Beethoven's 3rd

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DAD SAID I WAS FAMILY VIDEOGRAPHER.

I'M DOCUMENTING OUR JOURNEY.

WE'RE NOT GOING ON A JOURNEY, SARA. WE'RE GOING ON A VERY LONG DRIVE.

NUH-UH. DAD SAID WE'RE TAKING A JOURNEY.

DOES THE RV HAVE A POWER PORT FOR MY LAPTOP ?

WE'RE ON A BUDGET, AND THE ECONOMY MODEL RV MIGHT NOT EVEN HAVE A TOILET,

BUT I'M SURE IT HAS A CIGARETTE LIGHTER.

POWER PORT, MOM. WE DON'T SAY CIGARETTE LIGHTER ANYMORE.

WE ALSO DON'T WALK AROUND WITH A MILK MOUSTACHE...

NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT ACCENTUATES OUR BOOGER-NOSE.

SORRY. I'M TOO EXCITED ABOUT OUR TRIP.

MOM, DAD HAS BEEN QUOTED AS SAYING THIS IS GONNA BE THE FUNNEST VACATION EVER.

CAN WE GET YOUR REACTION ?

DRIVING ACROSS COUNTRY TO A FAMILY REUNION, COOKING, CLEANING,

ORGANIZING AND BUDGETING IS NOT FUN AND NOT A VACATION.

YET, IT'S WHAT I DO WITH MY FREE TIME.

OH, NO ! EW !

NO, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

- - NO !

NOT MY GNOMES !

HE GOT THE BIGGEST ONE THEY HAD.

NOW, THIS... IS CAMPING !

DAD, IT IS SO COOL !

YOU LIKE IT ? GO CHECK IT OUT.

YOU THINK THAT'S COOL ? WAIT TILL YOUR FRIENDS DRIVE BY POINTING AND LAUGHING AT YOU.

THEN WE'LL SEE HOW COOL YOU THINK IT IS. BRENNAN.

MAYBE ONE OF THEM HAD JUST TOLD A JOKE. DID YOU CONSIDER THAT ?

YEAH. THE JOKE WAS, "LOOK, EVERYBODY,

BRENNAN NEWTON'S GOING ON A VACATION WITH HIS FAMILY IN A BUS."

GOD, HOW LAME IS THAT ?

EVEN JESSICA DONNELLY SAW ME.

HEY, BRENN, YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALL PROBABLY GONNA STAY IN HOTELS THIS SUMMER.

WE'RE GONNA SLEEP BESIDE PRISTINE LAKES IN THE GREAT OUTDOORS.

AND THE BEAUTY OF IT IS, THIS RIG HAS EVERYTHING !

SO YOU'LL NEVER EVEN KNOW YOU LEFT HOME. THAT'S JUST IT, DAD.

IT'S HOME, BUT SMALLER FOR TWO WEEKS.

I DON'T EVEN WANNA GO ON THIS STUPID TRIP ANYWAY.

- I DIDN'T BUDGET FOR THIS, RICHARD. - I KNOW, I KNOW.

JUST LOOK. COME ON. JUST LOOK.

I NEED A NEW TAPE. OKAY. JUST LOOK.

WE CAN'T AFFORD THIS, RICHARD.

NO WAY ! IS THAT A DVD PLAYER ?

YEP, AND A FRIDGE/FREEZER, TUB/SHOWER,

BLENDER/FOOD PROCESSOR, POWER PORTS FOR SARA'S COMPUTER,

AND CHECK THIS OUT.

INSTANT HYDRAULIC EMERGENCY BRAKE.

YOU TOUCH THAT BABY, AND THIS COACH COMES TO A TOTAL STANDSTILL IN HALF A SECOND.

AND WHAT, WE GO SAILING THROUGH THE FRONT WINDOW ?

SPRING ACTION SHOULDER STRAP SEAT BELTS, HONEY.

IT DOESN'T GET ANY SAFER.

OH.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SCRUBBING IT TOP TO BOTTOM.

IT'S BRAND NEW. WE'RE THE FIRST RENTERS.

VERY, VERY FUNNY. HOW MUCH ?

OH, UH, I DON'T KNOW. I'D HAVE TO LOOK AT THE RENTAL AGREEMENT,

BUT JUST THINK HOW MUCH WE'LL BE SAVING...

IN RESTAURANTS, HOTELS, ROOM SERVICE, ROOM SERVICE TIPS.

EXACTLY HOW MUCH IS THIS DREAM HOUSE ON WHEELS COSTING US ?

OH, RICHARD, THAT'S TWICE WHAT WE PLANNED TO SPEND.

A LITTLE MORE, ACTUALLY, WITH INSURANCE.

OH, RIGHT. BETH, I'M SORRY.

I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.

I WANNA RELIVE ONE OF THE GREAT EXPERIENCES OF MY CHILDHOOD WITH MY FAMILY.

