Clinger

Shit, fuck!

God damn it!

My God, my God, are you all right?

I'm fine.

I think you dislocated your shoulder.

I was about to break my P.R.

Damn it!

I... I think I should call 911.

I'm training for an important meet.

I have to keep going.

Absolutely not.

I need you to pop it in.

Like, I can't do that.

It's a slow and steady pull, directly away from my body,

without any sudden movements.

I-I-I-...

Do it on three.

Okay, I-I can do this.

I can do this.

One, two, three.

My God!

I'm Robert.

I'm Fern.

Yeah, I know.

I... I sit behind you in fifth period chem.

Wanna hang out on Friday, Robert?

I was hoping you would ask me.

Wanna hook up in my car?

With who?

Is it the guy from the car wash?

Or is it the guy who wears his hat backwards?

Or is it that guy from your school

who had that thing for me?

Kelsey, don't you have anything better to do?

No, I'm on my vacation days.

It's a-it's a perk of being unemployed-self-employed.

'Kay.

Well, use a condom.

Bye, sis.

Hey, Fern, it's me, Robert.

I'm thinkin' maybe I may throw a party sometime,

like at my house, with all my friends.

I got friends, a lot of em'.

Hey.

Robert, are you taking another long shower?

No, Mom!

Fern Petersen...

Robert, will you...

Will you be my girlfriend?

Wait, is he supposed to ask that?

Hey, Robert.

Fern, you look amazing.

Thanks.

So how far are we gonna go tonight?

I d...

That's not what I meant to say.

I meant to say how far are we gonna drive

because I have to be home by 11.

I have practice tomorrow.

Actually, we don't have to drive anywhere.

You know, I think my favorite thing about you, Fern,

is how graceful you are.

This is a work in progress.

As long as you'll be my first boyfriend.

Yeah.

Hey.

Christian Singles Magazine says you have to be sexy

and spontaneous.

And don't forget to swallow...

-Moe. -Your pride,

because relationships are about compromise.

I'm so happy for you, Fern.

Eskimo.

Do you wanna have sex soon?

Soon would be nice.

Well, I just don't know if we're ready and

I want our first time to be

perfect. Perfect.

I know. It will be.

Because you're perfect.

Happy one month anniversary.

Happy one month and one week anniversary.

-I love you beary much. -Happy one month

and three week anniversary.

I love you beary much.

It's what our kid will look like.

I made it on the internet.

He seems like the perfect boyfriend.

For the love of God, break up.

I mean, I see what he was trying to do.

Fern, where do you see yourself in a year?

At MIT, running for the track team,

and studying neuroscience.

See, you're gonna be miles apart from each other

and you won't want Mister Crazy latched onto you.

By the way, which of these socks puppets do you think

better exudes professionalism?

The blue one.

But Robert has perfect eyebrows.

And he has an enormous, throbbing heart.

I want a guy like that.

I'm the sister here, I give the advice,

and you are not helping.

I'm sorry.

Anyway, if you wanna go to MIT,

you can't be tied down.

But, I mean, should I break up with?

Should I keep it going? Should I keep it going and then break up with him?

I mean, how is this supposed to work?

It's like when Mom and Dad say,

"Kelsey, why don't you have a job?"

And I say, "If I had a job,

"I could never become a billionaire entrepreneur."

You have to stick to your plan, no matter what.

Robert, she's going to love it.

It sure is swell, kiddo.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

Hey, check this out.

Robert, it looks a little dangerous.

Yeah, that's my name.

Damn it.

I wrote that last year when I sat behind you

in Ms. Gerritt's class.

That's so sweet, Robert.

I actually have one more thing to show you.

Wait here.

Wait, Robert, I have to tell you something.

I know what you're gonna say.

And I've been wanting to say it, too, for the longest time.

Fern Petersen, I love you!

I think we should break up!

Wait, what?

My God!

We're so sorry for your loss.

We brought you some lasagna.

Thank you.

Do you remember how Robert used to sit in class?

He would always raise his hand,

like he was trying to tell us something.

He was trying to tell us something.

And then he would be at his locker...

getting books.

You're so eloquent, Jenny.

Fern, I am so sorry for your loss.

If you ever need a best friend,

I am always here for you.

Thanks.

Didn't you wear that dress at formal?

It's so cute.

You should say something to his parents, Fern.

You killed him, Fern.

It was all your fault.

He died for you, Fern.

Fern?

You know, funeral etiquette.

What?

Fern.

You were the one.

The one.

He really was a good guy.

You know what you need?

A rebound.

Kelsey, it's been a week.

Shit.

This week has gone by slow.

Everyone's wearing black armbands for Robert.

Robert's in Heaven now,

playing angel games with his angel friends.

Keep your chin up.

Eskimo.

So, you doin' okay?

Not really, no.

Sorry, that was a dumb question.

But if you ever need anything, just let me know.

Psyched for game day, man?

Yeah.

Hey, listen, you know, I'm sorry about Ronald.

My turtle died last week,

so I know exactly how you feel.

I'll see you around, Fern.

See you, Harlan.

If you slow down, I swear to God

I will scream loudly in your face.

Sorry, Coach Valeria.

Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to yourself.

Sorry, Fern.

Much better.

How much time do I have to cut for a shot at the MIT team?

At least five seconds off your 400.

I'll get it down.

I know.

And sorry about your dead boyfriend.

Side hug.

Maybe I'll see him lingering around somewhere.

Sounds like he had a tragic death.

What?

Never mind.

I made you macaroni with bacon bits,

because when I was a cook in the Marines