The Middle

Spring break, when everyone flees the cold winter weather

for the surf, the sand, or, in our case, the couch.

I think they're gonna love it.

No way. They're gonna list it.

He was very clear he wanted a finished basement.

Yeah, but after they did that mold remediation,

there's no way they're gonna list it.

But she's not gonna love it without that mud room.

I wonder what we would do if our house was ever on this show.

List it.

Okay, TV off. I have an announcement.

Relax. This is something good.

It turns out Hoosier Baby

placed a fairly big order with Li'l Rivals.

So, since we have a little extra money,

I thought we should all go on a trip.

You know, someplace nice.

My God.

We're going to Hawaii!

No, no. It's... It's... It's not Hawaii.

It's Mammoth Cave, Kentucky!

No, come on, trust me, you're gonna love it.

We used to go when I was a kid, and we always had a blast.

They got these really great cave tours,

and we'd stay at the Pine Cedar Lodge

with an indoor pool,

and then we'd drive up and spend a day at Old Fort Harrod.

Well, I guess if they have a fort.

No! Spring break is supposed to be about hooking up with girls,

not hanging around some stupid cave.

Hey, if your dad says it's gonna be fun,

it'll probably maybe be fun.

And, hey, if the Donahues aren't busy, maybe they'll join us.

I always told Nancy I would let her know

if we ever decided to go anywhere.

Why do we got to bring the Donahues?

Because if you're gonna drag me to caves and forts,

I'm gonna need someone to talk to.

That's true. I'm not gonna talk to you.

Why are we loading everything into the Donahues' cars?

They offered to drive. Isn't that nice?

No, it's not. We'll take our own car.

Why?

Would you rather make it to Kentucky,

or spend all week in a ditch waiting for AAA?

I don't think AAA will come for us anymore.

Frankie, this is supposed to be our vacation.

Yeah, so just relax

and let the Donahue vacation karma work for you.

I did, and I feel great 'cause Nancy is on top of everything.

Well, I'm not letting Ron do all the driving.

- It's a matter of pride. - Well, your pride

is leaking transmission fluid all over the driveway.

So just go limp, Mike. It's happening.

Sean, aren't you bringing anything?

Your MCAT study guide, shampoo...

a razor?

Mom, I'm not into possessions.

You just become a slave to them.

You don't own them, they own you.

Okay, girls in one car, boys in the other!

Let me tell you... breaking the cars up into girls and guys

was a great idea.

Girls can talk about girl stuff...

And guys can talk about guy stuff.

Nancy, these caramel corn balls are delicious.

Glad you like 'em. I made one for everybody.

Those are Sean's favorite.

At least, I think they are.

I just don't know him anymore.

Listen, it's just a phase.

Yeah?

But did your kids ever go through the phase

of not wanting to take the MCATs?

They were born in that phase.

But it's not just that.

Sean picked Notre Dame because he thought it would be

his best shot to get into a good med school.

But if he doesn't take his MCATs in April,

he's not gonna get into any med school.

- I don't know what to do, Frankie. - Well...

I held him in contempt at family court,

and he just stopped showing up.

Well, I hear ya.

My kids don't want to listen to me, either.

But if somebody else tells 'em something,

they're all ears.

Yeah, I know.

It... It's almost like they're waiting

for someone else to say it and then they'll hear it.

Wait a minute.

I'm sorry.

We should talk to each other's kids.

What? What do you mean?

Well, maybe you could talk to Sean.

Y-You know, find out where his head's at,

see if you can reach his brain under all of that hair of his.

Well, yeah, sure. I could... I could talk to him.

Great.

And I can talk to Brick for you about his thing.

The whispering and whooping?

We've decided to just live with that.

No, the other thing.

That's got to have you worried.

Well, yeah, that would be great

if you talk to him about... that.

Yeah, we definitely don't approve of... that.

So, we finally arrived at Pine Cedar Lodge,

and I could see why Mike liked it.

There was a lot of plaid.

Sue, I told you not to order the six-pound omelet.

Yeah, but if you finish it in under an hour,

they give you a pin.

Sorry Ron's not here. He had an early tee time.

He always says he could live on a golf course,

and I say, "You might have to

if you don't spend more time with your family."

So, I did a lap around the property, scoped out the talent.

Good news... It's not a total wasteland.

There's at least two total hotties

who also seem to be stuck here with their families.

So, what do you say?

Dust off a little "Jerk/Not A Jerk"?

I don't know, man.

Come on. It'll be like the old days.

And we're in Kentucky... we've never tried it on foreign soil.

What is "Jerk/Not A Jerk"?

Pbht,

it's kind of like good cop/bad cop but for meeting women.

You see, Sean here goes up to a lady, acts like a jerk,

then I swoop in, tell him to leave her alone.

He leaves, the girl is grateful, I look like a hero,

and... boom... Ice broken.

Sorry, Axl.

I'm just not into the whole deception thing.

I'm gonna go do some hot yoga and meditate.

They say when you sweat, a lot of real truths come out.

Wow, I just want to punch you so bad.

I understand, man.

All right, I'm going on a tour of the cave.

Who's going with me?

Anybody?

No?

Okay, you're gonna miss it.

You're now in the deepest recess

of the longest cave system in the world.

When I turn off this lamp,

you'll experience a complete absence of natural light.

Cool.

Frankie, drinking before noon?

It's got pineapple, so it's basically breakfast.

Well, I talked to Brick for you.

We're actually doing that?

Yeah.

Turns out poor Brick is just worried about high school.

That's how it manifested itself.

So, is he still doing... it?

He is making a serious effort to stop.

I think you'll notice the difference.

So, have you talked to Sean yet?

Well, you know how it is with Sean.

I mean, you have to pick just the right moment.

But I will get right on that.

Thanks.

You're such an amazing friend to me.

I remember the day that you moved in.

When I saw your stuff coming off that moving van,

I thought, ""

But then you just wormed your way into my heart,

you little heartworm.

Hey, beautiful.

You're a real hot lady.

You make me feel...

stuff.

Are you hungry?

Perhaps my parents can buy you a sandwich.

And if we wait a half an hour, we can go swimming.

But we'll have to stay in the shallow end.

If I can't feel the bottom, I'll panic.

No, thanks. I'm good.

Don't sell yourself short, toots.

You're way better than good.

Hey, is this guy bothering you?

Actually, yeah, he is.

Okay, buddy, hit the bricks.

Let the lady read her book.

Fine. I read that book anyway.

The banker's the killer.

Sorry about that.

Jerks like him give us all a bad name.

Well, thank you.

I'm Sarah.

Axl.

So, you like books?

Yeah. I did until he ruined the ending.

Hey, Brick.

It looks like you're gonna have to be my jerk again today.

What? No way. What happened to Sarah?

She's got a boyfriend in the military.

Just can't do that to our troops.