Empty Nest

DON'T TOUCH THE PHONE.

I AM WAITING FOR A GUY TO CALL.

OH, IS THIS A REAL GUY,

OR ARE WE STILL HOPING FOR THAT MIRACLE WRONG NUMBER?

JUST DON'T TOUCH THE PHONE.

- I HAVE AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL TO MAKE.

- NO, YOU HAVE BEEN ON THE PHONE ALL DAY.

- FINE. YOU WANT THE PHONE, CAROL?

YOU CAN HAVE IT.

- I'M HOME. MY DREYFUSS, MY PAL.

GIVE ME THE PAW, YEAH.

- DADDY, CAN I TALK TO YOU? - I NEED TO TALK TO HIM FIRST.

- IS THIS SOMETHING I SHOULD SCOLD DREYFUSS FOR?

- NO. BARBARA DID IT.

CAROL STARTED IT.

- OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE, BAD DAUGHTERS.

GOOD DOG.

I WAS EXPECTING A CALL.

- I CAN USE THE PHONE TOO. I LIVE HERE.

- GIRLS, PLEASE, I HAD A ROUGH DAY HERE.

IT'S BEEN HOSPITAL COMMITTEE MEETINGS.

IT'S THE FLU SEASON,

AND MRS. LUNDQUIST WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE

ABOUT HIRING A NEW PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR.

- I THOUGHT THE HOSPITAL HAD A P.R. DIRECTOR.

MR. HOPKINS LEFT.

HE HAD A FALLING OUT WITH UROLOGY.

IT'S A LONG STORY.

ANYWAY, IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE THE HOSPITAL BOARD

STUCK ME WITH THE JOB OF REPLACING HIM,

AND I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND ANYBODY YET.

IT'S TAKING UP ALL MY TIME.

DADDY, WHAT ABOUT ME?

THE COMPANY I WORK FOR DOES SOME P.R.

- I THOUGHT YOUR COMPANY MADE STAIN REMOVERS.

- WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO PROMOTE THAT STUFF.

I WAS THERE WHEN THEY CAME UP WITH "ROSE WINE AWAY."

I HELPED WITH THE PRESS RELEASES.

I EVEN WROTE SOME OF THE RADIO SPOTS.

REMEMBER ELAINE, THE TALKING STAIN?

THAT WAS MINE.

- OH, WELL, WE REALLY DON'T FIND MUCH CALL

FOR THAT KIND OF STUFF AT THE HOSPITAL.

WITH THIS HOSPITAL JOB,

I COULD START BUILDING A CAREER FOR MYSELF.

- OH, HONEY, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

I MEAN, I WISH YOU HAD A LITTLE MORE EXPERIENCE,

AND I FEEL FUNNY ABOUT RECOMMENDING MY OWN DAUGHTER.

- DADDY, I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE,

BECAUSE I THINK I CAN SEE WHAT IT IS.

YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME A STRONGER PERSON

BY NEVER HELPING ME OUT.

- OH, COME ON. I DON'T DO--

ALL RIGHT, NO. YOU'RE RIGHT.

NO, LET'S GO FOR IT.

I MEAN, AFTER 20 YEARS OF HOPKINS,

THE HOSPITAL COULD USE SOMEBODY WITH A FRESH APPROACH.

I'M GOING TO CALL MRS. LUNDQUIST

AND TALK TO HER ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

DADDY?

- OF COURSE I MAY HAVE TO CLIMB A POLE.

MY SHIP IS IN.

IT'S AN ANCIENT TRADITION

THAT WHEN A SAILOR COMES HOME FROM THE SEA,

TWO LOVELY LADIES LICK THE SALT OFF.

- SO NOW IN ADDITION TO ALL YOUR OTHER FAULTS,

YOU'RE HIGH IN SODIUM.

OKAY, FORGET THAT.

I GOT BIGGER FISH TO FRY. I GOT A PROBLEM.

CAN YOU SAVE IT, CHARLEY?

WE ARE WAITING FOR SOME IMPORTANT NEWS.

- SO ANYWAY, THIS NEW CAPTAIN HAS TAKEN OVER THE CRUISE SHIP,

CAPTAIN BURKE.

HE'S A STRICTLY BY-THE-BOOK GUY,

AND HE'S CRAMPING MY STYLE.

NO MORE FRATERNIZING WITH THE WOMEN PASSENGERS,

NO MORE PUSH-UP LIFE JACKETS,

NO MORE GLASS-BOTTOMED DECK CHAIRS.

ALL HE THINKS ABOUT IS STEERING THE SHIP,

STEERING THE SHIP.

SO HE'S LOOKING FOR A NEW CHIEF PURSER.

I'M IN THE RUNNING, BUT I NEED A FAVOR.

WHAT KIND OF FAVOR?

I WANT TO SHOW CAPTAIN BURKE

THAT I'M A CONSERVATIVE FAMILY MAN.

I NEED A LADY TO PRETEND TO BE MY STRAITLACED FIANCEE.

SO WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS TO DO IT?

SORRY, I CAN ONLY TAKE ONE OF YOU.

CAROL WOULD BE BEST.