UH, WELL, SPEAKING OF FAMILY, YOUR BROTHER GEORGE CALLED FROM EUROPE.

HUH ! LET ME GUESS. HE SAID THEY'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT TO THE REUNION.

NO, THEY'RE GONNA MAKE IT, BUT THEY WANTED US TO BRING SOMETHING THERE FOR THEM.

IT'S GONNA BE DELIVERED THIS MORNING. WHAT ?

I COULDN'T HEAR WHAT IT WAS. IT WAS A CELL PHONE. YOU KNOW, BAD CONNECTION.

HUH. HEY, YOU SEE THERE ? THE EXTRA STORAGE CAPACITY IS ALREADY SAVING US HEADACHES.

YOU'RE PUSHING IT, RICHARD.

HI. YEAH, UH, WE WOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE...

A DVD COPY OF THE SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST, PLEASE.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THAT TITLE ?

1967, WRITTEN BY JAMES FRITZELL AND EVERETT GREENBAUM.

COMEDY/WESTERN. DIRECTED BY ALAN RAFKIN.

STARRING PAT MORITA AS WONG,

JACKIE COOGAN AS BASCH, BARBARA RHODES AS PENELOPE CUSHINGS...

AND, OF COURSE, DON KNOTTS AS JESSE W. HEYWOOD.

THAT SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST ?

YES, THAT'S THE ONE. ONE COPY, PLEASE.

- WE'RE SOLD OUT. -

EXCUSE ME. THAT'S NASTY.

THIS IS WAY OUT OF CONTROL. IT'S TOO COMPLICATED.

I SAID LET'S STEAL THE OPERATING SYSTEM AND DELIVER IT IN PERSON, BUT YOU SAID NO.

LET'S PUT IT ON A DVD THAT NOBODY EVER BUYS,

STICK IT IN A VIDEO STORE AND DELIVER IT THAT WAY.

AND ? AND...

SOMEBODY BOUGHT THE DVD THAT NOBODY WAS SUPPOSED TO BUY.

OH, GOD, WE'RE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.

OKAY. WE ALREADY SPENT THE MONEY THAT WE GOT FROM MR. YOU KNOW WHO.

OH, MY GOD. DO YOU KNOW WHAT MR. YOU KNOW WHO...

IS GOING TO DO TO US WHEN HE FINDS OUT THAT SOMEBODY ELSE HAS THE YOU KNOW WHAT ?

NO, WHAT ? I'M KIDDING.

I'M A JOKER. WE ARE DEAD IF WE DON'T GET THAT DVD BACK !

OKAY, WILLIAM, CALM YOURSELF.

OBSERVE THE MASTER.

HELLO, THERE, QUENTIN. I'M WONDERING,

HOW LONG TO ORDER A COPY OF THE SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST ?

THAT WOULD BE ABOUT SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS.

OH, THAT'S BAD.

MAYBE WE CAN ORDER A COPY FROM THE GUY WHO ORDERED IT FROM YOU.

YES, MAY WE HAVE HIS NAME, ADDRESS AND TELEPHONE NUMBER ?

DUDE, WHAT DO I GOT, LIKE FEDERAL FELONY WRITTEN ACROSS MY FOREHEAD OR SOMETHING ?

COULD YOU, PERHAPS, SEE IF YOU HAVE ANOTHER COPY ?

WE DON'T.

COULD YOU CHECK, PLEASE ? C-C-C--

OKAY, MAN. WHATEVER. JUST COOL YOUR JETS.

WHAT ? TOMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? THAT IS COMPLETELY ILLEGAL.

I'M AN IDIOT.

YES, YES YOU ARE, BUT FORTUNATELY FOR BOTH OF US, I AM A GENIUS.

BEGIN THE COUNTDOWN. TEN, NINE--

RICHARD NEWTON, 1715 HAUSER STREET. BLAST OFF, BABY.

YOU HACKED THEIR SYSTEM IN TWO SECONDS.

THAT IS A NEW RECORD. I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

THAT IS WHY YOU FAIL. STUPID YOU ARE.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE SUMMER.

I DIDN'T KNOW JESSICA DONNELLY WAS YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

WELL, SHE WAS GONNA BE BEFORE THIS WHOLE STUPID TRIP.

BUT NOW SHE WON'T EVER BE. HEY, ARE YOU FILMING ME ?

- DAD SAID I GOTTA DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. - GIVE ME THAT !

- NO ! - GIVE ME THE CAMERA, SARA !

NO ! I GOT TO DOCUMENT EVERYTHING !

COME ON ! GIVE IT ! BRENNAN, STOP TERRORIZING YOUR SISTER.

- TELL HER TO GIVE ME THE TAPE. - WHEN SHE GETS BIG, SHE'S GONNA KICK HIS BUTT.

