Two and a Half Men

Previously on...

Hey, Alan, meet my mother, Robin.

Nice to meet you, Alan. Likewise.

I know what I want for Christmas.

Bridget? I can't sign the divorce papers.

I love you, and I want you back.

I want you so badly.

I... want you, too.

I don't think it's a good idea to sleep with you,

since I started seeing someone new, and I think she might be the real deal.

Not that you weren't the real deal; you're just

the ex-real deal, and she's the next real deal.

I can't believe you waited till I was half-naked in your bed

to tell me you were seeing someone else.

Kinda hard to bring up while you're taking off my pants.

Go to hell, you son of a bitch!

That didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

I wouldn't worry about it. She doesn't look like the type to carry a grudge.

* Men...

Oops.

What?

Nothing.

A social media company I invested in just went belly-up.

Oh, no. How much did you invest?

I don't know. About $80 million.

: $80 million...?!

Eh, give or take. Mostly took.

And-And you consider losing that kind of money an "oops"?

Yeah.

No, no, no. "Oops" is when you clip your toenails

too close and they bleed.

"Oops" is when you mistake

toothpaste for lubricant.

"Oops" is when you thought a fart in the elevator

was going to be silent.

You've mistaken toothpaste for lubricant?

Just once.

Stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.

Wait, how do you know it was minty fresh?

Years of yoga and loneliness.

Uh-oh. What?

Ex-wife.

Uh, see, that's the correct use of the "uh-oh."

Hello, Bridget.

Yeah, I just saw.

Yes, I know half the money is yours.

Was yours.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way,

but I'm still the president of the company

and I can invest the money any way I want.

What do you mean, "We'll see about that"?

Well, I can't do that, Bridget.

But apparently, Alan can.

H-Hello? Bridget...

"Uh-oh"?

"Oh, crap."

Oh... crap.

Yeah, that's better.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

you've got your board meeting, but I don't see the point.

The stock of the company is divided between the three of us,

and obviously my mother is going to vote with me.

Are you sure about that?

Of course I am. Right, Mom?

Well darling, you know I love you.

Oh, crap.

The fact is, you have been

burning through a lot of money recently.

It's my money to burn through!

I can't believe you turned my own mother against me.

We're just looking out for everyone's best interest.

Sweetie, no one is against you.

With all due respect, Robin, I'm against him.

Now, I'd like to propose that Walden Schmidt be removed

as president of Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises,

and going forward all financial decisions

will be made by a majority vote of the board.

You're kicking me out of my own company?!

You'll still have a vote on the board.

All in favor. Aye.

Aye. Naaaay!

Motion is passed.

Come on, Mom!

I'm sorry, sweetie, it's for your own good.

Next, I'd like to propose doubling the budget

of the Robin Schmidt Primate Research Center.

Why would we double the bud...? Aye.

Aye. Motion carried.

Oh...

I move that the meeting be adjourned.

Second it.

All in favor. Aye. Aye.

Meeting adjourned.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

This is... this is not over!

I'm gonna get an attorney, and I'm going to fight this!

I thought I was your attorney.

I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, you're out.

* Men...

What do you think, Counselor? Can I fight 'em?

I have a few questions first. Shoot.

Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises?

What do you want from me?

I had a billion dollars and a constant erection.

Fortunately, all you lost in the divorce is the half a billion dollars.

Okay, the first thing I do when I get the company back is change the name.

Yeah, well, be that as it may, the fact remains that as long

as it's just the three of you on the board, they can outvote you.

Aw... But the good news is...

Yay. Let me finish.

According to these bylaws,

you as founder have the unilateral right

to name a fourth person to the board.

And in the case of a tie vote, you also have the right to break that tie.

So, if I put someone on the board and the vote's two-two, I win.

Right.

You are very smart.

It's not just a hat rack.

Great. Hey, do you want to be on the board of my company?

I'll change the name to Walden Loves Zoey, Inc.

Thanks, but I don't think it's a good idea

to mix business and, you know, genitalia.

Okay. Well, will you at least be my lawyer?

Of course.

I'm already screwing you.

* Men.

So basically you have to find a fourth board member who you can totally control.

Like a puppet. A patsy.

A tool. And it would help

if they're not terribly bright when it comes to finance.

Where am I going to find somebody like that?

* You're the one that I want, you're the one that I want *

* Ooh, ooh, ooh

* The one that I want, you're the one that I want *

* Ooh, ooh, ooh...

So, I've narrowed my choices down to two.

* You better shape up Alan?

* 'Cause I need a man

* And my heart is set on you

* Better shape up

* You better understand that my heart...* Alan?

Alan? Oh, golly.

Whatcha doing?

Uh, well, there is a theory that uh... wind resistance

can be reduced by the removal of body hair.

What, are you running a marathon?

Yeah, why else would I be shaving my legs?

Because I like the way it feels? What's up?

How would you like to be on the board of my company?

Oh... Are you kidding? I would like nothing more

than to be on the board of your company.

Good.

Just one question. Yeah?

What exactly does it mean to be on the board of your company?

Basically, all you got to do is vote with me

so I can take back control from my ex-wife and my mother.

Oh, hey, anything I can do

to stick it to ex-wives and mothers, I'm there.

Thanks. Uh, uh... Just out of curiosity,

um, is there an honorarium or a stipend

for members of the board?

Nothing to speak of. Oh.

$50,000 a year.

Sorry.

I'm celebrating out of both ends of my body.

I shudder to think what would have happened

if I'd have said a hundred thousand.

We would've had to drain the tub.

Well, anyway, it's great to know you're on my team.

Oh, absolutely. You can count on me.

Got a lot of wind resistance down there?

Not anymore.

* Men.

* Men.

What's the point of this, Walden?

You know we're just gonna outvote you again.

For your own good, sweetie.

Thanks, Mom. But before we get to voting,

I'd like to introduce you to Zoey Hyde-Tottingham-Pierce,

my new attorney and sex partner.

My card just says "attorney."

What's he doing here?

Wanna tell 'em, Alan?

Mmm. Hold on.

Lox.

Walden put me on the board.

You can't do that!

Oh, but I can.

Sock it to 'em, babe.

These are the corporate bylaws

of... Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises.

I told you I'm gonna change the name.

I call your attention to page five,

paragraph four, subparagraph B.