SHE'S CONSERVATIVE, MORE MATRONLY,

NONE OF THAT THREATENING SEXUALITY.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.

I WAS HAVING A LYNCHING FANTASY.

BARBARA.

- CHARLEY, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

DID I MENTION THERE'S

A FREE CRUISE TO ARUBA IN IT FOR YOU?

I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A CRUISE.

- WHITE SANDS, CRYSTAL BLUE WATERS,

BRONZE NATIVE MEN.

DONE.

CHARLEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- NOT MUCH, BUT YOUR DAUGHTER THERE

IS THE FUTURE MRS. CHARLEY DIETZ.

BAD DAUGHTER.

- DADDY? - YES, DEAR?

- WELL... - WELL, WHAT?

- DADDY.

YOU START TOMORROW.

- I GOT IT!

"AND I HOPE THAT WE CAN LET BYGONES BE BYGONES

"AND REESTABLISH A PLEASANT RELATIONSHIP

"BETWEEN THIS OFFICE AND UROLOGY.

SINCERELY, CAROL WESTON, DIRECTOR OF PUBLIC RELATIONS."

DOES THAT SOUND PROFESSIONAL ENOUGH?

NO, I SHOULDN'T ASK YOU THAT.

I SHOULD KNOW. SHOULDN'T I?

NO, DON'T TELL ME. I SHOULD KNOW THAT TOO.

SORRY. FIRST DAY JITTERS.

CAROL WESTON'S OFFICE.

OH, ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

IT'S THE ASSISTANT TO THE MAYOR.

OOH, THAT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

ISN'T IT?

OKAY, THE MAYOR'S ASSISTANT.

WHAT DO I SAY?

HELLO.

HELLO IS A GOOD THING TO SAY.

HELLO.

YES.

YES, I UNDERSTAND THAT THE MAYOR IS A BUSY MAN,

BUT IT WOULD BE HELPFUL TO THE HOSPITAL

AND OUR MANY, MANY VOTING EMPLOYEES

TO HAVE HIM ATTEND THE FUNDRAISER NEXT WEDNESDAY.

OH, SO THE MAYOR WILL BE THERE.

WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING HIM.

YES. BYE.

OH-WHEE!

DADDY.

WHOA.

NOT A BAD START.

ON THE JOB ONLY TWO HOURS,

YOU'VE GOT THE MAYOR COMING TO A HOSPITAL FUNCTION.

- DADDY, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS JOB.

I AM GOING TO CHANGE THE IMAGE OF THIS HOSPITAL,

HUMANIZE IT, GIVE IT HEART.

AS IT IS NOW, WHEN PEOPLE THINK OF THIS PLACE,

THEY THINK, "THIS IS WHERE I GO TO DIE."

- YEAH, WELL, WE TRIED THAT AS OUR MOTTO,

BUT IT NEVER REALLY STUCK.

- MS. WESTON, CHANNEL 8 JUST CALLED

TO SAY THEY'LL BE COVERING POKO THE CLOWN'S VISIT TODAY.

CHANNEL 8 IS COMING?

DADDY, I CALLED THEM AS A LONG SHOT, BUT THEY'RE COMING.

I MEAN, THIS IS SUCH A COUP.

- THIS IS WONDERFUL, AND IT'S FOR POKO THE CLOWN.

- YES, WE'RE HAVING HIM DEDICATE THE NEW CHILDREN'S WING.

- OH, MY KIDS LOVE POKO THE CLOWN.

"HEY, I'VE GOT A RACCOON IN MY PANTS."

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

NO, THAT'S POKO'S FAMOUS LINE.

THEN HE GOES INTO THE RACCOON IN MY PANTS DANCE.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD HAVE MISSED THAT.

IT MUST NOT HAVE BEEN IN HIS BIO.

- MS. WESTON, MRS. LUNDQUIST IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

SEND HER IN, ANN,

AND WOULD YOU PULL THAT CLOWN FILE FOR ME AGAIN?

HI, HARRY.

CAROL, HERE'S THE PUBLICITY BUDGET FOR THE NEXT FISCAL YEAR.

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEE IT.

THANK YOU.

OH, AND, MRS. LUNDQUIST,

CHANNEL 8 WILL BE COVERING POKO'S VISIT HERE TODAY.

I'M VERY IMPRESSED.

CAROL, YOU'RE DOING A TERRIFIC JOB.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, DADDY?

SHE'S IMPRESSED.

YOO!

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS BABY GOING.

NOW, ISN'T THIS JUST PERFECT?

HELLO, LAVERNE.

- I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER THIS DAMN HOSPITAL FOR YOU.

- I JUST DROPPED BY TO SAY HELLO.

WE GOT WORK TO DO.

I CHECKED

THE CANDY MACHINE, YOUR CAR,

THE MEN'S ROOM.

BY THE WAY, DR. FORD GOT HIMSELF A NICE NEW PAIR OF SHOES.

OH.

NOW LET'S GET OUR STORIES STRAIGHT

ABOUT WHAT WE DID LAST WEEKEND.

YOU WERE MAKING PEACH COBBLER

WHILE I WAS HELPING SOME AMISH PEOPLE RAISE A BARN.

- CHARLEY, I'M STARTING TO HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS.