Raising Hope

Oh, yeah? Well, I checked my phone,

and I realized Lochlyn has been playing

"Words With Buddies," and she's beating my Uncle Dave.

It's no surprise-- her cranium measures in the 85th percentile.

I took out a ruler last night,

and it turns out that my little Jacqueline's face

is perfectly symmetrical.

Well, my Allister started doing the cutest thing-- watch this:

Allister, Allister, do "Gangnam Style"!

Come on!

Hold on, he'll do it.

Sabrina and I don't usually socialize

with other parents at the park, mostly because

we've found them annoying.

But today we were on a mission.

It all started a few weeks ago when we decided

to plan Hope's birthday party.

Wait a second, wait a second.

The package for the moon bounce, the invitations,

the goody bags, and the entertainment

is how much, exactly?

Are you kidding me?!

My wedding didn't cost that much.

Forget it.

Listen, if you want to plan an affordable party,

you got to stop calling

those fancy places that can afford Web sites,

and hit the local bulletin boards.

Yeah, Laundromats, bowling alleys.

We used to find your babysitters at the bus station.

How many kids are coming?

Hope doesn't have any kid friends yet.

Yeah, she's only three.

I don't blame you.

Finding kid friends before they start school

means you have to talk to the parents.

And all they want to talk about is their kids.

"My son walked at eight months."

: "My son knows all his letters."

: "My son has a friend.

You never heard us saying all that stuff.

Is that why I didn't have any friends growing up?

Because you guys couldn't stand the other parents?

Don't judge us-- you know you're doing the exact same thing.

Oh, my God. We really are.

At least we had an excuse.

We still believed Burt was gonna be a rock star.

We didn't need to embrace the whole parent lifestyle.

We were gonna be trashing hotel rooms.

Hanging out with Foghat.

Driving sports cars into pools.

Yeah, we had big dreams.

But you didn't need any friends. You turned out fine.

Fine? I didn't say you turned out great.

I said you turned out fine.

It's a scale, Jimmy.

If you didn't have any friends, what'd you do?

: I had to improvise.

What do you want to do?

: I don't know. You can crumple up some paper

and throw it in my mouth.

Yeah: I guess we can do that again.

Hi, you, hi, you...

We got to get Hope some friends.

So here we are.

My Jacqueline can do that, too!

Jacqueline!

Do the Chinese dance!

Hey! If your kid likes to dance,

we're having a birthday party for Hope!

Yeah.

Okay, see you Saturday at 2:00.

We did it!

We are so crushing this party.

We got food, entertainment,

even a moon bounce for almost nothing.

We should be party planners for poor people.

We'd make a fortune. I still can't believe people just leave

their broken piñata pieces in the park after their parties.

I know. Hope is gonna love Top-Gun-Chicken-Ass-

purple-T-Rex-shortstop.

And since I've been here, with the support

of my counselors and my group...

I haven't touched the junk since.

Good for you, TV's Tim Stack.

We know that masturbation is a tough addiction to beat.

Check out TV's Tim Stack.

Talk about a lesson to get kids to stop masturbating.

Let's turn our attention now to former chart-topping rock star,

Smokey Floyd.

Hey, look at Smokey!

He looks great!

So, Smokey, can you tell us about the moment

you hit rock bottom? Well, dude,

it all started when I promised a fan I'd play a show for him.

I went crazy, and the video went viral on the Internet.

Smokey, "the Doctor of Rock," frickin' Floyd!

Burt, it's you!

I-I'm famous.

I'll bet, like, four billion people just saw that!

You know, I looked at myself in that video, and...

realized that I'd become a monster.

You know, a liver-spotted, turkey-necked monster.

So I went down to Mexico and got some plastic surgeries.

You know, they were so-so with the knife,

but real liberal with the painkillers.

Next thing I knew, I'm hooked

on vikes, perks, oxy, coffee enemas.

I'm told I burned my house down.

Let's take a look at Smokey's journey

over the last 30 days.

: Oh!

Mm.

Which way to the stage?

Well, you've obviously come a long way,

and we couldn't be more excited

to hear your final pledge of sobriety.

Well, I-I believe in the adage:

"If you love something, set it free," you know?

Uh, which is why I'm setting free pills and alcohol.

But if they come back to me,

then I'll know they really love me.

Until then, I...

just want to say I'm sorry to all the people I hurt along the way.

I wrote all your names down on this list, and...

I'll be coming to apologize to you one by one.

Burt Chance, you're number 33 on my list:

"Robbed a Lawn Guy of the Smokey Floyd experience."

I'd like to stay with you for a week and make up for it.

Let's rock and roll!

Whoo!

Hey, Barney, thank you again for taking care of the cake.

Well, don't thank me yet.

There was a bit of an e-mail mix-up with the bakery.

I accidentally switched Hope's picture

with the one I use for my online

dating profile.

What? Oh.

Hey, everybody on those sites lies.

I once thought I was going out with a girl

who claimed she had the body of Kate Upton.

She was bald, and one of her legs had two knees.

Smokey, these are the hosts, our son Jimmy

and his wife Sabrina.

Let's get this party started.

Uh, no, thank you.

And, uh, c-could you possibly

not use the cocaine around the other parents?

'Cause we're just... trying to get our daughter some friends.

Well, from my experience, that usually helps you make friends.

But this is actually my lactose-intolerance pill.

I got to crush it up and snort it

so I don't re-trigger my addiction to pills.

So, how are you guys enjoying the rock-and-roll lifestyle?

It sucks. The only stones he has any stories about

are the ones in his kidneys. When you're young,

you see a rock star on TV, you dream about hanging out with him.

And then that dream finally comes true--

you spend your day watching the Weather Channel,

talking about compression socks.

I'm just saying, enjoy your circulation

while you still got it, kid.

Deep vein thrombosis is not as cool as it sounds.

Happy birthday! Happy birthday!

Ooh, look, everybody-- it's Beauty and the Beast!

Actually, we're Beauty and the Beaver. Yeah, for 20 bucks

and leftover cake, you don't get copyrighted characters.

Wait a minute, I thought you were hiring professionals,

not Andrew and his ex-wife Donna!

That's ex-ex-wife.

We're back together.

And they are professionals.

Yeah. Just because we've never done this before

and we haven't been paid doesn't mean we're not professionals.

Plus, I have always dreamed of being in show business,

so this act gives me a reason to not dump Andrew's ass again.

We couldn't be happier.

Look, I know he's four years old,

but he likes it and I like it.

Plus, I even use some of the leftovers

to make this nice, soft cheese

that he loves to put on crackers, so...

why stop breast-feeding now?

This party reminds you of some crazy,

wild stories, huh, Smokey?

I told you, I don't want to glorify that lifestyle, bro.