GIVE ME THE CAMERA, SARA ! HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU GUYS.

MOM, SHE WAS-- YOU GUYS. NO, SARA'S JUST DOING HER JOB, OKAY ?

AND NOBODY'S GONNA GO RUNNING INTO THE RV, MAKING A MESS OF EVERYTHING I JUST LOADED.

NOW, ORGANIZATION IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS ON THIS TRIP, OKAY ?

BUT, MOM, SHE WAS-- BRENNAN, THIS TRIP IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO YOUR FATHER,

SO COULD YOU JUST TRY AND ACT EXCITED ?

FINE.

SO, BRENNAN, DAD SAID THIS IS GONNA BE THE FUNNEST VACATION EVER.

CAN WE GET YOUR REACTION ?

- I'M GONNA TELL YOU DID THAT. - BOAT'S HOOKED UP.

- HOUSE IS LOCKED UP. - GIVE ME THAT !

- OH, OH, OH, OH. - LET'S HIT THE ROAD, NEWTONS.

- YOU TWO ! - WAIT. WAIT. I ALMOST FORGOT.

WHAT'S THAT ?

ON MY MOTOR HOME VACATION, MY DAD DID THIS FOR US.

IT MADE US FEEL LIKE A REAL TEAM,

AND, WELL, I WANT YOU TO FEEL THE SAME WAY.

GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

OKAY. OKAY ! EVERYBODY TURN AROUND.

TURN AROUND. TURN AROUND.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ?

COOL, HUH ? THIS IS SO LAME.

OKAY. OH, WAIT. THERE'S MORE.

WHAT DO YOU GOT, DAD ?

ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT MY MOTOR HOME VACATION...

WAS WHEN WE STOPPED AT A DRIVE-IN.

WE SAT ON THE ROOF OF THE RV IN OUR PAJAMAS,

ATE POPCORN AND WATCHED THE SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST.

WHO'S DON KNOTTS ?

DON KNOTTS ?

THANKS, MR. NEWTON. WHAT IS IT ?

YOU DON'T KNOW.

- NO. - GOOD LUCK !

OOH, SARA, IT'S GONNA BITE YOU.

DAD.

WHAT DID I AGREE TO BRING WITH US ?

UH, BRENNAN, OPEN IT.

WHY ME ? BECAUSE YOU'RE A TRAINED BOY SCOUT.

YOU'RE PREPARED, AND YOU'RE CLOSER.

NO, I'M NOT. JUST DO IT. OPEN IT.

WHAT ?

WHAT, ARE YOU CHICKEN ?

HE'S HUGE ! DON'T SLOBBER ON ME ! DON'T !

GET HIM AWAY ! GET HIM AWAY ! GET HIM, BRENNAN ! GET HIM !

- HONEY ! HONEY ! - DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT DOG ?

[ Dog Barking, Richard Yelling ]

OH ! OH !

I'M OKAY. I'M ALL RIGHT.

- DADDY ! - RICHARD !

- IT'S NOT MY FAULT. -

BEETHOVEN, COME HERE, BOY.

OH, MY GOD !

OH !

DO YOU SEE ANYTHING ? NO ! THEY MUST HAVE BEEN TIPPED OFF.

TIPPED OFF ! ARE YOU SURE ?

HMM, ON THIS PARTICULAR DAY, THEY GO TO THAT PARTICULAR VIDEO STORE...

AND GET THAT PARTICULAR COPY OF THAT PARTICULAR MOVIE THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER RENTED.

LOOK, SWITCH TO DECAF, OKAY, BABE ? OPEN YOUR EYES.

THESE PEOPLE ARE PROFESSIONALS. PROFESSIONALS.

WHEN MY DAD TOOK ME ON MY MOTOR HOME VACATION, WE HAD A DOG WITH US-- SPARTACUS.

IT WAS GREAT ! SPARTACUS WAS A CHIHUAHUA.

THAT SHEDS A TRASH BAG FULL OF HAIR EVERY DAY.

THIS IS ONE PART OF YOUR BOYHOOD TRIP YOU'RE JUST NOT GONNA GET TO RELIVE. NO WAY.

OKAY. VOTE, THEN.

ALL IN FAVOR OF BRINGING BEETHOVEN WITH US, RAISE YOUR HAND.

ALL OPPOSED ?

A TIE.

OKAY, LET'S FLIP FOR IT. NO, WE WON'T.

THE DOG IS NOT GOING. LOOK,

HE'S ALREADY CAUSED US $200 WORTH OF DAMAGE IN THE RV.

NO. AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FEED HIM.

YOU KNOW I'M GONNA END UP CLEANING UP AFTER HIM.

RICHARD, WE'RE GONNA TAKE HIM TO A KENNEL,

AND THEN GEORGE AND ALICE CAN HAVE HIM SHIPPED FROM THERE, OKAY ?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. I UNDERSTAND.