Big Momma's House

Ready?

FBl.

- Throw that piece of shit in there. - No, wait.

Sit down and shut up, you old fool.

Ten thousand.

- On... bug-eye boy. - What?!

Big balls, huh? Big cojones, huh?

- I'll take that bet. - Ready? And fight!

Y'all never heard of Soul, Korea?

- FBl! Everybody freeze. - Don't move.

- John! - A little help down here, please?

No doubt. Are you all right?

I'm just takin' a bath with Old Yeller down here.

Could you open the cage? I'm a married man. I'm not used to this much attention.

Satellite TV and a six-pack do not a full life make.

You gotta understand. I'm not like you.

On the street, I gotta keep it simple.

You know what I mean? I can't have a family and home out there distracting me.

That's funny. I couldn't be out there without it.

OK. We've got a live one, people. Conference room in five.

Oh, Malcolm. Didn't recognize you with the make-up off. Got the Michaels file?

- Got it. - Good. Bring it here.

I'm just sayin', on the street I can't have no distractions. I gotta be ready for anything.

- Nice. - You too grown for this shit, man.

A prison escape leaves one man dead.

Lester Vesco, serving a life sentence for murder,

has escaped from a federal penitentiary.

He is seen here on security cameras robbing the Century Union Bank.

- Vesco is extremely dangerous. - Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

You know, how would you like to go on a little vacation?

- I don't know. We've never been on one. - How fast can you get ready?

Ready.

Well, you look ready to me.

Grab your medicine.

Got your seat belt on?

- Yup. - Let's roll.

Lester Vesco. Not a nice man, people.

Two years ago, he robbed a bank, popped a guard and the bank manager

and walked out with two million in cash and bearer bonds.

We got him, but the money was never recovered.

Twelve hours ago, he killed a prison doctor

and drove out the front gate in the man's Volvo. Very creative.

- What about the girl from the robbery? - Lester's girlfriend. Sherry Pierce.

Never convicted. Worked in the bank.

So she gives him access to the vault,

cries on the stand and walks away with two million large.

Exactly. But we never proved it.

She's pretty smart. Keeps a low profile, works two shit jobs.

Now it looks like she's in the wind.

So we find her, we find Lester, we find the money.

- What about this stepbrother in Oakland? - You and Gallagher take it.

- Get some warrants. Set up a surveillance. - Great. Malcolm and I can stay here

and hit the phones.

No, no, I've got something special planned for you two.

Sherry's got a long-lost grandmother in Cartersville, Georgia.

And who knows, Malcolm? Maybe you'll find an Armani outlet - by the Piggly Wiggly.

That's all, people.

- There's Big Momma. - What a classic scene.

Genteel old lady, pruning her roses.

Lord, I done told Sadie about this dog.

Let me catch you here again and I'll barbecue some hot dog!

- Got it. - You know what, man?

Erskine and Stoner probably caught that girl Sherry two days ago.

They just wanted us to sit here pickin' ticks off our asses.

Nobody's tried to kill you for days. The stress must be overwhelming.

I'm just here to catch a bad guy. If it goes down hard, so be it.

If we could get in to plant the surveillance equipment, we wouldn't be stuck here.

Hey, what do we have here?

Must be one of those Southern traditions. Exchanging baked goods in the street.

Nah, you bring them over. That's how you meet the new neighbors.

Oh, man.

- Where are you going? - While she's out, I'll set the surveillance.

Stall 'em.

- Stall them? - Trust me.

- Malcolm! - Four and a half minutes.

- Well, how-dee, ladies. - Hello, neighbor.

Welcome to Maple Drive. We hope you will come to love...

Oh, shut up and give the man your dry old Bundt cake so I can go home.

You'll have to excuse Hattie Mae. Her stomach's not feelin' too good.

I'm Miss Patterson

and this is Miss Other Patterson.

We call her that because she's from a whole different set of Pattersons.

- My name's John. - John what?

- Patterson! Isn't that a weird coincidence? - Yes, it is.

Maybe we're all related.

I used to be married, but not any more.

Oh, Lord. Is she with Jesus?

No. Actually, Jesus, I think, is how he pronounces it.

He was the gardener.

I caught him spreadin' fertilizer in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.

'Scuse me, honey. Here's your corn bread. I got to go.

