The Goldbergs

Adult Adam: Nothing feels more magical than first love.

As a kid, you fall so hard and feel so much,

it makes the first breakup that much more painful.

It had been months since Dana and I split,

and I decided it was time to move on.

Thankfully, my big bro was there to help.

Dude, what are you doing?

Feathering my hair like famed Lady Killer Robert Lowe.

No. Watch and learn.

Now that's what the ladies like.

It looks super wet but somehow it's dry and crispy.

Even though I decided against the flammable helmet head,

I was starting to feel like I was back on my game.

And what do you know, girls were checking me out.

A lot! Like, too much.

Almost as if they weren't even looking at me...

Ah, damn it!

Stupid handsome Ben.

Can you walk somewhere else?

Sure thing, Pal.

Finding a new Dana was gonna be tough,

so I turned to my sister's poster gallery

of beloved '80s heartthrobs for inspiration.

Such kind eyes. Is that the trick?

And then reality hit me.

What are you doing to my Donnie?!

These bros get all the girls.

Now that Dana and I broke up,

I've got to learn their secrets.

Well, for starters, they don't have wonky voices,

and they don't cry at "The Muppet Movie".

If "Rainbow Connection" doesn't move you to tears,

then you're not alive.

What happened?

It... it's like I'm totally invisible to girls.

At this rate, I'll never get another Dana.

Dude, getting girls is easy.

You don't know anything about girls.

All you need is a hook...

Something that makes you stand out.

Yeah? And what's your hook?

Turtlenecks.

Sexy and comfortable.

Still upset about Dana, huh?

Lucky for you, I actually know a girl who's super into you.

Really?

Mom, Adam's feeling unloved!

Wait, what?

Is my baby sad?

Well, look out, 'cause the cuddle coyote is stalking you!

Why? Stay out of my room.

I'm coming for snuggies.

It was March 23, 1980-something

and Barry was planning for his future

by watching the ambassador of the wealthy... Robin Leach.

Hey.

Robin leach was about to explain why I need a wine Butler.

Too bad. You're supposed to be studying for the PSAT!

And I finished.

I did every practice exam in the whole book.

Oh, is that right? Explain this.

The correct answers just happened to form

the Van Halen logo.

And a dog?

Woof.

A peace sign.

Pac-man. I love that game.

And some hideous googly-eyed monster.

Well, that's actually you.

Well, I'm putting this on the fridge,

but I'm still enraged.

Let's just nip this conversation in the butt.

Tests just aren't for me.

When it came to college, my dad did what he never did...

Get involved.

Moron!

You're gonna throw your whole life away like a moron, moron?

Wait!

Did you just actually abandon your chair

and TV to get involved?

Look, you're gonna prepare for that test.

Your whole damn future depends on it.

Don't worry about my future.

Trust me, I have a million awesome options.

I don't want to hear your options.

NBA superstar power forward,

professional ninja, successful Eskimo,

A.K.A. Success-kimo,

and as a fallback, billionaire entrepreneur.

Spell "entrepreneur."

"A"... get in the car!

Hey, this isn't the zoo.

You're taking a PSAT prep course.

Out!

Hello, and what educational stretches

are we looking to strengthen today?

Actually, I won't waste your time.

I'll just wait here and make small talk

until my dad circles around the block

to make sure I didn't bail.

After that, I'm out.

Are you sure that...

Bup-bup!

He's taking a lap to check in on me,

a-a-a-a-and...

Suck it.

As Barry was ditching the class,

I was facing the sad reality

that I'd never find a girl like Dana.

Poor kid.

H-he's been a wreck since he broke up with Dana.

I know. It breaks my heart to see him like this.

Past two years, all he's cared about is a girl.

But now I've got my snuggle muffin back.

Yeah, you really sound torn up about it.

I'm just saying it'll be nice

to finally spend some time with him again.

'Cause the fact is,

nothing heals a broken heart faster than mom time.

Did you say faster or weirder?

Ooh! It's on. It's on.

Kiddo, come watch with us!

This is history in the making.

David Copperfield is gonna walk

through the Great Wall of China.

Long before David Blaine,

we had the original rock star magician,

David Copperfield.

His mind-blowing tricks were truly event TV.

Levitating over the grand canyon is one thing,

but this is just plain crazy.

There is no magic in this world. Love is dead.

But I'll watch 'cause I'm so alone.

Yay.

Oh, no, he's flatlining!

Go back, David!

It's not worth it!

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Copperfield must be beside themselves!

You do know that walking through a solid wall

of ancient Chinese rocks is humanly...

Oh, balls!

Oh, you gave us quite a scare, you handsome bastard.

So handsome. Mm-mm.

In that moment, I was put under the spell.

Miss Heather Thomas.

It wasn't just the trick that impressed me.

It was that Copperfield oozed cool.

Magic was the ultimate hook,

and with it, the ladies would fall under my spell.

Emmy: What the hell is this, dude?

Isn't it awesome? Magic's my big hook!

Was juggling already taken, nerd?

Trust me, there's one thing I know about women...

They love magic.

Watch and learn.

Yo, Lisa! You like flowers?

Yeah.

Ta-da!

Gah! Wrong button.

Give me a sec.

Why won't you stiffen?

Stiffen, damn it!

Emmy: Wow, good trick.

You made the girl completely disappear.

Um... Are you the kid from the paper?

I... oh, wow, yes. Me him paper.

Well, my mom wants to hire you

for my little brother's birthday party.

Um, you any good?

Good?

We're talking illusion, sleight of hand,

real Jedi mind-trick stuff.

Then this is the party you're looking for.

You understood my "Star Wars" reference?

Party's on Saturday.

And you should probably get a new picture for your ad.

You're a lot cuter in person.

It was a miracle!

Or was it magic?

See that?

All thanks to magic, I just found my new Dana.

Do you think it'll be a problem

you don't actually know magic?

Oh, 100%.

But I was going to learn,

which was something Barry was still resisting.

Dudes, where you been?

I've been waiting a freakin' hour!

Why are you sitting in that thing?

'Cause I stole it from the food mart

so we could take turns smashing it into the dumpsters. Duh.

Sorry, bro. PSAT study group ran late.

PSAT study group? For what?

Um, to, like, get into college and get jobs and stuff.

What are you talking about? You're Madman Schwartz.

You're gonna be a successful WWF villain hated by millions.

Naturally, but as a fallback,

I'll probably be an ophthalmologist like my dad,

Eyeman Schwartz.

What?!