American Housewife

Ugh, stupid wobbly leg.

I asked your dad to fix this.

Why can't you fix it, Mama?

You're right. I'll get my toolbox.

Fixed.

Hey, buddy.

I made you your favorite breakfast.

You made me poached eggs with salmon?

I made you my favorite breakfast.

I can't eat.

Gina leaves for Deervale today,

so we're officially over.

Forever.

Damn, girl, you're blowing up.

Ever since I broke up with Trip,

all these guys keep texting.

Ryan, Damian, Justin...

Justin?

- Isn't he your teacher? - And friend.

Well, your alarm woke me up again.

We are not holding you hostage.

You're free to move out any time...

this morning, this afternoon, this evening...

now.

Now's fine.

All right, I-I would love to leave, trust me,

but my renters found the black mold

that I was trying to hide with that couch,

and now I have a lawsuit on my hands,

so guess I'm stuck with all of you.

And that stupid dog, sitting in his water dish.

Now Ryan Ricci wants to hang out Saturday,

but Damian already asked me to go to the movies.

Ah, to be young again...

the thrill of potential new love...

I can't stop thinking about Gina.

Little things like when we'd watch horror movies

and she'd hold me when I got scared.

...and the heartache of old.

I remember those days.

I miss the excitement of the ups and downs of romance.

Guess I'll just have to live vicariously through my kids.

I am so sorry, Oliver.

You must be devastated.

Does it hurt like a stabbing pain,

or is it more of a kick to the nads?

Nads.

Now stabbing.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

You guys don't appreciate it because you're young,

but these highs and lows are really exciting.

You and Dad don't have any excitement in your lives?

What? Anna-Kat, why would you think that?

Of course Dad and I have excitement in our lives.

- Okay, don't freak out. - Mm-hmm.

The delivery guy made a mistake.

We didn't get one newspaper this morning.

We got two.

Can you believe?

I mean, it's like... aaaah!

No need to go to Six Flags, Mama,

'cause your life's a real roller coaster.

She's right.

She's a little but she's right.

I overheard that you have an abundance

of gentleman suitors lined up.

Well, I have to say, I am very impressed.

Tell me everything.

Well, Damian and Ryan both asked me out,

and there's this kid from shop class

who keeps winking at me,

but I think that's because

he has light sensitivity.

He had eyelid surgery in middle school, but...

I may have misspoke when I said tell me "everything".

Just tell me which boy you like the best.

They're all nice, but...

I don't know.

Trip and I just broke up.

Shouldn't I take some time off?

No! No, no, no. You're young.

Uh, but don't get tied down...

unless that's something you're into.

Yeah, but even if my mind wasn't on Trip,

I'm not really into any of these guys.

Well, there's got to be someone

you've got a crush on.

I mean, otherwise,

why even show up at school?

I don't know.

Well, there is this one guy.

Pierce.

He's in the musical with me,

he's super nice,

and he was there for me when Trip and I broke up,

but I'm pretty sure he just sees me as a friend.

Ah, well, lucky for you,

I know how to get a guy's attention.

Hi, Greg.

Kathryn, you look refreshed.

Hm.

Creepy, Grandma.

But I'm in.

Okay.

The first step is

to put yourself out there on social media.

You need to publicly flaunt your best life.

You're very lucky that you've got Instagram.

Oh, in my day,

you had to depend on loose morals

and good, old-fashioned word of mouth.

Pierce follows me on Instagram,

but he never really likes or comments on my stuff.

No, you... you've got to stand out in your photos.

- Hmm. - You need to flaunt your best assets.

Now, as a stewardess, I was on my feet a lot,

so my best assets are my toned legs and my abs.

Oh, and my prominent clavicles.

Well, I did get voted best smile.

Well, there you go!

So, no more pouty face.

You just flash that beautiful smile

and Pierce will come running.

Let's do it!

Don't do that. That's my thing.

I've never seen my kids like this.

- Their emotions are all over the place. - Of course they are.

Everything's so meaningful and intense in youth.

At any moment, you can be blindsided by adoration

or crushed by rejection.

I was the exact same way when I was young.

Except the rejection part.

Homecoming Queen as a Sophomore.

I was the perfect combination of hot and mean.

I was unstoppable.

My kids are so emotional, too.

When is science gonna learn to breed that crap out?

I remember when just holding Greg's hand was electric,

like it meant the entire world.

I miss that excitement.

I make sure my marriage never gets stale

by blindsiding Richard every couple weeks.

Last night, I looked up gay porn on his computer

and pretended to be shocked to discover it

in his search history.

I was all...

"Is this what you're doing

when you say you're paying bills?!

Who are you?!"

Epic blowout fight, epic makeup sex.

Your couples' therapy bills

must be insane.

Ah! They were!

Until I accused him of having sex

with our marriage counselor.

Epic blowout fight, epic makeup sex.

The crazy one is right.

Sometimes, you got to shake things up.

All right, I'm gonna pick a fight with Greg,

but I'm gonna do it my way...

by blowing something small way out of proportion.

Stick to what you're good at, you know?

14 blueberries, eight walnuts,

and a pile of muffin

separated and fit for consumption.

Ravioli guts, ravioli skin.

Now, which to eat first?

Why did you dissect your food?

You don't have OCD.

No, but I do have FOMO.

Everything okay, Franklin?

You're itching more than usual today.

Oh, it's probably nothing.

See, it's nothing.

Adult!

I need an adult!

Ooh, now that is a great smile.

- Hmm. - You see?

What are you guys doing?

Grandma's helping me flaunt my best life on social media.

She's full of great advice.

Maybe she can help you out with Gina.

I'm listening.

I know that it's hard to see,

but there will be other girls.

Not like Gina.

That's because she was your first love.

Oh, I remember my first love.

Dan Linker.

Oh, Dan the Man with the shag-carpet van.

Did he break your heart?

No.

No, I dumped him. Hard.

No, I've never actually been broken up with.

Well, obviously.

Found him.

Oh. Dan's on Instagram?

Wow. He looks good.

He looks great!

Oh, and here he is running a marathon,