Living Biblically

Anyone up for another beer?

Or should we switch it up to holy spirits?

No, it's tempting, but, man, I tell you,

I cannot drink like I used to.

I'm still hungover from a barbecue in August.

2009.

Yeah, plus, I got some work to do tonight.

I love how you refer to watching a movie as work.

I restarted a man's heart today.

Man, movies are so bad these days.

What are you reviewing,

- 12 Fast 12 Furious? - (CHUCKLES)

- Batman vs. Lego Batman? - (CHUCKLES)

The Avengers vs. Madea?

Oh, I wish.

No, it's a, it's a romantic comedy

that's about people that meet through a dating app, and it's called...

Tinder-Ella.

Wow.

They're trying way too hard

to target that millennial generation.

#Overlt.

Hey, I'm a sucker for any Rom-com, even the bad ones.

They just make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

- Mm. - That's what a glass of wine

and my Idris Elba calendar does for me.

You know what doesn't feel like a warm and fuzzy Rom-com?

Wha...?

Are we supposed to guess or...?

My marriage.

- Oh, no. What's going on? - Oh, no. What's up, man?

Ah, rumors are swirling around the temple that my wife, Sheila,

was seen receiving and enjoying a back rub at the hands

of the new, young, handsome rabbi, Trent.

I'm a cuck, Chip.

Really? A back rub to cuck?

Alright, I...

I think there's just a-a few more stops on the Cuck Express.

I mean, it-it's just a rumor, right, Gil?

I don't know. I heard this from some very reliable gossips.

The worst part is they say it happened on Shabbat.

They're calling it "The Rubdown at Sundown."

- Doesn't even rhyme. - It kind of rhymes.

It does.

But even if the rumors

are true... And-and we're all praying they're not...

It's probably nothing.

Yeah. I mean, it's just a back rub.

Okay. But,

I mean, if you heard a rumor that a woman at work

was giving me a massage, how would you feel?

Good point.

- I'd drop-kick her into traffic. - Yes.

All I know is, if I were to give any of you a back rub,

we'd be doing other things real quick.

Like what?

You really want to know, priest?

I didn't think so.

Gil,

you need to confront Sheila.

But you want her to feel safe,

so lead with your heart, not accusations.

And, remember, your wife is innocent until proven guilty

- in the court of love. - Hmm.

- Thanks for being here for me, guys. Yeah.

I'm-I'm gonna go home and talk to Sheila.

Drinking's not gonna help me. (CHUCKLES)

- There you go, buddy. - You go, Rabbi.

- Good luck, man. - All right.

Five or six drinks couldn't hurt.

- No, go! - Go! - Go!

No, seriously, go.

So, Vince, if you're giving somebody a back rub,

does it mean that you want to have sex with them?

No. It means I am having sex with them.

Why else would I do it?

Hey, guys.

How's my Doug-tourage doing?

What are you all working on?

Working on getting the hell out of your 'tourage.

I have to write a review of this

terrible romantic comedy with, uh, Ellen Page

- and Harry Styles. - Ooh.

Love me some H-Styles. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I've been to lots of One Direction concerts.

What? It's a great place to meet girls. (SCOFFS)

I mean moms! (SCOFFS)

Young moms.

Speaking of One Direction, why don't you mosey off that way?

Chip, where's your movie review?

I don't know.

I'm struggling with it, you know?

I haven't had to review a stinker

since I started living by the Bible,

and it just doesn't feel very Christlike

to be so negative about somebody's labor of love.

You know? It's like... calling somebody's baby ugly.

Some babies are ugly, Chip.

If you can't figure out

how to write your Bible column and your movie column,

I'm gonna have to give your movie reviews to Doug.

Don't worry, Chip, she'll be in good hands.

Soft, supple,

small for a man, but made for a woman.

Why do I feel like I'm gonna be called to testify against him one day?

: Hey, boys!

Next round's on me. (CHUCKLES)

Oh!

Look at this guy. You're in a good mood.

So, huh, I guess it went okay with Sheila?

Well, you know, it's a funny story.

I took Leslie's advice.

I headed straight home to talk to the missus,

and she wasn't even there.

I mean, it's not Tommy Boy funny, but, you know...

Maybe you had to be there?

She was sitting in a car

across the street with...

Rabbi Trent.

Anyone want to guess what they were doing?

Not really.

: They were kissing.

Pretty passionately.

- Ugh. - Oh, no.

Come here, buddy.

I'm so sorry, Gil.

Oh, for what? I'm just thirsty. Come on.

Mmm.

Gil.

All right, the jig is up.

I know I made it seem like everything was...

totally cool and normal.

That's actually not the vibe I was picking up at all.

Well, the truth is, it's, uh... it's bad.

It's real bad.

Uh, I pounded my fist on the car's windshield and broke it.

And then I realized it was my car.

And tonight I'll be sleeping on a pile of glass

in a windshield-less car.

And did I mention the forecast calls for rain?

You know, Gil,

I have some business associates.

Say the word, and that Rabbi Trent'll have...

: A little accident.

I feel so bad for Gil.

- Is there anything we can do? - Yes.

The Bible commands us to

"show hospitality to one another without grumbling."

So, I think we should ask him to stay here.

Chip, no, that is not a good idea.

I'm hearing grumbling.

I think you're reading too much into this rule.

Can I take this for a while?

Come on. You know, Jesus would've let Gil stay with him.

Yeah, 'cause there was no Mrs. Jesus

to tell him it was a bad idea.

Look, you know I love Gil, but I have a crazy week at work.

I ca... (DOORBELL RINGS)

Who's that?

That's gonna be Gil.

I'm sorry. I-I just saw this conversation

going a completely different way.

- Hey! Come on in. - Hey!

Hey, thanks for letting me crash here, guys.

Now, listen, is there an extension cord for my sleep apnea machine?

Chip, I need to talk to you.

Are you sure Gil's still asleep?

I'm not sure he's still alive.

I am on night three of no sleep.

Who makes popcorn at 4:00 a.m.?

Ugh. I don't know, but didn't really love

the way he stood over our bed to offer us some,

Paranormal Activity style.

- Plus, he's got those night terrors. - Mm.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

And morning terrors.

- It's too much. - (SIGHS)

Chip, this is my one day off of work.

I do SoulCycle, and then I unwind at home.

I need that.

I mean, I feel for the guy, but I can't have him around

all day, crying through The View, The Chew, and The Talk.

- I know. I get it. Ay, ay, ay, ay.

Yi, yi, yi, yi.

Yi, yi, yi! (GRUNTS)

Morning, Lord Vader.

How you feeling, buddy?

Not great.

I dreamt that this couch came to life

and then cheated on me.

How'd you two sleep? Good?

Well, the screaming kept us up,

but the whimpering lulled us to sleep.

You didn't hear me playing Celine Dion

in the middle of the night, did you?

No, we heard it.

You accidentally streamed it to the Bluetooth speakers in our bedroom.

I'm sorry about that. I, uh...

I needed a reminder that my heart will, in fact, go on.

So, uh, what are you thinking, man? You maybe