No, you can't! Ladies, it was really a pleasure.

Wait. You can't leave.

Where's this great Southern hospitality I've heard about, Hattie Mae? lf I can call you that.

I was hoping we could sit in the front porch and shuck corn, shoot squirrels...

Boy, you ain't right. Did somebody hook you up to a jumper cable?

When I say I got to go, move - I got to go.

Wait!

I'm not crazy, just a little lonely. We could spend some quality time together.

Say, you know what I do when I have an upset stomach?

I jog. Yes! Come on!

It's good when you got the runs. Come on, me and you around the block.

Listen, either I can go around you, or I can go through you. Whichever you decide.

Fine.

Shit!

- You cannot go in there. - You're sayin' I can't go in my own house?

No, I'm telling you, you cannot go in there without giving me a big

Southern welcome.

That's it. A little sugar on it.

If you want a second helping, let me know.

- Cos I got two knees! - No, I'm good. God bless ya.

- Cos I got to go. - Yeah. Thanks for the corn bread.

Jesus, let me just make it to the bathroom before I lose my bowels all over myself.

Jesus.

Will I make it?

Have mercy, Lord.

Those stewed prunes!

They just goin' right straight through me.

I done seen a lot of scary shit in my day,

but damn - that was a lotta ass.

I think I need a splint or somethin'.

Just... I'll be all right.

"Dr Green. Wilshire Pediatrics."

Here we go.

God.

Miss it. Miss it.

Think you can throw me off my shit?

I'm in the zone.

100 dollars. Come on.

- That shit don't count. - What do you mean?

- You were in my grill. - 100 bucks, man.

Who could be callin' her at this time of night?

Trussy! How ya do...

Oh, Lord. William's in the hospital again?

I'll be there. I'm prepared. I can stay a week or two weeks...

She's leavin', man. Now's our chance to tap the phones. Come on.

- Driver, please get me to the bus station. - Yes, ma'am.

I gotta go and help my friend out for a couple of weeks.

Over here.

Jesus!

Back up off me.

- Sorry. - Hello. This is Hattie Mae Pierce.

Go on, leave me a little message. As soon as I get back, I'll give you a shout. God bless.

Big Momma? It's Sherry.

Surprised, huh?

Listen, I was taking a little vacation

and I was headed in your direction,

and I thought maybe I'd stop in and check on you since I haven't seen you in a while.

But it looks like you're not home, so I'll see you on the next trip.

No!

- We lost her. - No! Look...

And, Big Momma, I just want you to know...

I know it’s been a long time since we've talked, but...

I really do love you and miss you very much.

Praise the Lord.

It's my baby Sherry!

Big Momma, you're there!

Hi!

Yes, I'm here, honey child, lamb chop, sugar foot.

Hang up.

I know things haven't been so great between us these past couple of years,

and I just want you to know

that your place is the only place that's ever really felt like home for me.

And I can't wait to see you and I love you very much.

Well, I'm...

I'm glad it felt like a home to you, Sherry.

You hurry home, then. All right?

And I'm gonna make sure that I lock you up

so you don't get away from me ever again.

- Bye, Big Momma. - OK, Sherry. Bye-bye.

- What the hell did you just do? - Kept us in play.

If Big Momma's not here, she'll leave, and then we have no case.

Don't worry.

Big Momma'll be here.

Hello. This is Hattie Mae Pierce.

Hello. This is Hattie Mae Pierce.

Hello. This is Hattie Mae Pierce.

All right, Trent. Mind your manners. No back talk.

And remember... Look at me.

And remember that our business is our business.

They're here. Now here's the earpiece.

If anybody asks, tell them it's your new hearing aid.

How do I look?

If I were an 85-year-old man with cataracts and a bad hip,

- I'd take a run at you. - Man, shut up.

Big Momma? We're here.

Lord!

- Look what the wind done blew my... - Hi.

Damn, you fine...

Sherry, you changed.

Me? Look at you, Big Momma! I hardly recognize you.

Child, that's only make-up.

Now come on over here and give your Big Momma a great big hug.

It's so good to see you, Big Momma.

- I thought you'd forgotten all about me. - Hush your mouth, child.

- Big Momma could never forget that ass. - What?!

Ma. Asthma.

Remember you had asthma?