Hooten & The Lady

_

Looking for Caleb.

Name's Hooten.

Great poker face.

Boss, Hooten.

You've got something for me?

Do I look like a vending machine?

I hope not.

You see, me and vending machines, we don't really get along that well.

They steal my money, then I need to kick the crap out of them

to get what I want.

Meon told me you're a bad ass.

- Address. - I'm working on it.

I can see that.

What's this guy to you anyway?

Does it matter?

He's got something I need.

I'll send someone to find you.

Hey, what can I get you?

Large scotch and a cold beer chaser.

Yeah.

It's always this hot, uh?

Mostly.

Do you have any mayonnaise.

Freshly made, though, I can't abide that ready made stuff.

So, a tad of balsamic, and mayonnaise on the side.

Thank you.

Oh, hello!

What in the name of...

everything holly, are you doing here?

How in the world would you know that I was here?

You used the Museum credit card to book your flight.

You might have got away with it if you've booked economy.

First, I thought you did it in purpose, trying to get me here,

and then I remembered you were just stupid.

Wait... I'm stupid?

You guys are the ones that payed for my flight.

Then I researched to see what could possibly have brought you here.

A man called Cassius Levine,

found a map on a old wreck whilst diving with his son.

Then contacted the local dealer in Cuba,

to get an evaluation on the map.

Which seems to show the whereabouts of the cask,

buried on this island by none other

than Captain Henry Morgan.

The dealer tried to rob Mr. Levine,

and in the struggle that followed, the map was torn in half.

- Ring any bells? - No, not one.

So you being here was just coincidence?

I find that very hard to believe.

You just can't accept the fact that I'm doing something

that isn't about you.

That I have my own life.

- That I get to enjoy... - Mr. Hooten?

Yeah?

Caleb says he found Mr. Levine for you.

Thank you, that's uh... that's very helpful.

Excellent timing, too.

- I was worried about you. - Why?

You know why; Cambodia, Kane,

what he did to your family...

- He's dead. - That doesn't change what he did.

- No, but I live with it. - How do you live with it?

Mostly by not talking about it.

- Sorry. - You don't need to be sorry, Alex,

you don't to worry about me, but mostly,

you don't need to think you can try and help, or make it go away. You can't.

Of course not.

So now that you know that I'm not drowning at the bottom of a bottle,

aren't you supposed to be getting married?

- Two days. - Well, shouldn't you be there?

Applying spot cream, or...

waxing your top lip? Oh.

Uh.

Uh, yeah... except...

Except what?

- You've got it, haven't you? - Got what?

The dealer's half of the map, the part that...

tore off when he was trying to steal it from Mr. Levine.

Maybe.

I knew it! You do know what's in that cask.

Mid 1600s, Captain Henry Morgan

captured the city of Porto Bello and held it to ransom.

At which point, the Governor of Panama sent him a written request

asking him not to attack Panama,

and included an emerald ring as a sign of good faith.

Morgan... replied by sending the Governor

a pistol and a letter saying,

"I'll collect it from you when I'll get there in Panama."

Month later, once Morgan had taken Panama,

John Ansell, his quartermaster on the run from the Spanish Man O War,

took the emerald ring, and the pistol,

placed them into an old rum cask,

and buried it to prevent it from being found if the ship was taken.

It's not like you to do your homework.

I loved pirates' stories as a kid.

No, strictly speaking, Captain Morgan was a privateer,

not a pirate.

It's just like you, Brits, to suck the joy out of everything.

This... is very very important part of our naval history.

- The Museum wants this very badly. - No, can't do.

The emerald alone has got to be worth more than a million dollars.

You take the pistol and the Morgan providence,

- I can get five times that. - Hooten, you cannot sell them.

I already have a buyer.

Without talking to me first?

Hey, this was a solo trip, you're supposed to be marring Farquhard.

- Edward. - Whatever.

- You can't do this on your own. - Why not?

Because this is not like in the films.

This is not... "Yo ho ho and 20 paces across the beach,

so then you start digging where the cross is."

This is... this is complicated.

- Uh, hum. - There are gonna be puzzles and clues

to solve, and I'm better at this than you are.

- Since when? - Since always.

Are you kidding me?

You can't outsmart me.

A chicken could outsmart you.

Okay.

Let the best man win.

Woman.

And chickens are very smart by the way.

- Ah? - All that... pecking.

- I'd like to see you lay an egg. - What?

_

Call me back!

_

I don't know why you put up with it, dear boy, I really don't.

- I'm not her keeper. - Well, you bloody hell should be.

- And that means what exactly? - It means, grow a pair!

No, no, no, they're too close together!

Look, she's had her fun bouncing around the world

with all these... ridiculous travels.

- Now it's time that she settles down. - She's her own woman.

It's the 21st century. Men don't control their wives anymore.

Well, maybe in this case, they should.

In the way Lord Antony controls you?

That's different! Look...

I want you to telephone Alexandra,

and tell her to come home immediately.

Start as a need to go on, Edward.

Put your foot down!

Trust me,

you'll thank me for it later.

Do I have to do everything here?

Sanctimonious, condescending know-it-all!

Patronizing British!

Always right. Looking down on the rest of the world.

She thinks she can outsmart me.

I'll outsmart her,

a clam can outsmart her.

You did what?

I gave it to your partner.

She's not my partner!

She seemed to know a lot about you.

She knows nothing about me.

I want my money back.

You payed me to find Cassius Levine.

I found him.

Yeah, and you gave the address to the Wicked Witch of the West.

Maybe. If you told me why you wanted him so badly...

I didn't tell you because it's none of your damn business.

How long ago was she here?

- Ten minutes. - Great.

Nice, huh?

Where am I going?

No, no, no! You can't do this!

- I already have. - I give you double what she has.

- I haven't given him anything. - Triple.

You're too late! Mr. Levine has kindly agreed

to loan the Museum his half of the map,

in return for what his finders fee.

This gives me the start point.

- How much? - More than her.

I'll able to work out the rest from there.

- Who the hell is this? - My guide.

- Your guide?! - Coconut Islands Tours.

Lay back and let us take the strain.

This won't do any good, I have the other half of the map.

Oh, the smaller half you mean.

Size isn't an issue here.

My half gives me everything I need, thank you.

Have fun with your friends, Hooten.

Maybe you could play Scrabble together.

You don't recognize this coast line?

It's only half a mark.

It could be anyone of a dozen places.

I've no idea where this starts.

I need to get up high.

You've got a helicopter?

Small plane?

I've got Raheem.

What's a raheem?

We're looking for someone.

Caleb and Crief.

It's alright.

That's me.

Then I believe you can help us.