The PHD movie (The PHD movie: Piled Higher and Deeper)

So...?

Well, professor, I was hoping I could talk to you about your research?

What for? It's all on my webpage.

Yeah...

Well, sir, I'm a first-year masters student,

and I was hoping I could do a Ph.D. in your research area--

And you want me to fund you and be your thesis advisor.

Yeah, uh, here's all the work I've done. As you can see, I have some ideas--

Yeah. Listen, let me tell you how this works.

Being a Ph.D. student, working with an professor,

it's a lot like a marriage.

Whole thing typically lasts five to seven years,

fifty percent of them end in a bitter divorce,

and it all culminates in a big ceremony

where you walk down the aisle wearing a fancy gown.

But sir, I--, I joined this program specifically to work in your research group.

I mean, I graduated at the top of my class--

Well that's nice-- So did the other seven master's students

waiting outside my door right now.

You're in the upper echelons of academia now.

Very few make it to the top.

Like a pyramid scheme?

Well it is pyramidal in shape, yes.

This may sound cruel, but we in academia,

we stand at the cutting edge between humanity and the great abyss.

Between ignorance and truth.

Who else are you going to trust to tell you the difference?

The politicians?

Wall Street? The media? Please.

Well, but sir, what if I can't find a professor who will take me?

If you're that desperate to work in a lab,

I suppose our floors could use a good mopping.

Well I mean, what if I don't make it as Ph. D. student? What am I gonna do?

I don't have a backup plan.

I suppose you could try, uh, a lesser institution?

MIT, perhaps?

What I'm saying is,

maybe you should look around a little.

Morning, Tajel!

Hey, Cecilia-- Goodness gracious, what are you wearing?

What, this? It's my favorite shirt! I got it free my freshman year.

It reminds me of a simpler time,

of my dream to come to grad school and make a difference with my research.

So, what happened to that dream?

It's stained and crumbling, kinda like this shirt.

Are you going to a rally?

Yes. Today we're protesting poor living conditions

for an underprivileged and exploited minority.

Sounds serious. Who is it?

Us! Graduate students!

Did you know that it pays more to work at McDonalds

than to get a Ph.D. from a major university?

Wow. Is that true?

Totally. I read it on Wikipedia.

Hey! Today's my first day as a teaching assistant for Professor Chu's class.

Oh really? I thought you were fully funded already.

True, I don't have to TA, but I'm really excited about it.

I watched Dead Poet's Society last night for inspiration.

You know that movie doesn't end well.

That's why I came to grad school--to make a difference,

to challenge young minds and inspire them.

Anyways, at least it'll look good when I apply for faculty positions.

They value teaching experience...right?

Maybe it's time for a new shirt.

Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late. The last meeting I was at ran over a little bit.

I'm really sorry.

I'm so happy to meet you. Can you tell me about yourself?

Oh, uh, Professor, I was hoping that I could talk to you about your research?

Okay. Good.

Yeah, I've-- um, I--, I was hoping that--

" -- maybe we might be able to --"

Marcy! You know I'm in a meeting.

Oh, ok. Ohh, D. C. tomorrow! Ok. Just a moment.

Okay.

I don't have time!

"Oh! Right! Yes, I'll be right there. "

Welcome everybody. I'm Professor Chu.

For this class, your T. A. is Cecilia,

one of my best and brightest students!

She is being considered for a faculty position at Berkeley right now.

Ok. Computer Science: how did we get away with calling it science?

Um, hello Professor. Um, uh, I was taking a look

at some of your papers, and I think that I might...

...be able...uh...

Who are you?

Oh, I'm uh-- I'm uh, a grad student--

...and I, uh...

Back in my days, we did not have sixty-four bits.

Not even six bits. We barely had one bit.

And, we did all experiments--everything!--with zero only.

And, it upsampled both ways, left and right.

Yes, I would love to take you as my Ph. D. student.

Really?

Absolutely. Your coursework and experience are perfect for my research interests.

