Archer - Thirteenth Season

Just give it up, Fabian.

Aww, man.

Dang it. This was my year

for the Agent Skills Competition.

I put it on my vision board and everything.

- Next to the sunset? - Above the sunset.

Wow. I can't believe that didn't work.

Well, maybe next time... And I know this sounds crazy...

You could try not sucking.

Well, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Have to? No.

But then I wouldn't be able to tell you

that the Treaty of Versailles called,

and it wants its total failure to achieve any

of its stated goals back.

Also, it's sorry about Europe.

Well, if you're so great, why is your intel so bad?

My name's not Fabian.

Oh, I know that. That's my boss's name.

Yelling it gets me in the mood to shoot people

that I pretend are him.

- Well, you got lucky. - Sure.

Though, in a mirror maze, maybe consider

not putting on a gallon of cologne that smells like...

Gasoline and decaying hobo foot.

- Now what was that for? - You're still wearing it.

Hello, Clandesti-con,

where spying meets sweaty buffet food.

Who wants a brochure for IIA,

the soulless company that is making us do this?

Come on, Lana. Let's have some fun with it.

We'll take these lemons and make...

Concentrated citric acid to spray in our own eyes?

I have some in my purse if you need it.

This isn't so bad. When I temped at IIA,

they were trying to increase productivity,

so they docked your pay if you peed more than twice a day.

Ugh. I hate this company.

Nice job in the competition, Archer.

Though calling your opponent "Fabian" raised eyebrows.

These two specifically.

Well, despite the fact that you're praising me,

which makes it nearly impossible for me

to not like you, I still definitely wanna murder you.

Today is a crucial day for all of you.

We are launching The Agency

as a distinct boutique branch of IIA.

Wait, really? We'll have autonomy?

Yes. Exactly as much autonomy as Kermit the Frog.

Yo, you think Miss Piggy is abusing him?

I know she plays rough, but...

I get the feeling he enjoys it.

Who wouldn't? Roughed up by a pig in jewelry.

No. I mean you'll be a thin piece of fabric

with my hand up your ass.

Where's your sense of wonder?

IIA represents 60% of private spying,

but some clients are too mired in the past.

They want a personal touch. Authenticity.

That's what you lot are for... To fake that.

So pretend we're independent to make IIA more successful

and allow you to ruthlessly exploit us.

Welcome to the concept of a job.

Now, I'm giving the keynote

a speech entitled "Leadership as a Network."

You can't just say "noun as a different noun"

and pretend that it means something.

Sure I can. I call it "language as a weapon."

Now, Archer, you need to win

the Agent Skills Competition

if we're going to launch The Agency properly.

By the way, the board hates the idea.

They'd rather you were completely broken up

and redistributed.

So, Archer, our fate is in your hands.

- Well, sayonara, guys. - Oh, boy.

You know what? I'll be honest with you.

That's a responsibility I take very seriously.

Round of Glengoolie Blues, please.

I'm looking for one of you

to take the mantle of leadership.

Under me, of course. So dot, dot, dot.

Are the dots supposed to make me love stickers?

Damn it! I should be in the competition with Archer!

No, Lana. I need you here,

front and center.

And don't be afraid to get out there

and really be diverse.

Remember, a personal touch.

You heard him, sweetheart.

A personal touch.

Hey, would you like some stickers?

- They're edible. - They don't look edible.

Anything's edible if you try hard enough.

Aww, lucky.

Should we do something?

Like make popcorn? Or what?

Now where is she going?

I think you got me.

See? You just get me. I do feel a responsibility

to keep my mother's legacy alive,

but on the other hand, now I don't have to worry about being

yelled at by the one person in the world who scares me.

So do I go with responsibility, or do I go balls to the wall?

Or, more accurately, balls to the wall

then through that wall into an adjoining wall

that's probably load-bearing.

So... which is it?

I'm thinking.

I thought that was you, Lana.

- Finally. - Robert? What the hell?

Did you just fly all the way to Dubai

to hear me say, "Talk to my divorce lawyer"?

Yes. And was on the way to Abu Dhabi.

Now, I get that I'm the one who's mostly at fault here...

- Mostly? - But you aren't blameless.

And we need to think about what's best for AJ.

Oh-ho-ho. Is that why you nailed that skank?

For AJ? What, were you looking for a parenting book

between her piss flaps?

No. That's not where they keep those.

What are you even worried about?

We signed a prenup.

Well, there is the issue of custody.

Excuse me?

I'm just being realistic.

It was your job that got AJ kidnapped.

To a judge, that sounds like an unsafe environment.

And if they put AJ on the stand,

are you 100% sure she chooses you?

Why do you have teeth marks on your elbow?

I'll show you. Do you like stickers?

I'm sensing you need space.

- What? - Shouldn't you be

back at the booth?

No, because what I do is kick ass.

And I should be in the competition

so I can take over when Archer screws up.

Come, now. Archer is reliable when he needs to be.

He's resting right now for his next round.

Uh, did he specify the type of round?

Whoo-hoo!

I'm not totally convinced that's a downside.

It's like his liver absorbs alcohol and excretes luck.

Having said that, you can stay in the competition.

Thank you. I was going to anyway,

you absolute turd.

But thank you.

The competition is basically a formality.

I'm generally considered the world's greatest spy.

Yes. You absolutely were.

You know, I used to be a spy just like you.

Oh, who'd you spy for, the Etruscans?

Hmm. Indeed.

In this biz, one minute, you're the greatest thing

since the 3:00 p.m. dinner special,

and the next, dog shit on a bun.

My advice? Buy mustard, lad.

Why would I buy mustard to eat myself?

So you think about that.

Ugh. Why are you in such a great mood?

Why don't you ask your face?

My face says Robert's gonna fight for custody of AJ.

Um, can he do that?

Well, when you have that much money,

turns out you can pretty much do anything.

Why is AJ not picking up?

A kid not picking up a phone call?

Weird. Did you try her telegraph?

Or lighting the signal fires of Gondor?

Why is everything so complicated?

Because you're divorcing one of the world's richest men-

slash-ex-boss who wants custody of the daughter you had

- with a different coworker. - Well, sure, but...

All while you work for a corporate behemoth

that seems to be trying to take over the world.

Yes. All of that. I guess.

Well, I discovered the answer to all those problems, Lana.

It's simple, it's easy,

and it's right at the bottom of this glass.

Well, it wasn't at the bottom of that one,

But I'm no quitter.

Behold, an audio bug.

And that's all it does. The wonders of IIA science.

A microphone. Truly groundbreaking...

For 1876.

Hey, what's that new one you're working on called?

The wheel?

Got 'em good, Ikari.

I am working on something called The Wheel!

But it's a sex thing...

that I can't build at work. And you call that justice?

Okay, look, I get it.

IIA might not be the "cool upstart rebel,"

but this ain't The Breakfast Club,

and Judd Nelson doesn't end up with Molly Ringwald.

He ends up at the bottom of a lake wearing concrete shoes

with my frickin' initials on them.

That's the power of IIA with The Agency

as your personal concierge.