M*A*S*H

We need blood, damn it,

lots of it and then some.

I had to get rid of every drop we had in stock.

You heard right, Captain.

Couple of boys we treated turned up later with hepatitis,

and you don't catch that sitting in a draft.

Well, if you can't do anything,

put me on to someone who can,

someone with a little authority, Captain!

Who's this?

Sergeant Frankle? Peachy.

Sergeant, I've told everyone else.

I'll tell you.

The 4077th is out of blood.

We're squeezing turnips here.

All my personnel have donated at least twice.

Dracula couldn't find a quick snack

around these parts.

Colonel, you're either gonna have to get us some blood

or call off the war.

We're doling it out by the corpuscle now.

Hold on, Pierce. I'll wait, Sergeant.

I just gave that Turkish captain another ten units,

bringing his grand total up to 30.

That's a complete oil change in 24 hours.

I'm trying to order some. Tie up your horses.

I am‐‐ We might need 'em as donors.

Yes, Sergeant. What?

Which flunky am I talking to now?

Oh, excuse me, Colonel,

but I've been getting the royal runaround.

I appreciate you boys are low down there,

but this is an emergency.

I'm not asking. I'm begging.

And I'm threatening!

Colonel, if there aren't 100 units delivered by tonight,

the boys and I are gonna come down there

and alter the pants on all your dress uniforms.

You gotta reason with these guys.

Hello?

Good job, Pierce. He hung up.

Did he leave his inseam?

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.

Triage team report to the evac bus.

That's not what I ordered.

I.V. for him. He's in shock.

Get him right into pre‐op.

‐Just once I'd like to see a few empty seats. ‐Or an empty bus.

Hey, whoa! Take it easy, fella!

Come on, come on. Take it easy.

‐Hey, let me help you there, Doc. ‐Hey, hey!

‐Hey, hey, Nessen! ‐I could use a wrestler, but you'll do fine.

Hey, Nessen, take it easy.

It's me, Moody. Come on.

Doc here is gonna help you, okay?

That's it.

Where'd you come down from?

Munsan. About 20 miles north.

It was a town until last night.

I'd hate to be the guy who makes the maps around here.

You know it.

Haven't you been a guest in this hotel before?

Six months ago.

Yeah, I remember.

You offered to stuff me in my duffel bag.

Jerris Moody.

How you been, Captain Pierce?

Okay. Litter!

Start a whole blood I. V.

‐This one can wait. ‐Great.

Able, give me a hand with this litter.

I thought you'd be proudly serving in the stockade by now.

Yeah, first impressions can fool you.

Mine was you hated everybody and everything.

Yeah, I guess I did,

but lately I haven't had time to do anything

except keep myself and my buddies alive.

You're a different guy, huh?

Yeah, I'm a regular Florence Nightingale.

For Pete's sake, why are you just standing around?

‐Can't we get moving here? ‐Sure, Nurse.

Would you help us move this guy into pre‐op?

Nurse! You're talking to a major.

Oh, sorry.

Would you help us move this guy into pre‐op, Major?

Litter!

This kid's back is covered with shrapnel.

I feel like a prospector.

Pierce, do you always have to talk while you work?

You're right, Frank. Nurse, from now on I'll blink my left eye

for a clamp, my right eye for a sponge,

and when I wiggle my ears,

that means meet me under a jeep in half an hour.

Yuck, yuck, yuckety, yuck.

Quiet, Frank. We're working.

Quiet, all of you! I've got a bullet near the heart.

I don't need all this hubbub.

Shh!

Get him to post‐op.

600,000 units of Procaine penicillin every six hours.

That's the easy part. Now I gotta tell him I removed his leg.

Start it off with, "Son, you're alive."

Well, break's over.

Orderly! Give me some more light there.

Tilt it‐‐ tilt it up.

Clamp.

That's enough! That's enough!

Gloves.

Nurse, there are pits in my orange juice!

Can we get a surgeon to remove those pits?

I'll do it. Nurse, strainer!

I've had it with you crumbs.

Eighteen hours of slaving over these wrecks.

I got better things to do with my time.

Shut up, Burns! Clamp.

What's the matter, Pierce? Cracking up, huh?

Sponge. I mean, clamp!

Frank, as soon as I patch up this kid's arm,

I'm gonna go over there and break one of yours.

I got dibs on the other one.

I'll pound all your bones into mulch.

I'll pound your mulch into brains.

All right, we've let off enough steam.

Let's holster our mouths.

Nurse, pull down my mask.

‐Frank? ‐Hmm?

Thank you.

Colonel, only ten units of whole blood left.

Thank God we're almost done.

You want me to call Seoul again?

No, I'll take another shot at that idiot colonel.

It'll be the capper of a perfect day. Hypo.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to our show.

We have a two‐bullet minimum and no flashbulbs, please.

‐Colonel, any word from Seoul yet? ‐Yeah. The word is "wait."

You'd think those monkeys could spare a little blood.

Speaking of monkeys not giving blood, you haven't donated a drop, Frank.

Strategy. One of us should always have a full tank.

‐Why didn't I think of that? ‐'Cause you're not an idiot.

It was the weirdest thing. I was sitting in this foxhole.

It seemed like nothing was happening,

so I was reading...

uh, one of those Communist leaflets,

the ones that say we're all fighting for Wall Street.

Personally, I refuse to read them.

And suddenly, I look...

and here's this Chinese G. I. standing over me.

How could you let him sneak up on you like that?

He was my age, no older.

We just stared at each other.

I guess he was surprised as I was.

Probably the first time he'd seen an American close up.

‐And then he shot you. ‐No.

He got this scared look.

For a second, I thought he was gonna run away.

‐And then what happened? ‐We both fired.

I got hit in the shoulder,

and it knocked me flat on my back.

What happened to him?

‐The medic said I got him. ‐Good for you.

I guess so.

Anything else I can get for you?

I'd like to drop a line to Mom,

tell her I'm okay.

Of course.

‐"Dear Mother..." ‐No.

It's "Mom."

She hates when you call her "Mother."

"Dear Mom..."

Hey, have you got a mirror?

Settle for a compact?

A what?

Just don't ask, "Who's the fairest of them all?"

Oh, damn! Why they have to do that?

I've had a moustache all my life!

You were born with a moustache?

Well, since I was 12.

They had to shave it to stitch up your face.

They should have left it alone, man.

What's the big deal?

So you don't look like Gilbert Roland for a while.

Oh, you don't understand, man. No moustache?

‐I might as well be wearing a dress. ‐Watch it, bub.

All the real men in Puerto Rico have a moustache.

I think you look okay. You got nice bushy eyebrows.

Aw, leave me alone, man.

And take your mirror with you.

I got nothing to look at.

Nice chatting with you.

We'll be able to ship you back to Tokyo in a couple of days.

You'll be more comfortable there.

Thanks. That'll be terrific.

You're gonna be all right.

I thought I had it made.

Stay in the rear, clear out land mines.

"It's great, Herb. No one shoots at ya.

"Just take your time.

"Snip the wires.

You got no problems."

No problems.