, babe.

How did you manage to max it out already?

Well maybe because I run a household, Darren,

and I have a million mouths to feed. Can you clear it again, please?

I actually can't, Tals. There's no money until next month.

What? Okay, fine.

I'll just have to use a real credit card then.

My dad's one.

- Okay, sorry about that, guys. - No probs.

- Let's try this one. - Okay.

This is my dad's card. No limit.

Declined, ma'am.

Okay, there must be something wrong with your machine.

Just use this one, please?

Approved. Thank you so much, ma'am.

No problem, Tals. Don't worry about it.

You can get the next one, okay? If you can.

And then Gabi had to pay for my lunch.

And then I got trapped in the Waterfront parking lot,

and I had to ask someone for money.

And I bet you they think I was a drug addict.

I'm sorry, my Tals. We had to cut you off.

What?! No, guys, you cannot cut your children off later on in life.

You do it early or not at all.

We haven't officially cut you off. We just had to limit your cards.

No. He did it to me too, Tals.

We're living like peasants here.

Tals, why don't you move back home to Joburg for a while

until you guys aren't so financially stretched. Huh?

- Ja. - It would be good to have you

and Jayden under our roof.

- And Darren. - Ja.

I mean, I haven't seen my grandchild for almost a year now,

for God's sakes. It's criminal.

Guys, listen to me now, okay? I am not moving back to Joburg.

I have lived without cracked lips and potholes for years now.

I can't go back.

Well there is absolutely nothing to eat in this house.

I don't know what we're gonna give Jayden for lunch, Sylvia.

MOTHERHOOD HAS TRANSFORMED ME.

- Oh viennas. - Oh ja.

I USED TO JUST LIVE FOR MYSELF.

That's good.

AND NOW I JUST LIVE FOR MY BABY BOY.

Ah thank you so much, Sweetness.

Hello, my boy.

WE SPEND SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER.

Sylvia, would you mind making peanut butter toast for Jayden?

I'm just gonna get started on this lunch.

We do not have peanut butter.

Ashley, please put peanut butter on the list.

I actually told you yesterday.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS? IT IS EXHAUSTING.

AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT RAISING JAYDEN.

OH, NO, THAT'S THE EASY PART.

IT'S MANAGING ALL THE HANDS I HAVE ON DECK.

ASHLEY, JEAN-LUC.

What up, Jay?

HOUSEKEEPER, NIGHT NURSE. NANNIES.

BENNET. THE GARDNER COMES TWICE A WEEK TO WATER DOWN THE ASTROTURF.

IT REALLY DOES TAKE A VILLAGE.

AND THAT VILLAGE DOES NOT MANAGE ITSELF, LET ME TELL YOU.

Where's the macadamia milk?

Well we don't have macadamia nut milk.

Ashley, please put macadamia nut milk on the list.

Guys, I cannot keep track of all the milks.

I'M LITERALLY THE MINISTER OF TRANSPORT IN MY OWN HOME.

Sylvia, your Uber's here.

Ashley, please will you order Sweetness an Uber.

PLUS, EVERYTHING GETS DELIVERED THESE DAYS.

SO I'VE GOT BRENDAN THE TAKEALOT GUY HERE EVERY FIVE MINUTES

DELIVERING A NEW PARCEL.

Just place it here. Thank you so much.

- Do you want some coffee? - Yes, please.

Ah okay, cool.

WHO DO YOU THINK HAS TO BREAK DOWN THOSE BOXES FOR RECYCLING?

SOMETIMES I THINK IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF IT WAS JUST JAYDEN AND ME.

AND DARREN, OBVIOUSLY.

Babe, do you want a salmon and cream cheese bagel?

Guess what we're having for dinner tonight?

Darren, please do not bring

those funny misshapen carrots into our house.

- We don't know where they've been. - Tals, they're from our own garden.

I mean, look at this beautiful sweet potato.

Darren, what is that? It looks like a funny sandy animal.

Don't bring it in.

I'VE ALREADY EMBRACED THE NEW NORMAL.

IF THE LOCKDOWN TAUGHT ME ANYTHING, IS THAT WE NEED LESS.

WE DON'T NEED LESS, BABE, WE NEED MORE.

STARTING WITH MONEY.

IT'S BEEN REALLY GREAT HAVING ALL THIS FREE TIME

TO FOCUS ON MY PASSIONS.

'CAUSE GOLDPROP'S ON ICE AT THE MOMENT.

And if I am honest,

this is my favourite room of the house.

I know what you're about to ask me.

And yes, these are real hardwood floors.

Absolutely stunning.

Let me take you to the kitchen,

which captures the morning light so beautifully.

Hi, hi. Sorry.

I think I'm early for the next viewing.

I just didn't wanna miss this great opportunity.

- Please continue, I'll just... - Not a problem, sir.

Please just wander around and I'll be with you shortly.

So I.. Hang on a second. Are these vintage pressed ceilings?

- Yes. - Oh my word.

What a beautiful flow to the whole place.

Great feng shui, if you will.

Are those hardwood floors?

- Why, yes, they are. - Unbelievable.

Really, you just don't get quality like this

for such an affordable price.

And don't get me started on location, location, location.

There's a school down the road, Bootlegger.

I think there's a paddle court about five minutes away.

- Do you play, by the way? - Sometimes.

Not good, but I like it.

But we could start a family here.

You could most definitely start a family here.

Let me show you the kitchen which captures the morning light.. Oh.

That's just my diary.

"Rael enters bringing some of his Rosen magic."

- Are you Rael Rosen? - No, no, I'm Benji Brookman.

I'm not sure who that is, unfortunately.

But when I Google Rael Rosen, this comes up.

- What is...? Who's that? - That is not me.

Very handsome man as well, but no, that's not me.

I've got one of those faces.

Some people say I look like the Tinder Swindler.

I mean.. Have you seen that documentary?

Can't believe what he did to those women. Unbelievable.

- Anyway... - Take a photo.

What are you doing?

Where you taking those photos? Delete that.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go. - Excuse me.

You guys are done for. More like Property Swindler.

I'm not a property swindler at all, and I have rights.

Do not put that on the internet, please, sir.

- These are real hardwood floors. - POPIA Act!

Taryn, why are you bringing the script onto the property.

- That's our number one rule. - I don't know.

That's the second sell you've blown this month.

Well if you're such a property hotshot

then why aren't you selling it yourself?

Because unlike you,

I've got a reputation to uphold in this industry.

And I wouldn't be caught selling residential. Ugh.

THE COMMERCIAL PROPERTY MARKET IS DEAD.