Single Parents

I don't get why you're boxing up this wine I recommended.

It's got everything you need... grapes, et cetera.

Because, Miggy, according to this letter from the FDA,

this wine with goat on the bottle

also has goat in the bottle.

The hair or the meat? How much goat we talking?

Isn't any amount of goat bad?

- Mm... - Look, we're not doing this.

- I gotta get it off the shelves. - 'Kay.

And now Rory's giving me his "Where's my snack?" eyes.

Daddy hungry.

There she is... Poppy, the May to my December.

There he is... Douglas, my sexy, eh...

lighthouse.

Hey, why don't we, uh, skip out of here

and spend the afternoon together, huh?

I gotta blow off steam after this three-day work week.

I would love to,

but I've got a busy day carting Rory around.

Plus, now I've got a goat situation.

There's hoof in the wine.

Yeah.

Okay. That's my cue.

I'm gonna go to the club and maybe hop in a golf cart,

nod off, and just see where I wake up.

- Mm. - You know, rich guy weekend.

Mm-hmm. Bye.

Ah, sir, a moment?

Thanks. Hi.

Couldn't help but overhear

you totally dropping the ball with your girlfriend!

She clearly needs your help here.

If she wanted help, she would've asked.

That's what grown-ups do.

Shush! Sweet child.

- Shush. - Don't shush me.

My mother would never ask for help.

That's not who she is.

But go ahead. End up like Davey.

- Who's Davey? - Who's Davey?

Her last serious boyfriend.

He was great. Tall like you, maybe taller.

Oh, taller than me is too tall.

Anyway, he never helped her, and she never asked him to,

so now he's dead.

To her.

But... I get it.

You're totally incapable of pitching in.

Incapable? It's a choice.

That's why I hired a 60-year-old butler 30 years ago.

Well, you keep those hands clean, Davey.

I mean, Douglas.

Damn you!

Poppy?

Uh, let me help you out.

Why don't I take Rory for the day?

Really? No, no, no, no. I could never ask you to do that.

Eh, you're not asking. I'm offering. Come on.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Because I can just... I can...

No, really, it'll be a breeze.

And I can tell that you have your hands full with, uh...

Ohhh, Poppy.

I-I think my tum-tums got the rumb-rumbs!

But it's okay. I'm gonna wash it down with some more wine.

No, Miggy.

02x11 - The Angie-Man

Ohh. 40 years. Wow.

Your parents have been married for, like,

over two-thirds of Douglas.

Yeah, if you'd told me a month ago

we'd be celebrating their anniversary,

I would've said "Buzzer sound!"

'Cause I had a really sore throat

and it would've hurt to make an actual buzzer sound.

But also because I thought their marriage was doomed.

Right. Right.

Because when you were giving my son the...

sex talk, you learned...

A fact about sex that I didn't know...

my father was having it with someone besides my mother.

And not just anyone.

His fellow health teacher, Ms. Sugars Hawthorne.

Ah, two health teachers.

Do you think it was, like, super hot or super clinical?

I confronted him about it, and he talked to my mom,

and clearly, they worked things out

because here we are, celebrating their love.

I don't trust anyone who works through problems.

It's not a real thing.

But I do love your parents.

They're the only people

still using technology that I can help with.

Yeah. Well, they really love you.

And the free tech support.

Hey, you should actually stay for the party.

Ah, you don't need me. I mean, won't Tracy be here?

No, she got called into work. A big story broke.

Apparently, a group of cats took over a sushi restaurant.

It's pretty funny.

It's an anniversary party.

It's gonna be all couples. Smells datey.

I'm gonna head out.

I came, I saw, helped set up,

- ate all the mini grilled cheeses. - Thank you for that.

- This is a wrap on D'Amato. - All right.

Look who's here!

- Whoo! - Your two favorite palindromes...

Mom and Dad!

I'll take one large hug, please,

hold the pickles.

- Ohh! - Ohh!

Hey.

Ohhhh!

Happy anniversary.

Yeah.

Ohh!

Look at you.

- Oh, it's good to see you. - You, too.

Listen, my Garmin is on the fritz again.

- Again? Ugh. - I know. Yeah.

What's with the purse?

You're gonna stay for the party, aren't you?

Oh. Uh...

Uh...

Yeah. Sure.

Of course.

I mean, who am I? Meghan Markle? Where do I gotta be?

Aah! Staying!

She just threw it over there.

What's wrong with Tony?

Cassandra dumped him again.

This time, she ain't coming back.

I know that look. Tony's in pain.

There's only one way to make that man whole again.

He needs a woman.

Should we call his mom?

Tony used to babysit Elvis.

You think his mom's still alive?

I'll get the shovels.

Won't be the first time.

Ladies, I'm not talking about a mom.

I'm talking about a special kind of friend.

I don't mean to be crass, but we need to get this man...

hugged.

Well, no one's gonna hug him looking like that.

Come on.

Let's put in a new backsplash and flip this house.

All right. We did it.

Three farmer's markets,

two laps around the ointment district,

and a very confusing stop at a Judaica store.

Okay, they have the best candles,

and you just know nothing about atmosphere.

Yeah? Why don't you tell that to my $30,000 chandelier,

you scrub?

I'm exhausted.

How long have I been watching you? Two, three weeks?

- It's been four hours. - Really?

I don't know how your mom does this every day.

All right, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take a soft 20.

Do you have a Wall Street Journal lying around?

Don't you dare check the markets now.

You still have to take me to go get my new tap shoes.

Okay, now, I know for a fact

you have seven different pairs in your closet.

I've turned on them all.

And they on me.

Well, then you're gonna have to dance barefoot.

You can make the sounds with your mouth.

"Click-clack-tap." See? It's easy.

Well, guess I should be grateful.

Least I didn't get kidnapped.

Let me just text my mom.

Hey, Siri, send message to Poppy.

"Douglas dropping the ball, period.

Couldn't provide help, period.

Suggestions, question mark."

A-A-At ease, Sarah.

All right, fine.

You want shoes? I know the guy at the Ferragamo store.

He can get us the illegal stuff.

Oh, no, no, no.

I only get my dance shoes

from Foot Clothes for Number One Best Music Moving.

It's foreign-owned.

Well, thank you all for coming.

Uh, boy, being married to me for all those years,

well, it couldn't have been easy.

No.

My, uh, hair-plug trial nearly ruined us.

Uh, my weight fluctuates 70 pounds

in each direction every six months,

and I don't go to Burning Man,

but I talk about it...

all the time.

Oh, and also, honey,

don't forget you banged the girls' health teacher.

Oh. That was a big one.

They're incredible.