The Ladies Man

Along the Stevenson expressway, the traffic's moving along nicely.

Another shadow traffic update with t.J. Burks in ten minutes.

You are listening to wrix,

Chicago's number one news and financial network.

Now, back to money matters.

Welcome back. I'm your host, Gil Stewart,

and we're almost out of time here on money matters,

but here's a quick wrap-up of the day's biggest stories.

The dow closing out today at minus 55,

while the nasdaq was up seven points.

The s&p is down four.

Gold takes a big hit on the floor as the international monetary fund...

Unloads 10% of its gold holdings,

causing ripples throughout the banking industry,

continuing the trend of unloading the bulk of its holdings...

In favor of better-performing securities.

You've been listening to money matters.

I'm Gil Stewart, looking after your money.

What's happening ? And welcome to the ladies man,

the love line with all the right responses to your romantic queries.

My name is Leon Phelps, and to those of you that are uninitiated,

I am an expert in the ways of love.

Um, I have made love to many fine ladies,

from the lowliest bus station skank...

To the classiest, most sophisticated,

educated, debutante, high society bus station skank.

But listen. I am doing good, if you were askin'.

I got my courvoisier cognac right here,

and I'm ready to take your calls.

While I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist or whatever,

I have done it to a lot of ladies,

and that makes me somewhat like an expert.

I have a Ph.D. in tang, as it were.

So, if you have a romantic query and you are under the age of 50...

And you're not freaky or disgustin', please give us a call.

My lovely producer, Julie Simmons,

she is over there and she is awaiting with bated breath...

To hear what you got to say.

Okay, you're gonna have to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.

Susan from oak park, you have a question for Leon ?

Oh, he left his clothes at your house.

The phone is lighting up, so let's take a call.

Hey, what's happening ? This is Leon Phelps. You got the ladies man.

Hello, ladies man. Oh, it's a lady.

I'm new to this city, and I don't know too many people.

And I am painfully shy.

Yeah, you sound painfully shy. Listen, this is what you should do.

Uh-huh. Go to the bus station or to a bowling alley...

And hang out with no underpants.

Trust me. It works. What ?

Yeah, you'd be surprised at how many men will approach you. I know that I would.

Next caller, go ahead. You got the ladies man.

Ladies man, lately I've been feeling really confused.

Yeah, that sounds good.

No, it's not good.

I'm in a relationship, but I don't know if he is for real.

How do you know when you're really, truly in love ?

Don't worry. When you're really, truly in love,

you will feel it deep down in your pants.

Unless, of course, you're not wearing any pants,

which is not uncommon in my case.

What are you talking about ? I asked you about finding true love.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You did. Listen, I hope whatever I said was helpful.

Next caller. You got the ladies man.

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put you on hold, okay ? Ladies man.

Listen, I don't care what you say. Chlamydia is a soup.

It's my opinion. I can have that if I'd like.

You don't have to argue. I've seen it on the grocery store shelves.

Yes, I know that clam chowder is not a venereal disease.

Don't argue with me about it. I don't care if you are a doctor.

No, we promise there won't be any more vulgar material.

You gotta get a thumb and just stick it up in there.

Actually, get two thumbs up in there, you know, like the fonz.

I ike this-- "hey."

There may be some weird smells afterwards, but don't worry. Just take a shower.

Hey, go ahead, caller. You got the ladies man.

No one knows where Leon came from exactly,

but he started out life on the steps of a majestic mansion.

The master of the house was a great man...

Who surrounded himself with the world's most beautiful objects.

He had everything he wanted,

except a son.

Young Leon was taken into this world...

And raised as one of their own.

And in that warm family environment,

Leon developed into quite a stylish young man.

He learned everything a bright young kid would wanna know about--

Stereo systems and, of course, love.

In this magical kingdom,

the king shared everything with him.

Only one thing was off-limits.

But Leon being Leon,

the day finally arrived when the benevolent proprietor and Leon parted ways.

Poor little Leon was thrown out into the cold,

much like Moses in the days of old.

After that it wasn't easy for the little man, but he got along.

He always did.

Not because he was smart and not because he was rich,

but because...