Well that, uh, that's great. I cannot tell you how hard--

Unfortunately, I just got denied tenure.

What?

They're kicking me out! I guess getting published

in the journal Science and landing a fifteen-million-dollar contract

isn't enough around here.

But--

Ok, granted, it was only the Letters section, and I was

the fourteenth co-author on that grant.

Anyways, I'm moving to the middle of the country

to work for a third-tier institution.

I can bring you with me if you like!

Um...?

Uh, Miss T. A.?

Oh, just call me Cecilia.

Uh, yeah. Hey, can I get an extension?

On what?

The homework...

We haven't assigned any yet. It's the first day of class.

Oh, um, then can I get an extension on the extension?

I suppose... Why? Is something the matter?

Uhh...well, I'm just kind of, uh...

...super busy right now. I've got, uh, classes and stuff.

Yeah, of course. No problem. I'm here to help you guys.

"Oh captain, my captain!"

Yeah.

Hey, uh, can I get an extension?

I guess--are you super busy too?

Yeah, kinda. My boyfriend just proposed to me!

And we all went out to celebrate.

So now I'm way too excited to go to class.

Uh, okay.

Cool, thanks!

Can I also maybe get an extension because I am very very very hungry...

Hey, Dad. Yeah, uh, grad school's going...great.

Yeah, I'm actually doing an independent study for a professor.

It's called, "Workspace Augmentation of Photon Impingement Through Impurities Removal"

Technically, it means that I'm paying the university

to do free work for them.

Yeah, but Professor Smith says that if I do a good job

he might tentatively consider possibly thinking about

taking me on as a Ph. D. student.

How long before I finish my Ph. D.?

Uh, well... Yeah, yeah, I know you told all your friends

I was gonna be a doctor.

You didn't tell them I was gonna be a medical doctor, did you?

"Yeah? --Are you Mike Slackenerny?"

Maybe--who's asking?

I'm a new student with Professor Smith's lab

and they told me to come talk to you?

Ah, new guy. Hold a sec.

Let's go.

Okay, the first lesson in being a Ph. D. student

is learning about the most important thing in a Ph.D. student's life.

It surrounds us, it binds us,

flows through us, and gives us life.

You mean, the Force?

The free food!

Okay, act casual.

Is this food for us?

Nah, it's for the Special Relativity Seminar,

but they're always losing track of time.

You want some?

No thanks.

You see, free food's about a lot more than just getting a free meal.

It's about opportunity,

and how you're wasting it coming to grad school

instead of getting a real job and earning a decent living.

Did you know there are over

five thousand janitors in this country with a Ph. D.?

So you might as well eat the free food--am I right?

Welcome to the Smith Lab.

Uh, don't I need a labcoat?

Suit yourself.

So, do you feel more science-y now?

Yeah, I picked the only labcoat that seems clean.

Ah, that's Professor Smith's.

Won't he need it when he works at the lab, though?

Oh man. Let me introduce you around the group.

That's Carlos.

'Sup.

That's Deva. He already has a Ph. D. from his home country,

but the only job he could get there was as a taxi driver.

The tips are better here!

That's Sean, but everybody calls him Golden Boy.

Guys, I keep telling you--I'm not Professor Smith's favorite.

Ask him what he did last weekend.

I went hiking with Professor Smith.

What?

And that's Allison. She's #2 on the lab hierarchy.

Basically, I do all the crap around here nobody else wants to do.

The lab motto is:

"Why do something today,

when you can get Allison to do it for you tomorrow?"

So, uh, how's your research going?

Don't you know you're never supposed to ask a grad student that question?

It's just rude.

Uh, how's your thesis going?

Come on, why don't you just ask her weight and age while you're at it? Gosh!

This is the fume hood, a.k.a. the community storage closet.

That chemical will kill you instantly.

That one will kill you eventually.

That one will dissolve all the bones in your body.

And don't even look at that one if you're ever planning on having kids.

And those two--uh-oh--should not be that close together.

And this is The Machine.