M*A*S*H

Hey, Major, let me see that X‐ray, will ya?

Oh, yeah, right. Okay. All right, thank you.

Thank you!

Come on, you little bugger.

Ah!

Gotcha.

Thanks to my experience

as pick‐up‐sticks champion of southern Maine.

Now you can identify us to your lawyer.

Uh, can I have that bullet, Doc?

A souvenir.

Well, I had a buyback deal with the sniper,

but all right.

Well...

a little thing like this

is not gonna keep me off the line.

Frank, that's Colonel Buzz Brighton!

I saw his picture in Stars and Stripes.

‐Oh, a colonel. ‐Yeah.

I didn't realize that we were carving on a full bird.

Yeah, instead of a local,

we should've used something imported.

Ah, you save that stuff for the sick guys.

Hey, listen, I'm not kiddin'.

When that local wears off,

you're gonna really feel somethin'.

Why don't you come by the Swamp later

for some homemade painkiller.

The Swamp?

‐Yeah, our tent. ‐It's lovely.

Just knock on the "condemned" sign and come in.

Careful, Major. Somebody's liable to trip over your tongue.

Ooo! Wow. That's great gin.

Oh, that's because it's aged.

Yeah, it's been cooking since 8:00 this morning.

Can I get you a refill?

Ah, no, I'll get it.

Hey, listen, Buzz, you better use this cane.

You don't wanna overwork that leg.

Well, I don't wanna baby it, either.

You don't think this is the first slug

‐I've picked up, do ya? ‐Yeah, I noticed that.

You got more stitches in your butt than a sampler.

All right, come on, fellas.

When can I get back to my men?

Couple of days.

You know, you gotta take it easy.

Mental rest is important, too.

Now look, don't put me in the same league

with the battle fatigue phonies.

That's just another way of yelling "chicken" in my book.

I've heard of anxiety and overexposure to stress,

but, uh, I don't believe Freud ever mentioned chicken,

do you, Doctor?

I believe once,

in describing his mother's soup.

Look, all I wanna do is get back to my outfit.

You know, this war is not gonna wait

just because I'm sidetracked.

I'll bet it got slowed down a little, though, didn't it?

Every time you get a wild hare and yell "charge,"

our surgery here is standing room only.

Ah, casualties are part of the game.

If it costs ya a few good men to take a hill,

that's a price you gotta pay.

I mean, some real estate doesn't come cheap.

Well, to be honest, we're not too hot for your business.

Taking care of your outfit is a little bit

like making a house call at Custer's Last Stand.

You know, you guys are really civilians.

Right down to our yellow bellybuttons.

Now, you got your whole lives to perfect your trade.

I'm an army officer.

And this war, you know, is not gonna last forever.

Well, no war's perfect.

Now the way I look at it is I only got a certain amount of time

to knock off a couple of thousand gooks,

turn a lot of boys into men,

and make a few points for myself.

With a little time left over to divide the Red Sea.

I'll leave that for the Marines.

Oh...

Well, thanks for the hooch.

I think I'll go out

and get myself a little exercise here.

I'll see ya.

Right...

Whaddaya say we put him to sleep

and put the bullet back in his leg?

Oh, he's a beauty.

We got us a real ring banger here.

A what banger?

Didn't you see the way

he kept banging his ring on the chair?

Yeah.

A little reminder that he's a quarterback in this war

and we're just water boys.

Well, I got a feeling he wouldn't be so tall

if he weren't standing on so many bodies.

Whaddaya say we try to keep Buzz around for a while?

I got the information you guys wanted.

You're a model of industry and sneakiness.

Yeah, well my friend at Walter Reed says

that, uh, Colonel Brighton's physicals have been perfect.

Let me see that.

That's disgusting.

This guy is so fit,

he'll be in good health two years after he's dead.

Look at this West Point info.

Guess what he broke.

His back.

His front.

The all‐time record for never being on sick call.

Terrific.

And will you look at this?

The guy's racked up twice as many casualties

as any other regimental commander

while only gaining half the ground.

I think this guy oughta come outta the game

for a little while.

Why don't we gift wrap

a few dysentery germs for him?

Is Colonel Blake in?

No, sir. He's in his tent, sir.

Good morning, Frank.

Wouldn't you like to know?

The problem is in Buzz' mind.

That's where we ought to strike.

A little homemade battle fatigue.

A karate chop to his reality.

What are you guys building?

Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you.

‐But, sir‐‐ ‐Oh! Ouch!

Oh, my ear.

Is there any blood?

Oh, for Pete's sake, sir, you're a doctor.

Listen, Frank, I could paint a barn

with someone else's blood.

I just can't stand to see my own.

I was right there in the operating room.

It was a simple excision of a bullet from his thigh.

No post‐op infection, no evidence of a fracture,

no reason for him to still be here,

except that maybe he's become a drinking buddy

of Pierce and McIntyre.

Last night, they filled a bucket with gin

and were bobbing for olives.

You want to see me, Lieutenant?

I'm just leaving to pick up

those supplies in Seoul, Colonel.

Would you like to approve my requisition?

I certainly would.

Excuse me, Frank.

Of course.

Ahem.

Make sure the sardines are boneless

and the peanut butter's chunky.

If they're out of cheese balls,

get some smoked oysters.

Can I kiss your ear and make it better?

Not in front of, uh, El Jerkorino.

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Never mind. Ahem.

Uh, carry on, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Now, then, Frank?

About Colonel Brighton, sir,

I think Pierce and McIntyre might be delib‐‐

What‐‐

Frank Burns is giving Henry a hard time

about your patient Colonel Brighton.

Oh, yeah? Oh, thanks, Leslie.

There'll be a little something under your pillow.

Me.

If you're unhappy, Frank, examine Brighton yourself.

I can? How can I ever thank you, sir?

Try leaving.

Yes, sir.

MAN (over P. A.): Will the owner of a red pick‐up truck,

Illinois license LU6751,

please fly back to Chicago

and remove it from in front of the Y?

‐Buzz? ‐48, 49, 50.

Ah.

I feel great.

I was afraid of that.

‐Absence of pain. ‐Mm‐hmm.

Could be an inflammation of the femur.

And could cause paraesthesia.

‐Or thrombophlebitis. ‐Yeah.

With an extension of the femoral vessels,

‐resulting in a pulmonary embolism. ‐Right. Sure.

‐What? ‐X‐rays don't lie, Buzz.

Buzz, look, uh,

we've been goin' over your whole history,

and, uh, we think we should keep you around for a week

‐for observation. ‐No way!

Buzz, look, it's the best thing to do.

No way! They'll put someone else in charge of my outfit.