How I Met Your Mother

Hey, guys. Hey.

It's freezing out there. Where's your coat?

Ted, I'm canadian. I don't need a coat.

This kind of weather is nothing for me.

Yeah. This is like a spring day back in minnesota,

If it weren't for all the taxis

And the skyscrapers and non-white people.

There aren't any black people in minnesota?

Not if prince is on tour.

Well, my sister's plane got in an hour ago,

Or as a meteorologist might say,

Hurricane heather has just made landfall.

Come on. She's not that bad.

Here's the back of heather's baseball card.

It took her six years

To graduate from three different colleges,

During which time she wrecked two cars,

Got married for five days,

And lived in a tree for nine weeks,

Only to realize that no one had any intention

Of cutting it down.

And now, heather says

She's moving to new york.

Wow, that's big news.

She's never gonna go through with it.

Remember a few years back when she talked about transferring

To nyu? And then,

On the day of the admissions interview...

Heather?

Where's my couch and my tv?

I sold them

For nine inch nails tickets.

The tv alone is worth two grand.

Well, a last-minute plane ticket is expensive.

Wait. Where are you?

Somewhere in spain.

Oh! Gotta go. Slow song.

Oh, crap.

It's barney.

So?

For all the years heather's been visiting new york,

Ted's never let barney meet her.

And I never will.

Every year when the mosby family christmas card shows up...

Pulling down her pants

Yanking off my own

Underneath the mistletoe

I'll make your sister moan

Oh! Heather's hot, Heather's hot

And we'll go all the way...

I wish I could see her naked

I wish I could see her naked

I wish I could see her naked

And down on all fours.

Ted has a little sister

Gets hotter every day

And if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play!

Everybody! Sister, sister, sister!

What? I can celebrate hanukkah, too.

Oh, it's him again.

I should probably get it.

Hey, barney.

Hey. What's on tap for tonight?

Oh, we're heading over to marshall and lily's

For a kathy bates movie marathon,

But not misery.

You wanna join us...?

Oh. He hung up.

Hey. Oh, it's great to see you.

Hey, kiddo. You look great.

How are things back home?

Well, I moved into your old room.

Did you know that you can see

Strange mrs. Gottwald's bedroom across the street?

Oh, yes.

I am aware of that.

How's she looking?

Ted, she's 62.

Answer the question.

Surprisingly perky.

Man, it is cold out there.

Why, hello.

I've been waiting for you.

Wait a second. That's not our chair.

Did you bring that chair yourself?

I needed one that swivels.

Heather mosby...

Barney. Stinson.

Um... How did you even know heather was coming into town?

Never tell me anything!

You know I can't keep secrets around christmas!

Robin's giving you an ipod!

Ted, can I chat with you

For a sec in the kitchen?

No one touch the chair. It's a rental.

I can't believe you've been

Hiding your sister from me all these years.

Do you blame me?

You're like weird al yankovic

If he only wrote christmas songs about banging my sister.

Okay. First of all, I'm flattered.

Secondly, they're just jokes.

A bro can joke about another bro's sister.

It doesn't mean I'm ever gonna act on it.

Look, I love my sister, and as her older brother,

It's my job to protect her from guys like you.

You don't trust me, do you?

No. And I don't trust her either.

Fine. Great.

I guess I'll just... Take my chair and go.

Wait... Stop... Come back...

Lily and I are taking heather out for dinner on sunday.

Do you wanna come?

I already called hurley's and added a fourth.

You really can't tell lily anything.

No, you can't tell her... Jeez.

That year, the holidays

Were really making aunt robin miss canada,

So marshall brought her to the spot he went

Whenever he got homesick

The walleye saloon.

Evening, everybody.

Marshall!

Meet robin.

Robin!

Go back to drinking.

Drinking!

What's up, marshall?

Hey, what's u...? Whoa! Bud!

What's with the hitch in your giddyap?

Oh, I was playing some hockey today.

Tore up something in my knee.

Did you go to the hospital?

Nah. I just poured some beer on it.

Can't miss the vikes game.

Twin cities!

Oh, yeah!

I love the guys here.

They're real men.

No hair products or manicures.

All new york guys are like 10% girl.

Come on. That seems a little unfair.

I'll have the vichyssoise

With just a soupon of crme frache.

Too much dairy and I tend to bloat.

So... I found an apartment today.

Really? Yeah.

And I was hoping you'd have

A little more wine in you before I asked you this, but...

I need you to co-sign the lease.

Let me think about it.

That means he's not going to do it.

I could really use your help on this.

Let's talk about this later, okay?

Don't hold your breath.

What is it?

You don't trust me?

You're my sister.

Now he's just stating a fact.

Look, ted, I am serious about a career in finance, but...

You just keep looking at me like I'm a four-year-old

Who says she wants to be an astronaut.

I just don't think you have any idea

How tough it is to make it in new york.

Exactly. You need connections.

If only ted knew someone who worked at, say...

Goliath national bank,

Then... Wait.

What?

I work at goliath national bank.

How 'bout that?

All right.

We got two bemidji pale ales

And... Who ordered the mini-burgers?

Me.

Is that fisherman's quest? Mm-hmm.

I used to play fq all the time back home!

Oh, yeah? I kinda have high score.

Not to brag, but

I caught... Oh...

A 35-inch northern pike.

The biggest video fish anyone's ever reeled in.

I mean... Freshwater.

A tip of the angler's cap, my friend.

Thank you for bringing me here.

Uh! Those are mine.

This is not a good idea.

Heather and barney alone in his office?

And I certainly don't want to be on the hook for her lease.

She is growing up. You just can't see it yet.

We're talking about a girl who was busted for shoplifting

Eight months ago.

Ted, a lot of women

Go through a shoplifting phase.

And sure, maybe to this day, they swipe

The occasional smaller item because it turns them on

In a weird way that they can't quite explain.

But...

If it'll make you feel better,

I-i'll tag along to gnb tomorrow.