Mum

She's coming.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Oh. Right.

Oh, thanks, Kelly. Oh.

I thought you might not get one so I made it on my break this afternoon.

I might've got a little bit carried away or...

Oh, oh.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Oh, no, that's lovely...

Oh! Oh.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

That's lovely. Thank you.

- She's good, isn't she? - Yeah.

I'm sort of into crafts.

Oh, well, you're very good at it. Thank you so much.

Well, it's fine.

I wasn't expecting a card from you, so...

Oh, sorry...

No, it's cool.

I wasn't expecting one, so it's cool.

Have you been standing there the whole time?

Yep.

Great.

Don't worry. I didn't hear a thing.

I love Valentine's Day, don't you?

Yeah.

You're never too old for a bit of romance.

People nowadays, you know, "make love" till, like,

well into their sixties.

I saw a programme about it. It was disgusting.

Well, not, not, not disgusting but...

I've set up your new iPhone.

Oh, thanks.

It's good you've got that, isn't it?

They're really good for keeping in touch with people

- in different countries. - OK.

Yeah, yeah, that is good.

Yeah.

Hm.

When I said "disgusting",

- I didn't mean the thought of you shagging someone was disgusting. - No?

No! You'd look great doing it.

Especially if you were on top.

Kelly!

What? She would! I'm being nice!

I wouldn't want to watch it.

No? You wouldn't wanna watch me ride a pensioner?

Oh, Mum!

No! No way. No offence but...

You do not want to know the things my ex made me watch.

When I close my eyes I can still see them.

- Can you give me a hand? - Yep.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Oh, come on, come on...

Is it hard being a widow on Valentine's Day?

Erm, a little bit, yeah.

- Kell, are you going to get ready? - Yeah. I'm coming.

I mean, it's just another day, isn't it? But there's lots of memories.

We didn't used to go out, really.

We just used to stay in and watch a film because...

Yeah. I know what you mean.

This one Valentine's Day when I was 15,

and I'd just been dumped by Noel Edmunds...

- A different one. - Oh.

He was in the year above,

and all my other friends were out with their boyfriends,

and my mum was out with Alan, and I was all alone,

and honestly, Cathy, literally, I was this close to killing myself.

Oh, you poor thing.

It's not as bad as you, though, is it?

Kelly, are you getting ready?

Yes! I'm just looking after your mum!

I love coming round here.

Oh, well, it's very nice to have you.

Hmm.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

I was just helping, hanging up some clothes

and telling her about when I got dumped by Noel Edmunds.

Noel Edmonds?

A different one.

Oh.

Oh, fucking hell. Oh...

- I'm not going in there, Derek. - It'll be nice. She's rented a film.

- Come on. - I'm not going in there, Derek.

Come on. Please. We'll just have one drink.

If you make me go in there, I will hide in the bathroom.

I've done it before.

It's Valentine's Day. She's my sister. Come on.

Don't you walk away from me, you turd.

Here she is! Big sis! Haven't you grown?

Happy Valentine's.

- Are you all right? - Yeah. Thanks for coming round.

Oh, don't be silly. It's just another night.

- Isn't it, Pauline? - Yes.

Oh, give her the, erm...

Happy Valentine's Day, Cathy.

Oh! Thank you. Thanks for coming round, Pauline.

No, I'm absolutely thrilled to be here.

Oh, thank you.

This is exactly how I imagined myself spending Valentine's Day(!)

Great.

Oh, Pauline's baked a batch of biscuits so we brought some for you.

What are they?

Rosemary, lavender, liquorice and lime.

Rosemary, lavender, liquorice and lime.

Oh, yum. Come in, come in.

Jason and Kelly will be going out soon

so we can get the food and watch the film.

- You can leave those on if you want. - I know.

Yeah, no, what I mean is you don't need to worry about

getting the carpets dirty.

Oh, I'm not worried.

Right, I'm just going to go and get changed

and then we can order the food.

Lovely.

We've gone out, and we're having dinner.

That's not the same as going out for dinner.

Can one of you sort this out for me? I'm going to get changed.

What is it?

I rented a DVD.

- Did you? - Yeah.

What, from a shop?

Yeah.

Oh Cathy. You're hilarious.

- Who's that? - Do you want me to get it?

Can someone get it? I'm getting changed.

I'll get it!

I'm coming!

Oh, hello. It's Michael, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, come in. Come in.

You should have a coat on, you great big doughnut.

How are you?

Yeah, I'm good, thanks.

Yeah, my arm hurts a little bit.

Oh, dear. Did you bang it?

No. That's what I can't get my head round.

Cathy! It's Michael! He's...

Why are you here?

Yeah, well, I was just popping in.

- Shall I just tell her that or...? - No, you don't need to tell her that.

Cathy! It's Michael!

He's just popping in!

On Valentine's Day!

I'm only kidding.

Oh, hello, Michael. Nice to see you.

Hi. Yeah, I was just... I thought I'd pop in, just...

Oh, hello, Michael, mate.

Hey, Derek. I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight.

I'm an international man of mystery.

Oh, for God's sake, Derek. Stop laughing at yourself.

Just one minute, Michael, sorry.

Kelly, love, can you, erm...?

Can you, can you, can you show me how to get on the web?

- Yeah. - I've spent all this money on this new phone

and I've absolutely no idea what to do with it.

Yeah! I've got one...

Yes, so, Cathy, so you get on the, erm, "web"...

.. by tapping on Safari.

Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah.

- I just press that button and that opens up. - "Button"!

Sorry for laughing, Cathy, but, honestly, "button".

- Could I tell Jason? - Yeah, of course you can.

Jason!

Well, come in. Can I get you a drink?

No! I was... I was just popping in...

Jason!

Your mum just called an icon a button! She just called it...

Are you, OK, Pauline? Can I get you a drink?

Have you got champagne?

Erm, no, sorry. Erm, I've got wine, beer, soft drinks...

No champagne at all?

No.

Not even a little bottle squirreled away somewhere

for some petty celebration?

- Pauline... - I've got wine.

Have some white wine. It tastes the same as champagne.

You actually believe that, don't you?

Jason! Your mum just called it a button!

Then, earlier, she was like, "What's a gigabyte? What's a gigabyte?"

And now she's like, "Press the button! Press the button!"

It's nice, isn't it?

Yeah, it's lovely.

Jason!

Are you calling me?!

It doesn't matter!

Come upstairs if you want to talk to me.

Shouting up the stairs...

It's ridiculous. It's not my fault I can't hear you.

Text me or WhatsApp me, don't just shout at me.

It's not my fault I can't hear you.

"Buttons"!

Honestly, Cathy, it's the 21st century.

There aren't any buttons on phones.

What are they called, then?

Icons.

OK, so what's that at the bottom?

A button.