Trick or Treat

Trick or treat!

Well, I think you both deserve a treat.

Night night.

Get up.

Now!

Why?

Come on, up.

Look at our daughter, Greg.

I know this isn't easy for you.

Well, guess what, you men don't have a monopoly

on finding this family life thing difficult.

I used to be queen of the party scene, and what am I now?

A bleeding dairy cow.

Stuck at home all day with an infant.

And that's you, by the way, not her.

So get yourself another job and stop wallowing.

I should be hunting mammoths.

What?

I should be hunting mammoths.

Yeah, with your knee, fat chance.

Look, the music industry is dead.

Selling advertising isn't so bad.

I wasn't put on this planet to do any job.

I need to do something that counts.

Oh, please, please, do not mention your premonitions.

I am sorry, but becoming Mystic Greg on Blackpool Pier

is not gonna keep us in beer and skittles.

I do see things.

The only thing you're gonna see is a psychiatrist,

and failing that, a divorce lawyer.

You're not a visionary or a prophet, Greg.

You're just an ex-raver who nicked too many pills.

I don't know why we came back here.

'Cause I didn't want her smoking crack at kindergarten.

And our Portobello bedsit was a mansion that's why.

There's nothing here for us.

I feel strange.

Enough!

Don't push it, okay?

If this don't stop, we'll stop.

You don't mean that, do you?

I don't know. I just...

What I do know

is that you need a wake-up call.

I love you, I really do, but we can't go on like this.

Oh, happy birthday, Greg.

Well, almost.

A bit fucking late, aren't you?

Just the right time to collect your damned soul.

Do me a favour...

Oh, I'm afraid you've run out of favours.

You're not a bit old for this?

Death has no age.

I've been here since the beginning.

You understand me?

You're really getting into the role, aren't you?

So, what's it gonna be?

Well, say it at least.

Oh, fuck, trick or treat.

Cross my palms with silver

or face eternal damnation, come on.

Sorry, mate, it's all I've got.

You remember,.

Your road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Where you going?

I said why, are we going out?

She says, no, I'm going out and I'm turning the heating off.

Me and the wife, we've been arguing about those holidays.

I want to go to Tenerife.

She wants to come with me.

Six fellas beating up my mother-in-law.

The neighbour says to me, "Aren't you gonna help?"

I says, "No, six should be enough."

Christ on a bike.

What a silly example of a man.

Yeah, you.

Look at you.

You thankless twat, you're pathetic.

You're about as much use as a one-legged man

in an ass-kicking contest.

About as much use as an ejector seat on a helicopter

or a handbrake on a canoe.

Kid, kid!

I need your help, kid.

I need your help, kid.

Dan.

I've just killed someone.

What?

I've just fucking killed someone.

Shh.

What the fuck you talking about?

I was driving along, driving along, right?

Had a few beers.

A little bit fucking wired.

I'm driving a bit too fast,

and this fucking bloke...

He just run out of nowhere

and I just smashed right into him.

I seriously fucked up.

Where did this happen?

The little lake, you know, by the side of the Red Line.

Did anyone see?

- No. - Definitely?

Definitely.

You sure he's dead?

Yeah.

What, you just left him there?

No.

Where the fuck is he then?

Outside in the boot.

Why'd you put the body in the boot?

Look clearly, man, I got out,

I go over to him, and he's still breathing.

So I pick him up and I put him in the back of the car.

I'm on my way to the hospital,

I'm driving and I'm halfway there to the hospital...

And he just fucking dies there and then.

He stops breathing there and fucking then.

But you should have still taken him to the hospital

'cause they could have saved him.

Listen.

He stopped breathing.

He died, and I'm well over the limit.

Twice minimum.

These days, you're looking at 10 fucking years inside.

Do you understand me?

10 years inside!

Fucking more with my shit.

I don't see you for nine months

and then you come here.

This is a windup, ain't it?

It's a fucking birthday windup.

There's no windup, kid.

Keys.

Just what exactly do you expect me to do?

Well, you got to help me.

You and me, right?

We're just gonna get rid of it.

Now.

In the sea, on the moors, anywhere.

We'll burn the car.

We'll just tell the police it were nicked.

You've got to drive, kid, 'cause I'm well over the limit.

No, no, no fucking way.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

After what you fucking did to me?

Fuck, whoever that is, I'm not here.

Right?

Please, kid, okay?

Okay?

Hi, Clarence.

A bit late for a social visit.

It ain't a social, Greg.

So London never worked out, then?

Yeah.

It was great.

Just time to move on.

Yeah?

Maybe move back.

Aw.

You got a little one.

Abby.

A little girl, four months old.

When's the last time you had a proper bit of kip?

About four months ago.

Poor cock.

It's your birthday, is it?

Yeah, born exactly 45 years, nine minutes ago.

Hold on, you were born midnight Halloween?

Doesn't that make you some sort of a witch?

Yeah, something like that.

Very nice.

Punching above your weight a bit in here?

Daisy never had a chance.

How is Daisy?

Like you give a shit about my sister.

So what's going on?

Well, we're looking for your brother.

You haven't seen him, have you?

Nah.

Haven't seen him for months.

We had a fallout when I first moved back.

That's weird 'cause his car's outside.

Okay.

Okay, yeah, yeah, he popped 'round about an hour ago,

just to say happy birthday, mate.

He was hammered.

Properly hammered and he was trying to drive to the Strand,

and I said no, no way, you know, not in that state.

So I took the keys off him.

Well, they're just over there.

That's weird, 'cause the fuck knows what's happened to them.

He then got in a taxi.

And that's it.

So the rumours are true.

You've turned into a boring cunt.

Huh?

Come with me.

Jesus.

I didn't know there was a market for the grunt mags anymore