The ladies loved Leon Phelps.

How did he do it ? [ Bar patrons in unison ] Hey, Leon.

Well, I guess you'd better ask the man yourself.

Lester, how come you tell that story every time we walk into this bar ?

I don't know. Maybe there's somebody out there who don't know you.

Yeah, right. It's the same five or six people in this place.

How'd your show go tonight ? Oh, yeah, good question.

Um, same old, same old. Leon Phelps is a genius.

Yeah, same old angry calls from our listeners...

And same old threats from the boss.

But listen, for every hundred angry calls we get,

there is somebody that I helped.

Ain't that right, scrap iron ?

Huh ? Yeah.

Leon single-handedly saved my second and fourth marriages.

- Mm-hmm. - That's right. And it was Leon...

Who taught me I didn't have to be ashamed of my body.

Thank you, candy. You see, I like to help people. That is what I do.

You know, I am like Mother Teresa,

but of "boning," you see what I'm saying ?

Listen, Julie, you are now in the world of Leon Phelps, okay ?

Everything will work out. Trust me.

Thank you, scrap.

And besides that, Julie, you have to learn...

That there are more important things in life than work.

Can I help you ? Martini with lemon.

So excuse me while Leon Phelps shows you...

How he brings home the bacon.

That's my cue. I'm out of here.

Yeah, I know. It's a heartbreak, ain't it, girlfriend ?

I mean, when's it gonna be our turn, right ?

You know, you and me are exactly alike. Eerie.

See you later, scrap iron. Bye, baby.

Bye, Lester. See you tomorrow, Leon. Bye, sweetie.

There goes Julie Simmons.

I bet you're wondering what a nice girl like that is doing in a place like this.

Well, that's exactly what I was wondering one night about two years ago.

Let me help you with that. There you go.

Listen, I was wondering, can I ask you a question ?

Was your father a meat burglar ?

Here's why I ask. Because it looks like somebody...

Stole two fine hams and shoved them down the back of your dress.

And then it happened. She started laughing.

Kept on laughing. I thought she was crazy.

They talked and laughed on into the night.

Leon didn't go home with her, but he took home her business card.

She said she was in radio. Said she wanted to put Leon on the radio.

That was two years ago.

I guess she packed her wedding dress away...

For another day.

Listen, seriously, Lester. Can you take a break for a second ?

I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Leon, I think she gonna be a tough shoe to Polish.

Au contraire, bon jour.

Let me give you the play-by-play.

I will probably begin with a very classy first line.

Something like--

Say, sweet thing, can I buy you a fish sandwich ?

Mm-hmm.

And then I will commence to whisper sweet words in her ear.

Something like--

Man, I'd like to take a bite out of your butt.

And then I will close the deal by giving her a preview of...

The goods.

The day you pick up that pretty woman,

that's the day I believe a wet bird don't fly at night.

Yeah ? Well, get ready to see a wet bird fly at night, my friend.

Say there, sweet thing.

Uh, I have a question. Could i--

Hey, swinger. I've got an idea. Yeah ?

My husband's away.

Let's go back to my place.

So you don't want a fish sandwich ?

Okay, that's cool, I guess. But listen.

My car doesn't exist, so-- yes. Shut up.

The bus is what we'll be taking.

Hey ! Hey, man ! Hey !

To the left. To the left. Yeah. Just like that. Like that ?

Honey, the front door.

Barney, is that you ?

Well, it isn't the orkin man.

I'll be right there.

You'll never guess what happened.

I was cleaning up the broom closet,

and it was so stuffed with crap.

So I opened the door...

And it was like, "uh-uh-uh-uh.

Don't open that door, McGee."

'Cause all that stuff...

Just came tumbling down all over me.

- Do you have a man in there with you ? - Oh, yes!

Oh, yes ! Oh, yes ! Don't stop.

Cheryl ?

Oh, don't stop ! Oh, don't--

- Listen, baby, that was cool, but I gotta go.

No!

Wake up!

It is 2:30 in the A.M., and you are listenin' to the ladies man.

All right. So let's take some more calls. Go ahead, caller.

Hello ? Am I on ?

Yes, you are. What seems to be your query ?