Diary of an Uber Driver

- Thank you so much for doing this. - Oh, no worries at all.

You guys are doing me a favour.

- Mum! - I'm going to give you Greg's keys.

- Um, I've left another set in the bedside drawer. - Mum!

Oh great.

Um, I've left instructions for Meg's food on the fridge

but basically it's just a scoop of dry food at six,

and she can have liver paste on weekends.

Friday night liver paste. Party time.

Mum!

- Mum! Mum! - Ah, yes, Max?

Who's that guy?

Oh, um, so this is Ben, sweetie.

He's taking care of Meggy while we're away.

Ah, what else?

Um, oh, eat anything you can find in the fridge,

otherwise it'll just go off.

A- wesome, awesome, thank you.- OK.

So how did you get such a good rating, by the way?

I mean, you have way more reviews than anyone else on the site.

Yeah, right.

Ah, well, at the moment I'm trying to save a little bit of money

so when I found a website

where people let you house sit for free, I was like, sweet.

I'll just break my lease and do this instead.

So, yeah, stacked a heap of good reviews already.

About three places this month alone actually, so...

So you broke your lease?

Yeah. Yep.

Sorry, are... are you home...

- Well... - Do you not have a home?

I'm... I'm joking, Tess.

Yeah, I travel down from Brisbane a lot for work.

Oh, thank God.

Sorry, for a second there I thought you were mental.

- Nope. - Tess, where's my Kindle?

It's in the office.

I'm in the office and I can't see it.

Hey, Max.

How're you doing, mate?

You alright? I like your t-shirt.

I'm more into Iron Man myself.

No hard feelings though, I hope?

Will you sleep in my room?

Ah, yeah.

Yeah, if that's OK with you, I can sleep in your room.

That sounds awesome.

- Mum! Mum! - No, no.

- No, no, it's OK. Shh! - Mum! Mum!

It's alright. I won't sleep there. I can sleep anywhere.

- Mum! Mum! - Oh, look, let's get some keys.

- How cool are keys? - Mum!

- It's OK. Don't... - Mum!

- Alright, we're gonna wait. - Mum!

- Mum! - Tess!

Mum! Mum!

Mum!

Your house is too big, mate.

Mum!

- Tess! - Mum!

Mm, I like it, but I think prefer the first version,

so can we go back?

OK, no problem.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hey, hi.

How are you?

Um, good. I'm at work.

Cool, cool.

- What's up? - Oh, ah, just double-checking.

I'm still taking you to the gestational diabetes test

- next Wednesday? - Yeah.

Awesome. Awesome. Can't wait.

Yeah, oh, you don't need a lift home from work today maybe?

No, I am all good.

OK, sweet.

Um... I gotta go.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

OK, bye.

Wait, wait, wait. Beck.

- Beck? - What?

Yoga.

Yeah, what about it?

- It is good for pregnancy. - OK.

I just thought that it might be something

we could possibly do together.

- Um... - I already do yoga.

- You know that. - Oh, that's right.

Yeah, no, I must have... I must have forgotten that.

That's right.

Would you like to come to yoga with me, Ben?

Yeah. If you want me to.

OK, sure. It's Tuesday night. 80 bucks.

Is that Australian dollars?

It's a small class.

OK.

Um...

I can pay for you.

Actually, ah, I just remembered, I can't.

On Tuesday night I'm, um, learning, how to swim.

- You already know how to swim, Ben. - Refresher course. I'm just...

- I gotta go. - Wait, Beck. Beck.

- Beck. - What?

I just need you to let yourself be helped.

Beck!

Excuse me, Sarah Cummings,

would you like to come to this show with me on the weekend?

Yes, Nina Walton, I might possibly want to do that.

It's called The Male Glaze,

and it is a Feminist Ceramics Exhibition.

Well, yes, please, Nina.

I think I would like to go to Male Glaze,

a Feminist Ceramics Exhibition with you.

Well, this is excellent news, Sarah.

I think it's going to be a lot of fun.

We are gonna have a great time.

I would also like to say that you have beautiful hair

and I am in love with you.

Whoa, OK.

Well, to be honest, think you may have misread the signals here.

Mm.

Dale, my boyfriend, is sitting right there.

No!

OK, my mistake.

Fair enough.

Very embarrassing for me.

Dale, I apologise.

As an olive branch I'd also like to invite you to the art show.

- No thanks. - OK.

That's a no from Dale.

Driver, would you like to come?

Yes, please.

I'd love to go to Male Glaze,

a Feminist Ceramics Art Exhibition with you.

Thank you, driver. You are very kind.

And you also have a lovely broad back

and I am in love with you.

No, Nina, again.

Think you may have misread the signs there.

No.

Just because someone wants to go with you to the art show doesn't...

Doesn't mean we're in love.

It's very confusing, isn't it?

Well, fine.

I guess I'll just have to return those gifts

I bought for you guys then.

OK, and what gifts were they?

Diamonds, Sarah. Motherfucking diamonds.

- Oh, sounds expensive. - Blood diamonds.

Wow, OK. Well, that is pretty controversial.

- Yeah. - Wait. When is this thing?

Ah, it is on Saturday.

Dale's keen.

No, we have Joe's barbecue.

Oh.

OK.

Ah, do I really have to go to that?

Yes. It's his birthday.

OK, but I barely even know him.

Well, he's my best friend, Sarah.

What?

No, he's not.

- Since when is Joe your best friend? - He's like a brother to me, Sarah.

Well, shit.

Guess I have to go to Dale's best friend's birthday.

That's cool.

I guess it'll just be me and broad back driver.

Ah, is this alright, guys?

- Yeah, I'm jumping out here. - We're not.

Why are you always like that with her?

- Like what? - Like... different.

- What are you talking about? - It's annoying.

You're being ridiculous.

You know, you become different

when I hang out with my friends too, Dale.

- Like, do I? - Yeah.

Right. How's that, Sarah?

You become a dick.

OK. Cool.

Thanks for that, Sarah. Forget that it's always my fault.

Really eased the mood in here. Great conflict resolution.

Did you find us annoying, driver?

- No, not at all. - He has to say that.

But what about this, Lynda?

If you were to learn that I was made of rubber

and you were made of glue,

and everything you said just bounced off me and stuck to you,

would or could that change your opinion on all of this?

Well, Julie, I could run the tests again with that in mind.

However, my instinct from a medical point of view

is that the results would be the same.

I would still have cancer, you think?

I'm afraid so, yes.

But you wouldn't, which is excellent.

- Sorry, Julie? - Yeah?

- Just need to, um... - Oh, sorry? Yeah, of course. Sorry.

How's your day going, Julie?

Oh, you know, say just short of perfection.

- It's all peaking today, huh? - Mm-hm.

- Headed back to work? - I am.